LINDSAY LOHAN: Baby Killer.

MONDAY, AUGUST 30 Today in the outrageous lies celebrities love to tell, Paris Hilton frantically told some whoppers while being arrested last Friday for possession of cocaine. As we excitedly gushed last week, P.Hil was pulled over in Vegas by a cop who caught a suspicious whiff of marijuana in her vehicle. Even more shocking? The policeman discovered a "bindle of coke" in her purse! (That's the major difference between the rich and poor: Paris puts cocaine in her bindle, while hobos carry a can of beans and their cigar stubs.) Well naturally Paris disavowed any ownership of the purse, claiming it belonged to a friend. And to pile whopper upon whopper, actually told the cops she thought the bindle of blow was "gum." (We bet this was a scheme to grab the coke and chew it into oblivion—and it would've worked too, had it not been for those meddling cops!) She also made a lame attempt to excuse herself to a nearby bathroom—probably to shove the bindle inside her "secret wallet" (read: the one she bikini waxes every week). But before we jump to any more totally plausible conclusions, could it be possible that Paris was telling the truth about the purse actually belonging to a friend? Not according to Radar Online, which published a photo of Paris a month ago—carrying an identical if not the very same purse! "Love my new Chanel purse I got today :)," Paris twatted in mid-July, along with an incriminating photo of the admittedly adorable clutch in question. Expect her next twat to say, "Charged with a felony today, expect one to four years in prison :("

TUESDAY, AUGUST 31 Speaking of celeb jailbirds, One Day regular Lindsay Lohan is finally out of rehab and back at work rehabbing her failed stardom. "I want my career back," she begged Vanity Fair, who has absolutely no control over such things. "I know that I'm a damn good actress... I want the respect that I had when I was doing great movies." Yeah... that last phrase stopped us in our tracks, too. Let's see, there was Mean Girls, and... she knows she wasn't in The Hurt Locker, right? MEANWHILE... Remember when über-harpie Kate Gosselin was the contestant we loved to loathe on last season's Dancing with the Stars? Well, get ready to loathe again because her replacement this season is none other than America's most despised teen mom, Bristol Palin! Yes, the gal who shares the same polluted gene pool as Sarah Palin will be hoofing it up on DWTS—but will she be slutting it out with the barely there costumes other contestants wear? "I know that [my costumes] will be the most conservative," Bristol told Us magazine. "I will be the most dressed. That's how I am and that's how I want to dress." Denying the world the sight of your stretch marks? Bristol, you've taken your first baby step to cleaning up your mom's filthy legacy.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 Is there heartbreak in store for Hollyweird's fave May-December romance? According to the only somewhat reliable Star magazine, Ashton Kutcher was caught fooling around on wifey Demi Moore, making lip music with a busty blonde outside a restroom at LA's trendy Italian eatery Madeo. "Ashton had this gorgeous girl pinned against the wall, and he was totally making out with her," a gabby gastronome told Star. "I was shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who obviously wasn't Demi." Really? We've always been shocked to see him sucking face with a girl who WAS Demi—but hey, at least it wasn't Jennifer Aniston, right? Seriously. Tell us it wasn't Jennifer Aniston.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 In far less interesting scandals, the National Enquirer is running a real ho-hum cover story this week: actor John Travolta is (according to them) GAY, GAY, GAY! Though this rumor was floating around when our grandma was sexually active, the tabloid is nevertheless vociferously claiming that John-boy has been involved in "lewd sex acts with other men" as part of a "secret gay spa subculture." (Ummm... since when have gay spas been a "secret" or a "subculture"? However, we will agree that "lewd" gay sex acts are the only kind worth talking about.) The article quotes Robert Randolph, author of the amazingly named memoir You'll Never Spa in this Town Again (YES!), who says, "I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind [wife] Kelly's back for years... and when the details emerge, he's gonna make Tiger Woods look like a Boy Scout." Ummm-hmmm... look. Unless Tiger is dressed like a Boy Scout while John is fucking him? We're not interested.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 We all know how much Lindsay Lohan hates SCRAM alcohol monitoring bracelets, right? But does she hate BABIES, as well? In a hilariously shocking Rad- ar Online report, the tabloid accuses LiLo of (one of) the ultimate crimes against humanity: clipping a baby stroller while driving her Maserati! According to eyewitness Brayan Jaime (a paparazzo, natch), the accident occurred when Lindsay was exiting her apartment parking lot. "Lindsay took the red light and hit the stroller. It wasn't super hard, but she made impact and hit them," Jaime said. "Lindsay pulled to the right, stopped for two seconds, and then just kept going." However, when approached by TMZ, eyewitness Jaime pumped up the volume on his quote somewhat, telling the website that the "not-so super hard" tap was actually "full impact... it was a major hit," adding that the bumper smacked the nanny's leg and bashed the stroller "knocking three of the four wheels in the air." We're still waiting for someone... anyone... to file a complaint against LiLo's driving, as well as another inflated description of the story for One Day at a Time. We think Jaime's quote should go something like this: "LiLo saw the baby stroller, took a swig of Grey Goose, and screamed, 'I HATE FUCKING BABIES!' She gunned her Maserati, splattered the babysitter into a million pieces and knocked the baby all the way to the moon. Fortunately, the baby grew up to be King of the Moon, and eventually hired Lindsay to be the 'number one actress on the moon,' where she went back to making great movies again—just like her role in The Hurt Locker!"

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 It was almost a year ago today when Kanye West hopped up onstage at the Video Music Awards, stole the mic from winner Taylor Swift and uttered those now famous words, "I'mma let you finish." (He, of course, didn't.) However, after the alcohol wore off, and he learned EVERYONE IN THE WORLD hated him—including President Obama who called him a "jackass"—Kanye admitted he may have made a wee mistake... a mistake he continues to twat about today! In a long-winded series of twats, Kanye apologized again for interrupting Ms. Swift. Here are some excerpts: "I've hurt, I've bled, I've learned. I only want to do good. I am passionate, I am human, I am real. I wish I could meet every hater. I wish I could talk to every hater face to face and change their opinion of me one conversation at a time. I wish they all knew how much I really cared about music and pop culture and art and people's feelings, and...." AUGGGH!! I'MMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT IF YOU CARE ABOUT OUR FEELINGS, WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!? (We lied. We're not gonna let him finish.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 Today all the celebrities in the world took the rest of the weekend off in celebration of Labor Day—except for Lindsay Lohan who's still frantically trying to snag a role in The Hurt Locker II: Look Who's Blowin' Up! You work it, girl.