MONDAY, AUGUST 23 Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where every week, yours truly scoops out the Tinseltown turds from the gossip litterbox so you don't have to! First up this week: Tiger Woods and his scorned wife Elin! Or, should we say, ex-wife—the two are now officially divorced. "It was ice cold between Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren at the courthouse," Radar reports. A source gabs, "Tiger was sitting down when Elin walked into the room. They didn't even look at each other." But immediately after the couple's "irretrievably broken" marriage was granted a mercy killing, Elin fled to People! "I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children," she gushed to the mag. "My main focus is to try to give myself time to heal." Meanwhile, we can guess what Tiger's focus is: If he boned that many ladies when he was married, just imagine how many he can bone without Elin snooping around! IN RELATED NEWS... Several resourceful dweebs at MIT are currently working to invent a number bigger than infinity.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 24 We learned two things in high school: First, basic math (back then, it took exactly 5.75 Bartles & Jaymes for us to be drunk enough to go home with someone in the A/V club—hi Hubby Kip!), and second, don't anger the drama nerds. Weak, whimpering, and melodramatic (and usually kinda slutty, even without the assistance of Messrs. Bartles and Jaymes), drama nerds usually let every other clique in school walk all over them—until angered, when they unleash a tidal wave of fabulous fury! Why does this matter? Here's why! Sony Music is currently facing off with the kings of the drama nerds—AKA the obnoxious cast of Glee—who're theatrically enraged that they haven't received more royalties from Glee's soundtrack albums. "The Glee cast is furious because they feel they were misled by Sony," a source tells the New York Post. Sony doesn't seem too concerned, but for the love of god, Sony, pay up—those Gleetards won't hesitate to hold a sing-in at Sony HQ, and there simply aren't enough words to describe how deeply annoying that would be.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25 Are "John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston BACK TOGETHER?" The Huffington Post wants to know! After a story on HuffPo implied the douchey singer and equine actress were rekindling their romance, Mayer raced to his Tumblr page and dashed off a diatribe denying the whole thing! "Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together, and misleading," Mayer pouted. Hmm. Okay. FIRST: No, we don't know what "Silly Bandz" are either—but we do find it charming that Mayer uses the old-timey spelling for "malt shoppe." SECOND: Yes, it is a bit rude for Mayer to throw a public tantrum over the mere rumor he could be dating Aniston—but then again, put yourself in his shoes! If someone told the press you were dating Aniston, you'd probably fly into an irrational rage, too. OH, WAIT... Look what we found! "Silly Bandz are a brand of silicone rubber bands formed into shapes including animals, objects, and letters," says Wikipedia. "Silly Bandz have been banned in many classrooms for being too distracting. Safety concerns have also arisen [from] reports of children injuring their arms due to extended wearing of Silly Bandz." Well, isn't that interesting—John Meyer talking about children's fashion? Could it be he's... interested in having a baby with Jennifer Aniston?!
THURSDAY, AUGUST 26 As if John Mayer's Tumblr freakout wasn't embarrassing enough, now 50 Cent is taking to Twatter to complain—and he might be our new favorite celebrity Twatterer, unseating such luminaries as Kanye West and Lindsay Lohan! Don't believe us? Here! Today at 11:56 am: "I can't believe my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit." 12:00 pm: "Got damn it motherfuckers I'm having a bad dayThere's other people at the house she just likes to boss me around." 12:12 pm: "I took out the garbage She mad cause I havent been over there a lot I been working my grand father was laughingAnd shit fuck that." Two days later, his grandmother made another intriguing appearance on his feed ("My grandma pregnant again trying to talk her out of keeping it" [What?! –Ann]), and so did Kanye! "I just looked at kanye page what the fuck kind a spaced out tweets are those. fuck that I aint never looking at that shit again." Well said, 50 Cent. MEANWHILE... Now seems as good a time as any to remember that every public tweet is archived for all time in the Library of Congress.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 27 In the least surprising news ever, Paris Hilton has been arrested in Las Vegas "after a police motorcycle officer smelled marijuana smoke wafting from a black Cadillac Escalade driven by her boyfriend on the Las Vegas Strip," says the Associated Press. Shortly thereafter, according to the police report, Paris told the cop she needed some lip balm from her purse. "As she began to open it," the cop writes, "I saw a small bindle of what I believed to be cocaine in a clear baggie begin to fall from the purse and into my hand." He presumably left out this line, from the first draft of his report: "Can you believe how easy this job is?!"
SATURDAY, AUGUST 28 Okay, ICK. Today in Washington, DC, at the Lincoln Memorial, demagogue Glenn Beck held a massive right-wing rally attended by anywhere from 300,000 to 650,000 developmentally disabled Americans. (Interesting fact: Today was also the 47th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, which was also delivered at the Lincoln Memorial. Meanwhile, Beck has characterized President Obama as someone with a "deep-seated hatred for white people.") "The overwhelmingly white and largely middle-aged crowd Saturday was a mix of groups that have come together under the Tea Party umbrella," the New York Times reports. "Mr. Beck imbued his remarks with references to God, and he urged a religious revival." When the pasty, chubby attendees weren't complaining about the proposed mosque near Ground Zero, illegal immigration, and that pesky separation of church and state thing, they listened to Beck's speechifying ("Something that is beyond man is happening! America today begins to turn back to God!"), with a chaser from good ol' Sarah Palin, who hopped onstage to add, "We must not fundamentally transform America as some would want; we must restore America and restore her honor." Both speakers were received with enthusiasm by the crowd, which included a number of men wearing tri-cornered hats, who presumably are the very definition of dignity and honor.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 29 Well, we almost made it through the week without devoting an entire day to Lindsay Lohan, but—like the canny, resourceful, drunken scoundrel that she is—she snuck in at the last minute! Let's get it over with quickly, like ripping off a Band-Aid: On Tuesday, Linds was let out of rehab. (Despite being sentenced to 90 days of rehab, she got out after a mere three weeks—probably because she was so good at rehabbing, right?) In addition to demanding that the cops apologize to her for supposedly unfair treatment, LiLo also entered talks with a radio station that's offering her and her mom a whopping $1 million to become morning DJs. [Dear God—It's me, Ann. Please, please make this happen. You know that radio show would be amazing. Maybe even better than 50 Cent's Twitter feed!] Oh, and Lohan was also pulled over this weekend for running a stop sign in her Maserati. And so, dears, we leave you with a bit of comfort—isn't it nice to know that, no matter what, some things will never, ever change?