MONDAY, MAY 17 Dear readers: If you like "porn," then you will surely enjoy MONDAY, MAY 17. Porn Item #1: Congratulations, America, your new Miss USA 2010 is gorgeous Iranian Rima Fakih. But before any of you hillbilly racists blow a fuse and vow to create a teabagger flash mob in protest, TMZ reported today that Ms. Fakih is also a former "Stripper 101" pole-dancing champion. And as John Cougar Mellencamp so aptly put it, "Ain't That America"? Porn Item #2: TV actor David "I played Angel and that meatcake on Bones" Boreanaz—who cheated on his wife with Tiger mistress Rachel Uchitel—is in the soup again, this time for allegedly making illicit whoopee with porn star Gina Rodriguez. FUN FACT: According to Radar Online, Rodriguez—who goes by the screen name Demi Delia, and has starred in such porn classics as Anal Addicts 30, I Came in Your Mom, and The Witches of Breastwick 2—is also the talent manager for Tiger mistress Joslyn James. (It's only a matter of time before all the shared crabs in Hollyweird will be able to have a reunion.) Porn Item #3: Recently former Hugh Hefner concubine Kendra Wilkinson pitched a hissy fit after discovering someone sold her absolutely filthy homemade sex tape to porny producers Vivid Entertainment. (Rumor has it she considered selling it herself, but waffled, and was ultimately beaten to the punch.) However, Kendra is reportedly less "hissified" now that she is reportedly going to receive 50 percent of all sales generated by her sex tape, which will undoubtedly be a small fortune. In a related story, Hubby Kip suggested that yours truly should make and market a sex tape entitled One Penetration at a Time. We've agreed to the title, if the film would primarily involve our fists penetrating his face. The lawyers are talking it over.
TUESDAY, MAY 18 Rrrrowrr! According to the New York Post, fair-weather lesbian Lindsay Lohan is dating a cougar! The older kitty in question is 36-year-old photographer Indrani who shot the beleaguered actress last fall—and while the 23-year-old Lohan denies it, Indrani's professional partner Marcus Klinko blabbed to the Post that he saw the two "making out." Meanwhile, Indrani is playing it cagey. "We have been spending a lot of time together," the lovely golden girl cooed. "Lindsay is somebody who I find fascinating, gorgeous, and extremely smart, as well as super hot." At this point, Hubby Kip wants us to mention that he'll be "first in line if there's ever a sex tape! Hint! Hint!" And we hope he remembers that our FISTS are first in line to penetrate his FACE. Hint. Hint. MEANWHILE... Lindsay may not be dating anyone or doing anything unless she gets her ass back home from the Cannes Film Fest in time for her Thursday probation progress report hearing. As it turns out, she's only attended 10 of her required 13 alcohol education classes. (Hic! Whoopsie!) However, sources close to the actress say she may miss her flight thanks to all that volcanic ash from Iceland clogging up the sky. (This is of course code for "white powder from Colombia clogging up her nose.")
WEDNESDAY, MAY 19 In "will Megan Fox ever shut the fuck up?" news, actress/sexpot Megan Fox still adamantly refuses to shut the fuck up. In an interview with Allure magazine, Fox now confesses to suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder—which may be true, since she can't help but annoy us to death. (HA! We kid. Not really.) "This is a sickness. I have an illness," she whined to the magazine, adding that she gets super grossed out by public restrooms. "Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot up in the air." Yeah, just like Megan's performance in Transformers. (We're sorry, but we're obsessed with insulting Megan Fox! It's a sickness.)
THURSDAY, MAY 20 As predicted on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan missed her court-mandated probation progress report hearing today. (Really, you're surprised?) But guys! Linds totes has a good excuse this time—one that has nothing to do with volcanic ash! Her passport was stolen while she was in France, and LiLo strongly suspects her evil deadbeat dad Michael Lohan is behind it! "I always said my father had someone do it," Lindsay told Us magazine—but now's not the time to point fingers! According to Lindsay's lawyer, the French police have been alerted and are on the case. EXCEPT THEY HAVEN'T AND THEY AREN'T. TMZ is reporting that despite claims made by Lindy's reps, the French police have not been contacted and no one has filed a report. Cut to America where the judge who just issued a bench warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest is impatiently drumming her fingers on her desk, while wondering if she should order LiLo's ankle monitoring bracelet in small, medium, or large.
FRIDAY, MAY 21 [Attention, dears—today's entry is written by Hubby Kip. We're sorry, but just do what I do every Friday night: Think of something else until it's over. It shouldn't last long.—Ann] Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your years! I'd like to thank Annie for letting me break the following news because it is dear to my heart and way more important than her usual stupid gossip: MEGAN FOX WILL NOT BE IN TRANSFORMERS 3. Obviously this is terrible because if Megan is gone, then... who is next? OPTIMUS PRIME? BUMBLEBEE? SOUNDWAVE? STARSCREAM? It boggles my mind!! "Giving SHIA [LABEOUEEEOUF] a new love interest makes more sense for the story," an "insider" tells "Deadline" "Hollywood," but allow me to "retort": SHENANIGANS! Everyone who has Google Alerts set up for "MEGAN FOX," "MEGAN FOX NUDE," and "MEGAN FOX NAKED," knows Transformers director Michael Bay is just mad because Megan called him "Hitler" in an interview once and said he's a "nightmare to work for." (MORAL: Michael Bay is as vindictive as MEGATRON and gets BUTTHURT LIKE A BABY.) Besides, what "new love interest" could possibly be as hot as Megan Fox? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO. (Except for you Annie, I mean! I love you! Don't be mad!) In summation, this is terrible news and I'd like to conclude today's Day at a Time by adding that Michael "Hitler" Bay should RETHINK HIS TERRIBLE DECISION before I write several strongly worded comments on the Transformers 3 IMDB page. Good day.
SATURDAY, MAY 22 Oh, LiLo. The perpetually beleaguered Lindsay Lohan was photographed this weekend in Cannes alongside a glass table featuring several lines of cocaine. Linds, naturally, is pleading innocence, despite all evidence to the contrary. "What?!" Lindsay replied via email when asked by Radar Online about the booger sugar. "That's a setup that's so untrue." According to Radar, Linds claims "she didn't know the powder was on the table." Oh, c'mon, Lindsay. If there's one person on earth who can sniff out coke, it's you, dear. Now you're just insulting our intelligence.
SUNDAY, MAY 23 The catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico continues to get worse, in large part thanks to BP's bumbling efforts to clean up their mess. Too bad our government is proving equally inept! The New York Times reports, "The chief of the Coast Guard, Admiral Thad Allen, acknowledged on Sunday that the government is forced to rely on BP and the private oil sector to try and plug the gusher." In other words? Things are probably just going to get worse. Sorry again, residents of the Gulf Coast! Between Katrina and this, maybe you should consider moving to somewhere the US government is willing to give a shit about. MEANWHILE... In less depressing news, Britney Spears is Twatter Queen! "Pop princess Britney Spears has surpassed [Ashton Kutcher] with 4,948,848 followers to his 4,943,297," reports PopEater.com! "This is really amazing! I love you all! I better get busy writing 4,947,608 thank-you notes! U guys make me sooo happy!" Brit-Brit giddily twatted shortly after today's news broke. Kutcher's pouty response? "I don't care." (Wait—did we say this news was "less depressing"? Whoops! I guess we were wrong about that. Sorry.)