MONDAY, JUNE 14 Hollyweird got a little "eww-ier" today when gossip columnist Perez Hilton posted a photo of Miley Cyrus' vaheena to his Twatter account. Much like those who came before her (Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton), the shot was taken while Miley was wearing an extremely short skirt and exiting a convertible. (Wow! It feels like 2006 all over again!) The big difference? Miley is still only 17 years old, which means that Perez stands accused of posting child pornography. Whoopsie! Naturally, Perez was unapologetic, telling Joy Behar in an interview that "I think it's insulting to children to accuse that [photo of being] child pornography." (Umm.. what?) He went on to further blame the victim, saying that the image is no worse than any of Miley's recent shenanigans: "grinding up on her fortysomething-year-old director, pole dancing, all the oversexualized things she's been doing." In other words, Perez thinks she was... umm... asking for it? As for Miley, she's taking the high road, and says she won't be pressing charges. However, she did succinctly sum up Perez's behavior in an interview with Ryan Seacrest. "That's just some idiot being an idiot," she said. Not bad for a 17-year-old. We like her better now.
TUESDAY, JUNE 15 Hey, let's check in with that drippy oil well in the Gulf of Mexico to see if it's still drippy. (Pause.) Yup, still drippy. In fact, as of today, it's drippy to the tune of 2.52 million gallons per day—which is considerably drippier than BP and the government's original estimation of drippiness, which was 42,000 gallons of oily, daily drip. Well, this drippy situation has gotten President Obama dripping mad—mad enough, in fact, to address the nation (which he really, really hates doing). In an attempt to convince the American people he isn't just sitting there reading books to kindergarteners, Obama voiced his extreme displeasure with corrupt oil industry lobbyists, regulators, policy makers... and... ummm... who are we missing? AH! And the drippy oil rig Deepwater Horizon—which we believe shares the same name as the rival high school singing group in Glee. Obama also demanded that BP be held personally responsible for their fuck-up and set aside a multibillion-dollar escrow account to go to the victims of the disaster. In addition he made a plea for climate change legislation that could "end America's century-long addiction to fossil fuels." HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Oh, President Obama... if you thought you had trouble selling the teabaggers on health care, just wait until you try to take away their Toyota Tundras!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16 Sometimes, when news about the "gulf oil disaster" gets too real, we like to cleanse our palate with some obviously fake news—say for example, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's obviously fake divorce. Now that The Hills is meeting its well-deserved demise, Heidi and Spencer are wildly grasping for their last straw of fame—up to and including faking their separation. Most of their machinations are boring and unworthy of mention—however, there is this one hilarious tidbit. According to Radar Online, Heidi has moved out of the house and in with Spencer's writing partner, who happens to be an ex-Marine turned bodyguard and actor named... wait for it... Cougar Zank! Heidi's apparent infatuation with Cougar Zank has Spencer furious with Cougar Zank, sending The Hills star into a jealous rage over suspicions that Heidi may be in Cougar Zank's house and, in particular, Cougar Zank's bed—MAKING LOVE TO COUGAR ZANK. And that's the most interesting part of this story. Cougar Zank.
THURSDAY, JUNE 17 The CEO of BP (and creepy Brit) Tony Hayward was trotted before a very blustery and angry congressional hearing/public flogging today in regards to the company's role in the gulf oil disaster. The members of the committee questioned and verbally flagellated him for two solid hours, before Hayward was finally allowed to respond with evasive and bullshitty answers. Luckily for Hayward, Texas Republican Representative Joe Barton stole the show by actually apologizing to BP for our government's insistence that the oil company set aside an escrow account to assist disaster victims. The uproar and subsequent punishment was both swift and certain, as Barton was whisked away to House Republican Leader John Boehner's office for what we can only assume was a pants-down whipping. Barton later made a red-faced return to the hearing to slightly rephrase his earlier declaration. "I want to be absolutely clear that I think BP is responsible for this accident," he said while rubbing his sore fanny. When the furious ire of the members turned once again to Hayward, the BP CEO was forced to resort to drastic measures. "Look!" he said pointing across the room. "Cougar Zank!" He then threw down two smoke bombs and mysteriously disappeared from the chambers.
FRIDAY, JUNE 18 It's a question that keeps us up every night: WHERE IS JEREMY LONDON?! Ever since being in everything in the '90s—Party of Five, 7th Heaven, Mallrats, some other mediocre crap we can't remember—London has been MIA. Until this weekend, that is, when—according to Radar—"Armed bandits abducted and robbed Party of Five star Jeremy London and forced him to smoke drugs during a harrowing five-hour ordeal in Palm Springs, California." Wait... WHA? Apparently, it all began last Thursday, when London was attempting to fix a flat tire. After stopping his own car nearby, a dastardly man flashed a "small hand gun" at London, and then took him on an adventure the likes of which the actor hasn't seen since 1997 or 1998! "[London] told officers that he was forced to smoke dope and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs," said the Palm Springs Police Department's Sergeant Steve Douglas, who also noted that London managed to escape sometime around 3 am. Okay, a few questions: (1) Palm Springs has a "gang area"? (2) We know Mallrats is hardly fine cinema, but does London really deserve this for his part in it? (3) Hey kidnapper person: Any chance you can abduct Jennifer Love Hewitt, Neve Campbell, and/or Matthew Fox next time? If you're gonna terrorize one Party of Five star, you might as well collect the set, right?
SATURDAY, JUNE 19 Megan Fox is engaged! Fox's on-again, off-again boyfriend and 90210 star Brian Austin Green popped the question earlier this month to Fox on the beach outside the Four Seasons Hualalai in Hawaii. Only problem? Megs promptly lost the ring. "I saw her jumping up and down," a witness told Us. ("That's one lucky witness!" added Hubby Kip, who then held up his hand for a high five. We left him hanging.) "Later, I saw a half dozen staff sifting through the sand." The spendy ring remains missing, adds another source. "Security and maintenance staff spent a couple of hours looking for it. No one found it." Get some metal detectors out there, people! Aren't beaches crawling with creepy old men who do nothing but look for gum wrappers and nickels? And shouldn't Fox and Green be a little bit worried? There's some guy driving around and kidnapping '90s primetime soap stars, you two! Quick, get Brian into hiding!
SUNDAY, JUNE 20 So, how's that catastrophic oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico going? Still gushing? Still causing irreparable harm to the ecosystem? Still cursing our great-great-great-grandchildren with a dump of a dead planet? Yes? Oh, good. So, what's BP CEO Tony Hayward up to? Trying really hard to fix this phenomenal clusterfuck? Testifying before congress again? Washing some oil off some baby pelicans? Hmm, let's look at the paper and see! "BP officials on Saturday scrambled yet again to respond to another public relations challenge when their embattled chief executive, Tony Hayward, spent the day off the coast of England watching his yacht compete in one of the world's largest races," says the New York Times. Oh. Huh. Ah, well—that's just some idiot being an idiot.