JOAQUIN PHOENIX Liar!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 Dear readers! Mark this day on your calendar, because future generations will always remember this date as when One Day at a Time began giving Lindsay Lohan the "benefit of the doubt." LiLo's been through some rough times, guys! But after serving her—okay, somewhat truncated—prison sentence and her—okay, admittedly short—stint in rehab, we truly believe that Lindsay is turning over a new leaf, and is well on her way to regaining her career and embracing her newfound sobrie... THIS JUST IN. According to Us magazine, Lindsay followed up her pro-sobriety sketch with Chelsea Handler at the VMAs by going out and partying her ass off. A little over two weeks after being released from rehab, Linds was spotted whooping it up late into the night at NYC's thumping Boom Boom Room. "She's telling everyone she didn't go out," says an insider. "We're like, 'Lindsay, people saw you there!'" Yeah, but... but maybe... maybe she was leading a 12-step group, and the Boom Boom Room was the only place that was open at 3 am, and had coffee and stale cookies and... and... OH LINDSAY. Your lies are tearing us apart!! MEANWHILE, and speaking of lies, remember how Joaquin Phoenix has been acting like a crazy, drug-addled, bearded rapper for the last couple of years? Turns out it was all a big hoax for a pseudo-documentary directed by Casey Affleck, who told the New York Times, "I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind." Maybe that's because you're a quote, fucking liar, unquote, too?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Today was "primary election day" for many states, and "OMG I'm gonna shoot myself in the face day" for much of the GOP establishment, who saw key seats ripped away from them by members of the crazy, yet very enthusiastic Tea Party. Of particular note, Tea Partier and nutbag commentator Christine O'Donnell handily defeated her Republican rival in Delaware, sending the upper echelons of entitled conservatives into a frenzy. But really, what do the Republicans have to worry about? Just because Christine will be going up against moderate Democrat Christopher Coons who is NOT anti-choice, anti-health care legislation, or an advocate of creationism (like Christine), there's no need to panic. Coons is also not fiercely anti-masturbation (like Christine), nor has he called homosexuals "psychologically defective" or ever admitted on Bill Maher's Politically Incorrect program that he had "dabbled in witchcraft." So relax, Republicans. Christine's a shoe-in to be elected! Hmm. On second thought, PANIC!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 Today in "weird," angry celebrity racist Mel Gibson was spotted walking around Tinselturd wearing his most ridiculously unconvincing disguise yet. Sporting dark horn-rimmed glasses, a baseball cap, and a gigantic white bushy fake mustache, Gibson verbally accosted some photographers, asking them, "What's it like sniffing other people's laundry?" Mel, actor and Quaker Oats spokesman Wilford Brimley called. He wants his mustache back. You can keep the "crazy." MEANWHILE... Former pop star/actress/diva Jennifer Lopez has officially signed on to be one of the judges for American Idol, and will be paid $12 million for one year's work. In a related story, FUCK THAT!!!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 "Lying Liars Week" continues with the following lying liars. Distasteful person Ashton Kutcher still denies the rumors being spread by tabloid Star that accuse the actor of porking a couple of 20-somethings on separate occasions. Ashton defensively took to his Twatter account and twatted, "Star magazine—you don't get to stand behind 'freedom of the press' when you are writing fiction." Wifey/actress Demi Moore twatted Ashton back, twatting, "Excellent point, my love!" WHY IS SHE TWATTING HIM?? HE'S ACROSS THE ROOM!! If you guys aren't cheating on each other, you should be! MEANWHILE... The woman in Vancouver, Washington, who accused a mysterious black person of throwing acid in her face has confessed she LIED and made up the entire story. Note to future liars: Can you please stop using black people as the go-to perpetrators in your fabrications? There are so many other people to blame. Start with Mel Gibson and work your way down. MEANWHILE... Former reality show characters Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt—who supposedly are in the midst of a messy divorce—were seen smooching at the Santa Barbara Zoo. So that means these two are LYING, or what the witness actually saw were two Bonobo apes sticking their tongues in each other's asses.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Okay, we're back to giving Lindsay Lohan the benefit of the doubt. Maybe—just maybe—things really are turning around for her! Today, for example? Linds settled her lawsuit with E*Trade for an undisclosed sum! That sum must've been pretty high, too, as TMZ reports Linds is "very happy" with the outcome. (You'll recall, dears, that during the last Super Bowl, the stock-trading company aired an ad featuring a baby named "Lindsay" who was a "milkaholic," inspiring Lohan to lurch into a drunken tizzy-fit and then drunkenly sue them.) Nice work, Lindsay! Maybe you are doing much, much bett—THIS JUST IN. "Lindsay Lohan has failed a drug test," reports TMZ. According to the terms of Lohan's probation, that means she could get thrown back in jail for 30 days. It also casts serious doubt on Lindsay's supposed recovery efforts an—THIS JUST IN. Linds has gone to Us to defend herself! "I'm fine," she proudly told the mag today. And TMZ? "They're all nuts," LiLo said. Phew. That was a close one. Thanks for setting the matter straight, Linds, and we're glad to hear you're doing great!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 "Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test," Lindsay Lohan twatted today, reminding us all that everyone lies about everything. (We assume Linds sent the following DM to Us: "Oopie! ;-)") "This was certainly a setback for me," Lindsay added, "but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I'm prepared to face the consequences." Mmm-hmm. LIE. IN OTHER NEWS... The embattled Randy Quaid and his crazy wife were arrested again last week, this time for allegedly squatting on a property in Santa Barbara. The Quaids, however, tell TMZ that the land is theirs, with Randy spinning them an elaborate tale, noting that back in 1982, a mystery villain forged the signature of a dead woman named Ronda Quaid on a legal document, thus incorrectly transferring ownership of the Quaids' land to... eh, whatevs. Legal mumbo jumbo aside, the point is, a ghost is trying to steal Randy Quaid's house. Either that, or Randy Quaid's a ghostbuster? Or there's a dead lady in Randy Quaid's attic? Or that Randy Quaid's career is dead? Yeah, that's it. That's the true one. Mystery solved!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 "I really am losing my grip. I desperately need a solution. Sorry it has to affect you. I can't stand anything any more... I'm stuck," Mel Gibson wrote last spring in an email to Oksana Grigorieva, the woman he physically and verbally abused. "I try to be ok but it overpowers me & i'm something I don't want to be. It's a primal scream thing. The pain is too great & everywhere I turn is making it heavier. Oh to have peace! Oh to have joy. Oh to be able to provide it for another. I'm a f**king failure." Well, yes, Mel, you are—but next time you chastise yourself in an apology email, maybe you should leave off the last line of this one: "Sent from my iPhone." MEANWHILE... Lindsay's going back to prison! Well, probably. Us reports that due to her failed drug test (and her LIES), LiLo's probation was revoked and a warrant has been issued for her arrest. HOWEVER! In an encouraging sign, this weekend Lindsay attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in West Hollywood! Maybe we should give her a bit more credit than we have be—THIS JUST IN. Unnamed sources at a Brentwood Milkaholics Anonymous have informed us that "Lindsay hasn't showed in months." "I mean, maybe I'm being too harsh on her," her MA sponsor said, "but I'm kinda starting to doubt her conviction to staying lactose-free."