One Day at a Time 

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MONDAY, JULY 12 Hmm... we wonder what hilarious, racially insensitive, and violently misogynistic comment Mel Gibson said today? As you undoubtedly know, Melly is in the midst of a ugly split from gal pal/baby momma Oksana Grigorieva, and Radar Online has been slowly releasing audiotapes of Mel using... oh, shall we say, "colorful" language toward his former love. One of the more choice phrases he employed was to say Oksana dressed provocatively and would be "raped by a pack of [n-words]." Klassy, with a KKK! So let's check in with today's audiotape release to see if Mel has anything to add. When Oksana suggests that Mel was partially responsible for their monetary problems, he calmly responds, "You fuckin' ignorant bitch! I don't understand you! You're saying stupid shit! How dare you fucking even insult me with some of the stupid reasoning you have? Your logic sucks, because you're a fucking mentally deprived idiot!" Wellllll... it's not "raped by a pack of [n-words]"—but hey, it's only Monday. Stay tuned! ON A SOMEWHAT SIMILAR TOPIC... Got a teenage daughter roaming around Switzerland? Don't want her to be raped? Well, look out, because director/pedophile Roman Polanski is on the loose! Switzerland has refused to extradite the director of Chinatown (who in the '70s drugged and anally raped a 13-year-old), because... ahem... the US Justice Department allegedly submitted incomplete paperwork. On the upside, the Swiss say we can still try to extradite him from some other country. GEE, THANKS, SWISS! When reached for comment, Polanski simply smiled slyly as he licked the rim of his cup of Swiss Miss instant cocoa.

TUESDAY, JULY 13 "You need a fucking bat in the side of the head. All right, how about that?" And that's your Mel Gibson Homicidal Quote of the Day! (Brought to you by Louisville Slugger.) MEANWHILE... One thing Lindsay Lohan may not have considered before getting sentenced to 90 days in jail? LESBIAN PRISON GANGS. As reported last week, LiLo is headed to the hoosegow soon for violating the terms of her probation. And according to The Sun, the local population of violent lesbians couldn't be happier. "Everyone will want a piece of her," says inmate Tamara Haley, who's in the clink on charges of heroin possession and prostitution. And while Lindsay will probably be kept clear of the general prison population, Tamara has sage advice for the fallen star in regard to recognizing a prison lesbian. "They wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available," she warned. "So if Lindsay doesn't want someone to grab her ass she'd better keep her shirt on straight." Hmm... that sounds a little complicated for someone like Lindsay... but okay. Any other advice, Tamara? "There's an infection going around now," she said. "You can barely sleep at night from all the coughing. And there are girls with body lice." Ohhhh-kay! GOOD LUCK, LINDSAY!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 14 What does Mel Gibson say when Oksana falls asleep before they can have sex in the Jacuzzi? "I deserve to be blown fast! Before the fucking Jacuzzi! Okay, I'll burn the goddamn house up, but blow me first! How dare you!?!" And that was your Really Confused Pyromaniac Mel Gibson Quote of the Day! (Brought to you by Jacuzzis, fire extinguishers, and fast blowjobs?)

THURSDAY, JULY 15 In a desperate, and probably failed attempt to reduce her jail time, Lindsay Lohan has checked herself into Pickford Lofts, a "sober house" founded by famous (he defended O.J.!) Los Angeles attorney Robert Shapiro—who is not-so-coincidentally rumored to be her new attorney! Unfortunately for LiLo, sources say Shapiro will probably not appeal the judge's ruling, and our fave lushy starlet will be serving the entirety of her sentence. WHAT?? O.J. murdered his wife, and Lindsay goes to jail for missing a few alcohol education classes? If the SCRAM bracelet fits, you must acquit! MEANWHILE... "Bitch! Cunt! Whore! Gold digger!" And THAT was the Mel Gibson Insane Misogynist Quote of the Day! (Are we crazy, or is Gibson mellowing out in his old age?)

FRIDAY, JULY 16 A few weeks ago, we mentioned George Clooney would be testifying in a court case in Milan. Well, today it happened—and it was even dreamier than predicted! Testifying against three men who illegally used his image in a failed attempt to launch a fashion line (oh, you Italians!), Clooney charmed everyone in attendance—including reporter Colleen Barry, who wrote the AP story "Clooney Radiates Cool on Witness Stand." Barry swoons, "It's no wonder the Italian businessmen claimed George Clooney was behind their fashion line—the actor knows how to wow an audience whether he's on the red carpet or the witness stand." The story then cuts to the important deets: "The 49-year-old actor wore a navy blue suit, crisp white shirt, and red-spotted blue tie as he addressed the court through an interpreter, throwing in occasional words in Italian and apologizing for his lack of fluency." Barry continues (no doubt while frantically fanning herself), "Only one defendant—Vincenzo Cannalire—attended the trial... 'This is the first time I've ever seen him,' Clooney said, motioning to the defendant. Then with just a trace of irony, Clooney added, 'So I'd like to say hello, nice to meet you.'" Swoon! In addition, Clooney wryly showed the court how a photo showing him with one of the defendants had been doctored. "'Here, for instance. I don't smoke and I don't wear that watch,' Clooney said. Then after a pause he added, 'I also don't wear long jean shorts.'" Sigh. Hey, NBC—don't you have like 19 different Law & Orders? Can you replace one with Law & Order: George Clooney on the Stand in Milan? We can think of at least two reporters who would be very interested in watching.

SATURDAY, JULY 17 In less sexually magnetic news, two stupid kids you hoped to never hear from again—Bristol "What's a Condom?" Palin and Levi "Playgirl" Johnston—are engaged, despite having initially hidden their reconciliation from Sarah Palin! The news broke on the cover of Us—and the New York Post claims Us paid Bristol and Levi $100,000 for the story! Okay, hold on a sec. First: So these backwoods half-wits are back together? But that doesn't make any sense whatso—oh, whatevs. There are like five people in Alaska. This was probably inevitable. Second: Brevi had to "hide their reconciliation" from Mommy Palin? Well... okay. She does seem like she could be scary if caught by surprise. Like a moose! Third: Wait, why are these two backwoods half-wits back together again? Oh, right. Because Us paid them $100,000.

SUNDAY, JULY 18 Ready for a behind-the-scenes scoop straight from Hollyweird? Open wide, dears: Magnolia and Punch-Drunk Love director Paul Thomas Anderson's follow-up to There Will Be Blood is... a movie about Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard! Called The Master, the film will star Philip Seymour Hoffman as a ridiculous science-fiction author who invents a ridiculous religion—and while legal reasons will prohibit the film from explicitly mentioning Scientology, we're pretty sure audiences will catch on. "Like a Gralbaxian sabertooth approaching a clutch of Ewok eggs, I find myself cautiously optimistic about this cinematic endeavor," Scientology's prime Hollywood emissary, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, said when informed of the news. "Am I concerned Mr. Anderson won't get some of the details right? Of course! Do I feel Tom Cruise is better casting? Naturally! But by the Ninth Moon of Xanth, it's gotta be better than Battlefield Earth, right? What a piece of bantha shit that was!" In related casting news, the role of "Emperor Malaktu of Figel VIII" in The Master will be played by Wallace Shawn in a squid costume.

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