TONY HAYWARD Douche.

MONDAY, JULY 19 It's Monday, which means tomorrow is Tuesday, which means that Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. OR IS SHE? According to TMZ, Linds has shut down all systems except for "denial mode" and is utterly convinced she won't be going to the pokey. Apparently she's been begging hotshot lawyer Robert Shapiro (who somehow convinced a jury that O.J. didn't kill his wife) to figure out some way of keeping her out of the slammer. Unfortunately for Linds, Shapiro said the only way he'd defend her is if she willingly went to jail—which frankly confuses us as much as it did Lindsay. (Psst! Lindsay! Save the money you were going to give Shapiro, and give it to Tara Reid. She's desperate enough to go to jail for you!) MEANWHILE... Talented, adorable 18-year-old Filipino singer Charice Pempengco is scheduled to appear in an upcoming episode of Glee, and to prepare for her role is getting Botox treatments, and... WHAT?!? According to cosmetic surgeon Vicki Belo, Charice "underwent a 30-minute Thermage skin-tightening procedure and Botox." Okay... okay... so 18-year-old Charice needs to appear younger on a show about high school students? This means if we want to shop at Forever 21, we'll need an entire face transplant. And boobs. And butt. And... shall we go on?

TUESDAY, JULY 20 No thanks to magician David Blaine, who at the last minute refused to make Lindsay Lohan disappear before today's court appearance, our fave trashy starlet was cuffed and taken into custody. And though the totally mean and rude Judge Marsha Revel sentenced her to 90 days behind bars, she's only scheduled to serve 25 percent of that time (or 23 days) thanks to prison overcrowding. (Yay, prison overcrowding!) But guys! As it turns out, prison is going to be a lot tougher for LiLo than we originally suspected! According to People, Lindy's stark, uncomfortable 12-x-8-foot cell is in the prison's "special needs unit" (perfect), and our girl will be forced to do without her three most prized possessions: cigarettes, hair extensions, and her Twatter account. In addition, her sole possessions will be a thin blanket and "a sandwich bag containing a small tube of toothpaste, a white toothbrush, three packets of cream deodorant, three packets of shampoo, and a small bar of soap." Adds a former inmate, "Nothing is name brand. They're all generic and cheap quality." Okay, but the vodka they serve is Grey Goose, right?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21 "FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH! FI-RE-CROTCH!" That was the chant led by the ladies of Lynwood prison... coincidentally, just down the hall from Lindsay Lohan's cell, according to the Daily Mirror. And how is Lindsay dealing with this notoriety? Mmmmm... not so well. "Her wailing was keeping everyone awake.... She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation," said just-released inmate Cheryl Presser. The paper also reports that Linds was taken to the infirmary because prison officials were worried about "a number of scratches on her arms." Hmm... sounds kinda upset. So why are the other prisoners acting like such... such... "Mean Girls"? "She's getting special treatment," said convicted shoplifter and inmate Debra Sickels to the Daily News. "Some inmates were getting pissy over it." Sickels adds that Lindsay's stay in the infirmary made the other girls mad, because "it had a regular hospital bed, a TV, and a dresser for her new clothes and socks." But... but... you guys! Lindsay actually has it really hard! According to a source gabbing to TMZ, she can't even order a glass of Evian, and the only beverage that's available is "water from that nasty sink in her cell." And in fact, one of the jailers allegedly advised her to "Just drink the milk from the day before." GROSS!! Wait... does old milk ferment into alcohol? If so, then YES!

THURSDAY, JULY 22 "I want Jew blood on my hands!" Nope that's not another chant from Lindsay's prisonmates, it's the latest rant from (surprise!) Mel Gibson. According to Radar Online, Mel screeched this latest quote in reference to a "high-profile Hollywood figure" who supposedly "publicly humiliated" him. After casually mentioning to former gal pal Ok sana Grigorieva that he wanted this person's blood on his hands, he then allegedly added that he wanted the person "taken to the desert, stripped naked, knee capped, and left in the heat." In response, Oksana said, "Hate to say it, but as long as it's not me being bludgeoned, I'm happy."

FRIDAY, JULY 23 In news that's sure to delight everyone on the planet (well, everyone except for BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward), this weekend news broke that BP is expected to fire its chief executive/chief douchebag, Tony Hayward! Rumor is, American Robert Dudley is set to take over the least-wanted job in the universe. Symbolically, BP's new head honcho Dudley grew up near the Gulf of Mexico; even more symbolically, he's not named "Tony Hayward." So, the gulf oil leak has been drastically reduced, and the oblivious, incompetent jackass who's been effing it all up is getting the boot—things should be totes okay now, right? Uh, sure. Well, either that, or the world's population of superintelligent dolphins are finishing up their schemes to use this catastrophe as an excuse to subjugate and destroy humanity. We'll see. Might be a good idea to get those tuna nets ready, though. Just in case.

SATURDAY, JULY 24 Oh sweet Jesus! Today everything went to hell, as rabblerousin' organization WikiLeaks released roughly 10 billion top-secret documents detailing what's come to be officially known as "that clusterfuck in Afghanistan." Granting early access to the New York Times, the Guardian, and something called a Der Spiegel, the WikiLeaks papers revealed a slew of damning details. While the validity of many of the documents is still in question, it isn't looking good: Reports cited in the Times include potential proof that ostensible US ally Pakistan is in cahoots with the Taliban, as well as a harrowing account of the downfall of an American base in Afghanistan, Combat Outpost Keating, that was brutally overrun by local Afghans thanks to embarrassingly poor planning. MEANWHILE... Oh sweet Jesus! Today everything went to hell again, as rabblerousin' gossip site Radar Online released even more tapes of Mel Gibson being an asshole. This time around, Gibson goes after not only his ex, Oksana Grigorieva, but also, weirdly, Timothy Dalton—Grigorieva's former beau and the father of her 12-year-old son. "Did you get my last message about me being a bad father, and Tim being a great dad now?" a rabid, vicious Mel sneers in the recording. "Well, you should go and fuck him, you know, you fickle cunt, because I don't care." He then instructs Grigorieva to have sex in front of her son, notes he's "so fucking sorry I had a child with you," calls her an "ingrate bitch," and politely reminds her that she's a "fucking fake" and a "fucking sham" who needs to "remember whose fucking roof you're under." IN RELATED NEWS... Okay, enough. That's the last we're going to say about Mel Gibson this week. Because seriously, fuck that guy.

SUNDAY, JULY 25 Who could use a pick-me-up after yesterday? God, we know we could. Luckily, Lindsay Lohan's here to cheer us all up! Turns out that after a rough few days, things might be improving for LiLo in the slammer! Earlier this week, Linds' ex-girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, stopped by the joint to visit—and if that's not enough, Linds' attorney Shawn Chapman Holley (note to self: never hire Shawn Chapman Holley) tells Us that Lindsay has actually "made some friends" in lockup! This can only be a good thing: Either LiLo's life is turning into a sexy women-in-prison movie, or she's picking up valuable skills related to making shivs out of sharpened cafeteria spoons and/or fermenting pruno in her toilet. Ah, just like old times!