MONDAY, JULY 26 It's week two for fallen former screen teen Lindsay Lohan, who continues to rot away in jail. (Wait... that rotting smell was there before she entered the pokey? Our mistake.) So... how's she doing? The first few days were the toughest, according to cellblock mate Alexis Neiers of the reality show Pretty Wild (never heard of it), who was serving 30 days for burglarizing Orlando Bloom's house. (EEEEEEEEE!!! We'd burglarize Orlando Bloom, too! But not his house, if you know what we mean and we think you know what we mean.) "[Lindsay] was lying in there and just trying to like calm down..." Alexis started to say, before being interrupted by us. Yeah, yeah, yeah—enough about Lindsay, jailbird. Tell us more about Orlando! Did you smell his sheets? That's what we'd do. Smell his sheets and steal pictures of him and his wife, and then cut her out of the photos, or maybe stab 'em out with a pencil and... and... ahem. Moving on. MEANWHILE... According to the Fab Life gossip website, Lindsay may be replaced by up-and-coming actress Sarah Scott in the indie flick based on the life of '70s porn actress Linda Lovelace (best known for her role in Deep Throat). C'mon, guys! Lindsay is still the gal for this job. Just tell her to imagine that foot-long cock is a bottle of Grey Goose, and it'll be fine. (Sorry! Naughty!) MEANWHILE... Here's a blast from the past: Paris Hilton (remember her?) is causing controversy after being photographed on a party yacht allegedly giving a Hitler salute, while making a Hitler 'stache with her fingers, and wearing a Hitler-esque hat. Her publicist rode to her rescue, telling the Daily Mail, "Paris was dancing and having fun with her arm up in the air as she always dances like that." Okay, but what about pretending to have a Hitler mustache? "She was scratching her face when the photo was taken," the publicist replied. And the hat? "It's a military style hat from a club." And the million Jews she killed? "They were only half Jewish! And half al-Qaida, I think."
TUESDAY, JULY 27 Quick gossip squirts! Catholics got their morals in a bunch this week after discovering 17-year-old Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen owns a vibrator. "Our society was a much happier place when Annette Funicello pranced around as a Mickey Mouse Mouseketeer," said Dr. Bill Donohue of the Catholic League. "Now we have Taylor Momsen prancing around with a dildo in hand." So. Catholics prefer furries over vibrators. Got it. MEANWHILE... Guys! Angelina Jolie has joined Twatter, guys! But don't get too excited. "Jolie had her people obtain the account for her so no one else could have that username," said a source to Us magazine. Hmmmm... taking something so no one else could have it? She's never done that before. (Cough-Brad Pitt-Cough!) MEANWHILE... The View's resident conservative harpy Elisabeth Hasselbeck has finally figured out why some women are lesbians. As it turns out, there aren't enough available men! She theorizes that older men date younger women, thereby "leaving older women with no one." Hubby Kip countered the argument by saying, "Yeah? One look at Elisabeth Hasselbeck makes me gay." And yet? He refuses to join us on our shoe shopping sprees. Hmmf. Some gay he is.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 28 Lindsay Lohan Prison Update™ Two! Lindsay's got bigger problems than being in prison—for example, what is she gonna wear when she leaves prison? Says public relations expert Ronn Torossian, "She can't look like she's on a fashion catwalk; rather she should walk quickly with her head slightly bowed. She had her roots touched up before she went in, so she doesn't have to worry about that." PHEW! Glad the "roots" problem has been taken care of. Now if she can only avoid that pesky "sharpened-spoon-stabbed-into-the-spleen" problem....
THURSDAY, JULY 29 The just-announced engagement of Bristol Palin (daughter to idiot/quitter Sarah Palin) and Levi Johnston may have hit a wee snag today when the National Enquirer announced that Levi has apparently gotten his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. WHOOPS. "Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable week of conception," a source told Radar Online. One of three? WOW. Alaska must be the most boring place in the world.
FRIDAY, JULY 30 Ahem! Lindsay Lohan Prison Update™ Three! And, uh... still not doing so good, guys. "Hollywood star Lindsay Lohan sparked a near riot overnight in jail as unrest grew over what inmates claim is preferential treatment," gushed the Mirror. "Lohan, 24, is said to be shunning carbohydrates but has made demands for Ben and Jerry's ice cream." Lohan's constant crying and begging is enraging her fellow inmates, the Mirror continues, noting they "furiously chanted threats and hammered on their cell walls" in response to LiLo's desperate pleas for Cherry Garcia. Now, let's not be too quick to judge: Perhaps Linds' behavior is an elaborate distraction designed to keep her guards from noticing that she's using a spoon to frantically dig an escape tunnel behind her Rita Hayworth poster! Or... well, maybe she just really wants ice cream and will get shivved in the next day or two. Time will tell!
SATURDAY, JULY 31 PANIC, everybody! American Idol is in upheaval! Earlier this week, judge Ellen DeGeneres announced she's quitting the show. "It was a difficult decision to make, but my work schedule became more than I bargained for," DeGeneres said. For expert analysis, we turn to Hubby Kip, who took this news seriously enough to briefly push "pause" on his StarCraft II videogame. "Man, that broad is married to Portia de Rossi," Kip said thoughtfully. "Don't take this the wrong way, babe, but if I had to choose between sitting next to Randy Jackson and boning Portia de Rossi, I'm pretty sure I'd make up some crappy excuse about my busy work schedule, too." In related news, Hubby Kip has called in sick to work for the past three days. Thanks, StarCraft II. MOVING ON. American Idol producers also reportedly fired judge Kara DioGuardi, whom absolutely no one cares about—and in doing so, set the stage for a massive revamp of the insanely popular show. Deadline Hollywood announced yesterday that the show's new judges might include former celebrity J.Lo and 900-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, who now bears a striking resemblance to a pickled herring. Meanwhile, there's a good chance that Randy Jackson will now wholeheartedly dedicate himself to collecting unemployment checks, drunk dialing Paula Abdul, and silently sobbing himself to sleep as he plays hours upon hours of StarCraft II.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 1 Today in Rhinebeck, New York, Chelsea Clinton got married to her longtime beau Marc Mezvinsky. Clinton, who was the fourth most famous Clinton in the '90s—following Bill, Hill, and Socks the Cat—had an "interfaith wedding at the palatial Astor Courts estate, standing under a rustic bower of vines and white flowers reminiscent of a traditional Jewish chuppah," reports the New York Post. The Post also notes Chelsea "and her bridesmaids all wore Vera Wang, while Hillary Rodham Clinton was decked out in a fuchsia gown by Oscar de la Renta, an old family friend." It all sounds perfectly idyllic, and would have served as a perfect reminder of how much better rich people have it than you—if it weren't for this one damning detail: "Husband-and-wife actors Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen, longtime Clinton friends, attended." That's like one step up from having Rob Schneider officiate, so at least something wasn't perfect.