MONDAY, MARCH 19 Time moves quickly in Hollyweird, so we guess we shouldn't be surprised that Britney Spears' 30-day stint in rehab has successfully come to an end! (If this was a movie, we'd show you a montage of Britney doing push-ups, struggling against her straitjacket, tearfully writing in her journal, doing sit-ups, smoking a carton of Marlboros, and ending with a freeze frame of her pumping her fist into the air.) Here's the part of the story where we feign being happy for her: GOOD FOR YOU, BRITNEY! And we hope you never, ever again do something so spectacularly awesome as whack off your hair and attack a SUV with a golf umbrella. MEANWHILE... Even Britney's divorce is taking a turn for the better! After an "amazing meeting" on Sunday with ex-hubby Kevin Federline—who, thanks to Brit's shenanigans, has gone from Cheeto-eating layabout to "Father of the Year"—the two have allegedly hammered out a few of the divorce details, including how much spending money Federline will get, and who will keep the kids. One report says K.Fed will receive $20 million and sole custody of the brood until Britney proves she can once again safely wield a golf umbrella. Others claim that, thanks to an ironclad prenup, K.Fed can only expect a paltry one million, with Brit eventually regaining full control over the children. No word yet on who will get custody of the contents of the couple's wine cellar, where they have been aging 10,000 quart jars filled with vodka and Red Bull.
TUESDAY, MARCH 20 OMG! Nicole Richie has hypoglycemia! DID YOU JUST HEAR US? We said... Nicole Richie has hypoglycemia! Wow, that just explains so much. And we bet it would explain even more if we knew what "hypoglycemia" means. Sure, we could look up the information on any one of our computer's internets... but let's be realistic. It's just Nicole Richie, so unless she ends up like Christopher Reeve, it's much easier for us just to yell, "OMG! Nicole Richie has hypoglycemia!" MEANWHILE... OMG! Naomi Campbell wore stiletto heels on her first day of community service! (Now, that's a medical diagnosis we know something about!) After bouncing a cell phone off the noggin of her maid, former supermodel Naomi Campbell was sentenced to five days of community service at... prepare to wince... NYC's Sanitation Department, where she will be forced to... prepare to shudder... MOP FLOORS. For the love of God, why didn't they just kill her? We could see making Jeffrey Dahmer clean a toilet or two, but Naomi Campbell? Happily, she maintained the little dignity she had left by showing up to work wearing the aforementioned stiletto shoes, diamond earrings, and a chinchilla coat. (Don't freak out, fur lovers! The chinchilla was humanely put to death after being found guilty of throwing her cell phone at a marmot.)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21 Celebrity adopter Angelina Jolie has picked up yet another child in her travels—this one from a Vietnamese orphanage. In a related story, today we picked up the latest issue of Vogue, and spent a sizeable portion of the afternoon lying on our couch reading it. MEANWHILE... Former heartthrob Keanu Reeves has been accused of running down a member of the paparazzi, and then attempting to flee the scene. According to the victim—who undoubtedly deserved every injury he received, "He wanted to kill me. After I took his picture he was driving away... but then he turned round in a circle and drove straight at me. [I was] hit in the knees. I was lying in the street." In a related story, we read about this story while lying on our couch reading People. Our knee kind of hurts, too.
THURSDAY, MARCH 22 Today Democratic candidate John Edwards vowed to continue his campaign for the presidency, even after finding out his wife is suffering from incurable cancer. (Remind us never to vote for—or marry—John Edwards.) MEANWHILE... In news that would be hard pressed to surprise anyone, today Mel Gibson told a professor of Mayan culture to "fuck off." The recovering anti-Semite and director of Apocalypto—a violent film about an ancient Mayan culture in decline—was speaking to a Cal State film class, which, unfortunately for Mel, had an actual expert of Mayan culture in attendance. Alicia Estrada, an Assistant Professor of Central American Studies, noted that Gibson's depictions of sacrificial ceremonies and the Mayans' bloodthirsty attitude were not only wrong, but racist—which led hotheaded Mel to retort, "Lady... fuck off." When actual Mayans in the audience offered up similar criticisms, Gibson ordered them all to be escorted out, advising them to "Make your own movie!" So... be sure to catch Adrunkalypto: The Story of a Crazy Drunken Anti-Semite coming to a theater near you. Summer 2008.
FRIDAY MARCH 23 Never fear, perverts! Emma Watson—AKA Hermione "Jailbait" Granger in the Harry Potter movies—will be back for films six and seven. Watson threatened to quit the multi-kazillion dollar franchise, which also stars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint (AKA Ron "Not So Jailbaity" Weasley), who noted that Watson was "tired of being known as 'that girl from Harry Potter.'" But Warner Bros. made it official today, announcing that all three of the films' young leads will star in the films through 2010's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. A collective sigh of relief was expelled by countless dweebs and/or perverts, who promptly restarted their "Days Until Emma Watson is 18" countdown clocks, logged back on to World of Warcraft, and began discussing the breaking news among their fellow nerdlings. "OMFG, she's back! Herm1one 43vr! 382 days! W00T!"
SATURDAY MARCH 24 Whoopsie! So New York City's potholes? Uh... turns out they might've been filled with bones from the victims of the World Trade Center attacks. A group made up of family members of the deceased, The WTC Families for Proper Burial, filed paperwork today in a Manhattan court, alleging that debris from Ground Zero wasn't adequately searched, claiming that some of the material—including "bits of bone"—might have been used to "fill potholes and pave city roads." Shudder. Other uses the City of New York found for all that pesky 9/11 debris: material for a city-wide papier mâché contest, and something ex-mayor Rudy Giuliani will only refer to as "toupee glue." Again: shudder.
SUNDAY MARCH 25 Okay, so we know Britney Spears just got out of rehab. So to no one's surprise, she's already checked into the hospital! (Oh, Brit! Will your hijinks ever end? For your sake, we hope they do. But for the sake of snarky gossip columns? Keep 'em comin', sweetie!) TMZ.com reported that Britters checked into the Century City Hospital because of "significant pain in one of her molars," leaving about an hour later. Hm. A toothache, you say? Maybe it has something to do with how the former Pepsi spokeswoman is addicted to Coke. (No, not that coke. Coke. Capital "C." Though yeah, sure, now that you mention it, she's probably also addicted to the lowercase "C" as well.) As reported last week in One Day, Britney allegedly drinks no less than 24 cans of Coca-Cola a day—which could easily explain why her teeth are rotting out of her head, but could also explain a few other things: like maybe her propensity to attack people with a golf umbrella. Trust us on this one, Brit—rehab's great, but you might want to switch to diet decaf.