CHRIS BROWN "Waaahhh!"

MONDAY, JUNE 28 R&B artist and Rihanna abuser Chris Brown has seemingly accomplished the impossible: Making us loathe him even more. Chris attended the BET Awards last night, and during a tribute to his idol Michael Jackson, broke down in an onstage fit of blubbery tears. As it turns out, however, his sensitivity may have been... ummm... "manufactured." A witness tells Us magazine he witnessed one of Brown's bodyguards giving Chris tear-inducing eye drops. "He rubbed it in and he started crying," the snoopy spy said. Chris violently denied the charges, saying, "If I weren't so busy being sensitive, I'd stick a knife in your stupid face." MEANWHILE... In heterosexual marriage news, (1) Sandra Bullock is now officially divorced from her philandering creep of a hubby Jesse James. So can we go back to disliking her now? (2) After years of maintaining an on-again, off-again romantic status, Megan Fox has finally married her longtime beau, Brian Austin Green, and... and... HUBBY KIP! Your blubbering is worse than Chris Brown's! SHUT... UP. And (3) former Miss California/internet porn star/raging homophobe Carrie Prejean is getting "opposite married" to NFL quarterback Kyle Boller. Note to the gays: If this union doesn't turn you against the institution of marriage, nothing will.

TUESDAY, JUNE 29 You'll be happy to know... CHRIS BROWN! STOP CRYING!! Where were we? Oh, right: You'll be happy to know that former Vice President Dick Cheney had another near heart attack... and will most likely recover. (We'll let you decide which part of that sentence to be happy about.) The 69-year-old has suffered five heart attacks in the past, stubbornly surviving each one. When prodded for comment, Satan said, "FINE. We don't want him here either... okay??" MEANWHILE... While she may think otherwise, that Lindsay Lohan is one lucky, lushy lady. According to a police report dug up by TMZ, LiLo barely escaped a cocaine charge during her 2007 DUI arrest—because the arresting cop thought her blow was a breath mint. The officer reportedly "discovered a folded Clinique sun care card with an unknown substance caked onto the surface of the card in Lohan's right rear pocket." The cop mistook the substance for a crushed breath mint (?!) and tossed it in the trash. Second-guessing his decision that maybe, just maybe that wasn't a breath mint and might have been... oh, we don't know... COCAINE, the officer yanked it out of the trash. But too late! Lindsay's lawyers yelped, "contaminated evidence," Linds was quickly released after a brief 84 minutes in jail, and the rest is history. Oh! Almost forgot: Lindsay then spent the next 84 minutes snorting the bottom of the cops' trashcan. Now the rest is history.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30 As reported last week in One Day, a Portland masseuse has accused former Vice President Al Gore of sexually assaulting her during a massage session in the Hotel Lucia. Though she refused to talk to local media, the National Enquirer claims she tried to sell her story to them for $1 million. The tabloid instead chose to get a public records police report on the incident for FREE—but this week, another deal appears to have been reached. The Enquirer is now printing a new cover story reporting that the alleged victim's name is Molly Hagerty, who told the tab, "Al Gore is a pervert and sexual predator. He's not what people think he is. He's a sick man." This time when KOIN TV asked the National Enquirer if they paid Ms. Hagerty for an interview, they issued a terse, "No comment." But lest you think this entire escapade is only about money, Radar Online is reporting that soon after Ms. Hagerty made her initial claims, the Gores quickly transferred millions of dollars of property and personal worth into a limited liability company—potentially protecting their assets from... perhaps a crippling sexual assault lawsuit? So, yeah... you're right. Maybe this story is only about money.

THURSDAY, JULY 1 Just when you think Mel Gibson would never top his classic drunken catchphrase "sugar tits," he's surprised us again! In the ongoing bitter legal feud between Mel and former gal pal Oksana Grigorieva, she's presented the court with obscene audiotapes of the Braveheart star going ballistic—as only Mel can! "You look like a fucking pig in heat," Mel screamed at Oksana in tapes obtained by Radar Online. "And if you get raped by a pack of [n-words!], it will be your own fault." WOW. Mel also referred to his girlfriend as a "whore" and a "cunt," and threatened to "come [over there] and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first." Mmm... sexy. Mel went on to wonder, "How dare you act like such a bitch when I have been so fucking nice?" You know, that's exactly what we were thinking!

FRIDAY, JULY 2 Thought Tuesday's coke-fueled Lohan shenanigans were all we'd get from the starlet this week? Think again! Last night, LiLo celebrated her 24th birthday at Voyeur Nightclub in West Hollywood, wearing, according to Radar, "a short, black minidress and knee-high leggings concealing her SCRAM bracelet for alcohol monitoring." Whatever could go wrong? "A waitress just hit me—punched me for no reason," Linds twatted shortly later, much to the delight of the internet. The waitress in question, Jasmine Waltz, reportedly lashed out due to a love triangle involving herself, Lohan, and British rugby player Danny Cipriani. "All I have to say is that disturbed little train wreck is delusional!" Waltz told Radar when asked about Lindsay's accusation. "I did not hit her... but I'd like to." (Note: We love you, Jasmine Waltz.) Naturally, Radar went back to Lindsay for a retort, which the starlet offered with her usual eloquence and insight: "Hahahahahahahahaha." MOVING ON... Christ, tonight Linds had another birthday celebration at LA's Beso Restaurant—where her SUV got pulled over for running a stop sign! Natch, the birthday girl fled from the scene, leaving her assistant to get stuck with tickets for "failure to stop," "concealed plates," and driving a car with front-tinted windows. IN OTHER NEWS... We give Lindsay two days before her assistant and Jasmine Waltz team up to kick her ass.

SATURDAY, JULY 3 "George Clooney stars in a real-life courtroom drama on July 16 when he appears at the trial of three people accused of usurping his name for a fashion label," says Yahoo News. Clooney—who spends plenty of time at his super-romantic villa on Italy's Lake Como—will testify as a civil plaintiff in the case, which will be tried in Milan. "There will be a lot of people, I imagine," said Judge Pietro Caccialanza, who promised the star's fans would get "to come close to their hero." Hey, Court TV? C-SPAN? The People's Court? OPB? Stop showing whatever boring stuff you're showing and get to Milan, rapidamente! The sexiest trial of the century is about to begin.

SUNDAY, JULY 4 Good news for gleeks, or glee-tards, or whatever stupid thing Glee fans are calling themselves at the moment: Katie Holmes is going to be on season two of Glee! Skeevy celeb blogger Perez Hilton got the scoop, noting Holmes is "taking dance lessons" to prepare and has "hired a private singing coach." "Katie's film career has stalled, and she desperately needs a career boost," a source tells Perez. "She's hoping a stint on Glee will jumpstart her standing in Hollywood." "BALDERDASH AND NEVERSENSE!" an incensed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII roared when asked if he was looking forward to Holmes' appearance. "Tom Cruise's adorable child bride has no need of a 'career boost.' Why, just last week at the Official Scientology Dianetics Playshop on the fourth moon of Ixthor, Tom told me Katie 'doesn't even care' that she hasn't worked in years! Apparently, she's totally content to be chained in the dungeon, watching Battlefield Earth. Obviously, this 'Perez Hilton' cannot be trusted—following Queen Suri's galactic conquest, he shall roast in the sand fires of Arrakis!" Klaktu paused for a moment, and then leaned closer. "But off the record, Ann? I am delighted! To think I declared Glee couldn't get any better after that 'Safety Dance' number they did a few months ago! You and Kip will simply have to come over to watch the holo-vid! We'll make Andorian popcorn and everything!"