MONDAY, JULY 5 Citizens of the world, prepare yourselves! Tomorrow we'll finally learn whether there is such a thing as "justice." Why? Because tomorrow is when Lindsay Lohan finally gets her day in court! Regular readers already know that LiLo is in deep poopy with Judge Marsha Revel for missing a number of her alcohol education classes, which... okay, okay... was part of her probation agreement. This teensy-eensy screw-up could possibly mean significant jail time for our girl—but is she worried? Heck to the no! "Lindsay's lawyer will just fix this like everything else," says a source close to Linds. "It's no big deal to her, even though she totally believes Judge Revel hates her guts." Yeah! Stupid judge! Stupid justice system! Stupid legally binding agreements! Tomorrow the scales of justice will tip in Lindsay Lohan's favor! (Because that's where she weighs her coke.) MEANWHILE... The sad case of missing Portland boy Kyron Horman is growing tackier than an episode of Maury. According to the Oregonian, Kyron's stepmom Terri Moulton Horman at one time allegedly offered to pay a landscaper to kill her husband. The discovery inspired Kyron's dad to skedaddle from their home and file divorce papers as well as a restraining order against the stepmom. OKAY, TWO THINGS: (1) Kids don't need any further proof that stepmoms are evil. That's why we have Disney. And (2) One does not hire a landscaper to kill a husband. Especially when there's a perfectly good container of antifreeze in the garage. Are we right, Hubby Kip? We said, "ARE WE RIGHT?"
TUESDAY, JULY 6 OMG... guys! Lindsay Lohan is going to jail! As mentioned yesterday, Linds was to appear in court today to answer charges that she had not completed her scheduled number of alcohol education classes. (Which, okay, she hadn't... but is that a crime? Oh... it is a crime? Ahem. Anyway.) And today Judge Marsha Revel—who like sooo totally hates LiLo's guts—sentenced our Miss Thing to 90 days in the hoosegow as well as 90 days in a drug rehab center. What kind of kangaroo court are you running there, Judge Ravel?? Give us one good reason why Lindsay should go to jail! From the LA Times: "The judge said that Lohan had repeatedly deceived authorities following her first drunk-driving arrest in 2007. She said Lohan lied by pretending she was not the driver in that case. Two months later Lohan was arrested for drunk driving." Umm... okay, give us another good reason! "The judge said Lohan again lied when a white substance was found in her pants and tried to say they were someone's else pants," continued the LA Times. "Revel said she tested positive for cocaine after the arrest." Well... maybe the coke seeped through the stranger's pants into her bloodstream! Cocaine is really devious like that! (By the way, you can now purchase our "Free Lindsay Lohan/Cocaine Is Really Devious Like That!" T-shirts. Get one quick before Lindsay transforms into Britney Spears!)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 7 More details from yesterday's TRIAL OF THE CENTURY! DETAIL #1: Unsurprisingly, Lindsay Lohan was FURIOUS over the judge's totally unfair ruling, and vowed to appeal the decision—just as soon as she finds a new lawyer. Because the lawyer who has been defending her... kind of... QUIT. (Lindsay, if we had attended law school instead of lounging around all day sipping mojitos, we'd totes defend you!) DETAIL #2: On second thought, we rescind our offer. Especially after learning that you had the words "Fuck U" manicured onto your bird-finger nail, and wore it to court. Clarence Darrow couldn't save you now. DETAIL #3: According to Pop Eater, Linds could be offered a whopping $1 million for her first post-prison interview! "Financially, it's the best thing that could have ever happened to Lindsay," said the snoopy source. "It's no secret that Lindsay has been in financial trouble for a while. She will earn more money from her post-prison interview than she ever earned acting." Wait... could this have been Lindsay's plan from the beginning? BRAV-OH, YOU BRILLIANT LUSH!
THURSDAY, JULY 8 Remember last week's voicemail recordings of Mel Gibson ranting like a racist, misogynist lunatic? Well there's more, and it's 80 percent more misogynistic/racist-y! Last week Mel said the following to the mother of his child, Oksana Grigorieva: "You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of [n-words], it will be your fault." This week when Grigorieva accused him of hitting her in the face while holding his child, he replied, "You know what—you fucking deserved it." He also referred to one of his staffers as a "wetback," and threatened to "bury [Grigorieva] in the rose garden." Now remind us... why exactly is Lindsay going to jail, while this asshole is free?
FRIDAY, JULY 9 TGIF! Years after worming his way into our hearts with lines like "Did I do thaaaaaaaat?" and "Got any cheeeeeeeese?" Jaleel White—the 33-year-old actor who once played Urkel on Family Matters—is back in the headlines! Like every child star, he's not doing so hot—in fact, he's "under investigation for allegedly battering a woman," according to TMZ.com. "White allegedly punched her in one of her breast implants while they were driving on Pacific Coast Highway two weeks ago, with an infant in the car," TMZ gushes. "When they got home, White allegedly slapped her and pushed her into a toilet so hard it broke the tank." Naturally, White's rep claims "there was absolutely no battery" and that White's baby mama is using the allegations as "a ploy in an ongoing custody battle." IN RELATED NEWS... Steve Urkel's chances of ever, ever hooking up with Laura Winslow just plummeted to an all-time low.
SATURDAY, JULY 10 "Stretched to the limit by budget cuts and a rising caseload... the Los Angeles County justice system has been struggling to contend with what appears to be a growing number of celebrities gone bad," reports the New York Times. Possibly due to recent legal ordeals like Don Johnson suing to get Nash Bridges money, charges being brought against the doctor of the late Anna Nicole Smith, the latest investigation of Mel Gibson, a case involving Dennis Hopper's estate, and everything Lindsay Lohan has ever done ever, the Times notes that the overburdened Los Angeles County Superior Court "laid off 329 of its more than 5,000 employees, while using furloughs and weekday closings to help trim a budget shortfall that was estimated at $79 million." Okay, so maybe Lindsay did have something to do with the collapse of the legal system. Big deal!
SUNDAY, JULY 11 In a cataclysmic ordeal that tore Hubby Kip apart, Hollyweird has been rocked by an epic nerd fight! It began when Marvel Studios fired the diva-like Incredible Hulk actor Edward Norton, refusing to bring him back to play the Jolly Green Giant or whatever in the upcoming Avengers flick that'll be directed by Buffy über-dweeb Joss Whedon. "Our decision is definitely not one based on monetary factors, but instead rooted in the need for an actor who embodies the creativity and collaborative spirit of our other talented cast members," Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige cattily remarked. Norton's rep poutily countered, "Edward was looking forward to the opportunity to work with Joss and the other actors in the Avengers cast, many of whom are personal friends of his. Feige's statement is unprofessional, disingenuous, and clearly defamatory." Oh, please, nerds! Can't we all just get along? Let's take a deep breath, clear off those Dungeons & Dragons dice, put those Cheetos back in the bag, and get back to your game of Magic. We'll bring you down some more Dr. Pepper in a bit.