LINDSAY LOHAN Mommy dearest.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 Let's start with the oldest man in the world threatening to smack Lindsay Lohan in the mouth. As we all know, old people hate young people because they are young. This could explain why old-timey comedian Jerry Lewis (an angry 84-years-young) went on Inside Edition and gave this advice when asked about how he would solve LiLo's current woes. "I would smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman," the clearly demented octogenarian quipped. "I would say, 'You deserve this and nothing else.' Whack! And then, if she's not satisfied, I'll put her over my knee and spank her." And after that he'd ask his nurse for a sponge bath. And if that didn't satisfy him, he would take a nap in the lobby of his rest home while watching Diagnosis Murder. Then he would quietly pass away because his colostomy bag hadn't been emptied for a week, and the contents had backed up into his brain. MEANWHILE... As reported last week in One Day, Kanye West is still so very, very sorry for interrupting Taylor Swift during last year's Video Music Awards. If fact, he's so apoplectic with remorse, he's written a song for her and twatted all about it. "I wrote a song for Taylor Swift that's so beautiful and I want her to have it," Kanye mournfully twatted. "If she won't take it then I'll perform it for her.... she's just a li'l girl with dreams like the rest of us. We're both artist [sic] and the media and the managers are trying to get between us. I'm ready to get out of my own way. The ego is overdone... it's like hoodies." Everything Kanye says is so unbelievably stupid—except for that last sentence, and he's totes right. Hoodies. UGH!!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 If Jerry Lewis has any energy left after physically/sexually abusing Lindsay Lohan, he may want to slap some Snooki as well! A New Jersey judge (himself no spring chicken) tongue-lashed the Jersey Shore star today after she pled guilty to disorderly conduct, creating a public nuisance, and "annoying others." Snooki was arrested in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, after guzzling a beer bong and falling off a bicycle—which is all in a day's work for her, but apparently against the law. After smacking her with a $533 fine and two days of community service, the judge went on to call Snooki a "Lindsay Lohan wannabe" and asked her, "if it was worth trading your dignity for a paycheck." Your honor! Ann Romano for the defense! First of all, Snooki will never be a Lindsay Lohan—her bottom half is way too heavy. Secondly, it's been two years since Snooki traded away her dignity for a paycheck, so why don't you empty your colostomy bag and go back to your episode of Diagnosis Murder? No, YOU'RE out of order!!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 New day, different case. Your honor! Ann Romano for the defense! You have before you a claim from former bodyguard Fernando Flores that his previous employer, Britney Spears, repeatedly exposed herself to him in a sexual manner. This claim is preposterous, as we will soon prove. In his lawsuit, Flores says that on one occasion, "[Spears] was wearing a white lace, see-through dress. She walked over and intentionally dropped her cigarette lighter on the floor, bent over to retrieve it, thereby exposing her uncovered genitals to [Flores], causing shock and disgust." Your honor—Britney Spears is a star, and has not bent over to pick up anything since dropping a fried chicken leg in 2009. The suit also alleges that Spears invited Flores to her room, where she was standing naked. It says, "After an awkward silence, [Flores] asked Spears if she needed anything. After some hesitation, Spears asked [Flores] to get her two bottles of 7-Up." Your honor, everyone knows Ms. Spears only drinks Red Bull—besides, when did it become a CRIME to expose your genitals to an employee? No, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER! Case dismissed!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 We never thought we'd say this, but THANK YOU, ANGELINA JOLIE. After Jolie publicly denounced Florida pastor Terry Jones—the inbred mouth breather that threatened to burn copies of the Koran on September 11—the racist hillbilly called off his event. Sure, Jones claims he cancelled his event because the builders of a proposed Islamic center near Ground Zero promised to move to a new location... but we all know the truth, don't we? (Piss off Jolie, and she'll steal your spouse—just like poor Jennifer Aniston!)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Great news, everybody: Lindsay Lohan wants a baby! "The star has confided to a pal that she's determined to stay sober and [Wait for it...—Ann] thinks the best way for her to achieve that goal is to get pregnant," says In Touch. "According to the pal, Lindsay, 24, hates being alone and thinks a baby would make the perfect companion." Damn, Linds! Color us impressed! While we've tried plenty of times to get off the sauce (*hic*), we've never considered having a baby in order to do so. Admittedly, that's mostly because the mere thought of having to change some rugrat's diaper makes us drop whatever we're doing and pour ourselves a stiff drink. IN NEWS FROM ROUGHLY NINE MONTHS IN THE FUTURE... We're sorry, littlest Lohan. So, so sorry.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 "The ninth anniversary of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, was marked on Saturday by the memorials and prayer services of the past, but also by events hard to envision just a year ago—heated demonstrations blocks from Ground Zero, political and religious tensions, and an unmistakable sense that a once-unifying day was now replete with division," writes the New York Times. In other words, what was once a day of mourning has been taken over by attention-hungry protesters—from those screaming for and against a proposed Muslim community center near Ground Zero, to Tea Partiers, to Florida pastor/wannabe book-burner Terry Jones (who skulked around New York under police protection). Even as President Obama urged Americans to "stay true to our traditions... as a diverse and tolerant nation," anti-abortion protesters gathered in front of the White House to tear pages from the Koran. Note to world: We can do better than this. Right?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 As noted above, Americans struggle with national tragedies like 9/11... but today, bravely defying the horrors of the past and striding forward in unity, a few brave souls did just that. The tragedy we speak of, obvs, was last September's snubbing of Taylor Swift by Kanye West at the Video Music Awards. Today—on the heartbreaking anniversary of that devastating event—both Kanye and Taylor attempted to move on: Taylor by singing a sappy song directed at West (SPOILER: She forgives him!), and West by performing a mediocre number that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Taylor. In other VMA news, hostess Chelsea Handler was awful, presenter Cher continued her dedicated impression of a zombified drag queen, and Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat. Explaining her dress to Ellen DeGeneres, Gaga said, "It's certainly no disrespect to anyone that's vegan or vegetarian. As you know, I'm the most judgment-free human being on earth. For me... it's [saying] if we don't stand up for what we believe in, if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones." Huh. IN OTHER NEWS... Join us next year for our write-up of the 2011 VMAs, in which we, as a nation, work together to forgive ourselves for ever giving Lady Gaga one iota of attention. (If the shuffling corpse of Zombie Cher hasn't killed each and every one of us.)