CHARLIE SHEEN Trainwreck.

MONDAY, AUGUST 2 Sucks to be you, Leonard Peltier! Lindsay Lohan is already out of jail! Though sentenced to 90 long nights in the clink, she was allowed to sashay away today after serving a mere 13 days. Now, under ordinary circumstances Lindsay would have immediately exchanged prison bars for a poolside bar at the Roosevelt Hotel—but Judge Marsha Revel has once again ruined any potential fun by ensuring she went straight from jail, directly into rehab. BOOOO!! How are we supposed to write a gossip column under these insanely constricted conditions?? But it gets worse! Judge Revel is so wary of any potential LiLo shenanigans, she ordered the starlet to bypass the trendy Morningside Recovery rehab center for the decidedly less-posh UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital, where there's very little chance of anyone slipping her any illegal contraband. Again... BOOOO!! Half of the movie deals in Hollyweird are made at Morningside! Besides, no one's going to greenlight Herbie Goes to the Neuropsychiatric Hospital! MEANWHILE... We don't understand this Justin Bieber person. He's a kid singer, right? So why does he look like a cast member from The L Word? Regardless, not only are Hollyweird bigwigs making this 16-year-old a star in his own 3D concert movie, he's also landed a book deal to write his memoir. OMG! HE'S 16, PEOPLE! We have support hose older than he is!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3 And while the thought of a 16-year-old lesbian achieving things we've only dreamed of may be galling, it's just as inconceivable that horse-faced Jennifer Aniston continues to gallop her way onto magazine covers. This week she made the front page of Bazaar, accompanied by an interview in which she DARES to compare herself to Barbra Streisand. "[Barbra and I] are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or worse," Jennifer whinnied. "You just keep riding, and you keep overcoming." FACT CHECK: Barbra Streisand has won two Academy Awards, four Emmys, a Tony, and a Peabody. Jennifer was in Friends, and that Ferris Bueller show. Oh, and lest we forget, she placed third in the 1997 Kentucky Derby. (We like to give credit where credit's due.) MEANWHILE... As we correctly predicted last week, the on-again, off-again engagement of Bristol Palin (daughter to idiot skank Sarah) and Levi Johnston is decidedly off again after it was revealed that he may have fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend. Naturally, her drooling dimwit of a mother had something to say about it. "I wish for Bristol to be able to move forward in life with her same forgiving, gracious, optimistic spirit," said the most terrible person in the world. "But from henceforth she'll know to trust, but verify." Okay, there's no way she actually said that. Sarah Palin is so stupid, she thinks "henceforth" is a town in Idaho and "verify" is her brand of menopause medication.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 4 In clearly the best news of the week, today California Judge Vaughn R. Walker overturned the obviously homophobic and unconstitutional Proposition 8, which denied same-sex couples the right to marry. "It would demean a married couple were it to be said marriage is simply about the right to have sexual intercourse," Judge Walker wisely said. "Moral disapproval, without any other asserted state interest, has never been a rational basis for legislation." WHAT... HE... SAID. MEANWHILE... Celebs are twatting up a storm about Judge Walker's momentous decision. "YEAHHHHH!!!!! #PROP8UNCONSTITUTIONAL MOVING FORWARD!!!!!!!" twatted a rather enthusiastic Ricky Martin. "We're gonna throw glitter on this barn tonight!!!" twatted hilarious American Idol finalist Adam Lambert. "Prop 8 was struck down! This news is amazing!!! It's about time! Congrats to everyone!" twatted reality star Kim Kardashian who may be right, but she's still a stupid whore, and should therefore shut the fuck up.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 5 In the worst news of the week, the admittedly gorgeous Elisabetta Canalis revealed how very, very happy she is in her continuing-to-blossom relationship with the man who should be our life mate, George Clooney. "I sometimes feel insecure, but if you are loved then you always feel great," she told Us magazine. "George reassures me all the time. I feel more embraced than ever before." HATE.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 6 Well, it's Friday, which means it's time for your weekly dose of ridiculous Charlie Sheen news! (Just pretend it's gross medicine you have to take, and we'll make sure it's over as soon as possible.) So... remember a little while ago when the Two and a Half Men star was accused of assaulting his wife, Brooke Mueller? Well, now we know what might've set him off: The terrible band Train! According to Sheen's bewildering statement to the Aspen Police Department, Mueller got angry when Sheen revealed he and one of his daughters "share an affinity for both astronomy and the song 'Drops of Jupiter' from the band Train." According to police, Sheen claimed, "Mueller was jealous of the relationship with his daughter. He stated that Mueller said, 'You have a song you share with your daughter, but not one with me?'" The argument then escalated—resulting in Sheen being revealed as a super-creepy dude who may or may not beat up women after rocking out to Train. This is a sober reminder, dears, of a horrible, horrible fact: "Drops of Jupiter" ruins everything. As do the Spin Doctors.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 7 Meooowwwr! Hiss! CATFIGHT! "I find Audrey Hepburn fantastically twee," grumpy British actress Emma Thompson told the Hollywood Reporter. "She can't sing and she really can't act, I'm afraid." Thompson—who's writing a remake of Hepburn's My Fair Lady, presumably because at this point, it's the only conceivable thing left that hasn't been remade—went on her snooty anti-Hepburn diatribe for an uncomfortably long time, dropping in such bon mots as, "I'm sure she was a delightful woman—and perhaps if I had known her I would have enjoyed her acting more, but I don't and I didn't, so that's all there is to it really," and "I don't do Audrey Hepburn. I think that she's a guy thing." In related news, Audrey Hepburn—who appeals to both genders, thankyouverymuch—is the beautiful and charming star of Roman Holiday, Sabrina, and Breakfast at Tiffany's. She has also been dead for 17 years. Thompson, meanwhile, was in Junior and Love Actually, while her latest film, Nanny McPhee Returns, is targeted at developmentally disabled British children known as "gingers."

SATURDAY, AUGUST 8 Just when you thought reality TV couldn't get any worse, the freakishly stupid Sarah Palin returns to crash the party! Welcome to Sarah Palin's Alaska, an upcoming series on TLC (the same channel that brings us I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, a reality show about women who are too stupid to realize... well, you know). TV guru Mark Burnett (Survivor and The Apprentice) will produce the show, and excels at pretending to be excited in press releases. "With a dynamic personality that has captivated millions, I can't think of anyone more compelling than Sarah Palin to tell the story of Alaska," Burnett says. UGH, and fuck YOU, Burnett. MEANWHILE... It gets even worse! "Sources close to [Levi] Johnston tell TMZ he signed a new reality deal this weekend," the gossip site says in a post entitled, "Lost a Fiancée, Gained a Reality Show." Why would cameras be following the lunkheaded Levi around? Perhaps because, according to the Hollywood Reporter, he's planning to run for mayor of Sarah Palin's hometown of Wasilla, Alaska. Jesus Christ. (Sorry, Alaska—but you've gone from Northern Exposure to this?) We give these new shows four episodes each before that stupid whore Kim Kardashian shows up in a parka, which would then be followed by an unexpected incident where Bristol's water breaks—whoopsie!—who's shocked to discover that she's pregnant again with yet another Palin larva. Who, no doubt, would then get its own reality TV show. Rinse and repeat.