PARIS HILTON Honest!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 One Day readers? Hold on to your overly stylish hats constructed by a local, earth-friendly haberdasher. Paris Hilton told the truth about something! In a crazy, mind-bending turn of events, Paris appeared in court today and told the judge that she had lied to Vegas police officers when she was arrested a few weeks ago. Paris was caught with a baggy of blow in her purse, and claimed the handbag belonged to "a friend"—though as everyone knows, Paris has no friends (except those she purchases on Russian websites). This is probably why she ended up confessing to the judge that it was her purse, and so the coke charge was dropped in exchange for P.Hil's guilty plea to misdemeanor charges of drug possession and obstruction of an officer. However, Paris must stay out of legal trouble for a year, or face time in a Las Vegas jail. "You have to understand when you break the law here, there are consequences," Judge Obvious Judy said. "The Clark County Detention Center is not the Waldorf Astoria." Ummm... excuse us? Both have room service! MEANWHILE... Our little Lindsay Lohan also has a date with a judge this week, and could be in DEEP DOO-DOO for failing a recent drug test, thereby violating her parole. For her crimes against sobriety, LiLo could be sent back to the hoosegow as soon as Friday—and her allegedly drunken twatting isn't helping matters! Last Tuesday Lindsay confessed to backsliding via Twatter, twatting, "I'm taking responsibility for my actions and am prepared to face the consequences." But Us magazine reports that witnesses saw her constructing the twats with the help of her friends and assistant while knocking back Jack and Cokes (the liquid kind.) Ah-HAH! We knew something was up with that particular twat! Everything was spelled correctly and there were no "LOLs"!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 In yet another depressing turn of events, the Senate went belly up today trying to repeal the clearly homophobic "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that bars gays and lesbians from serving openly in the military. The bill hit an immovable wall of bullshit when every senate Republican (and a few Democrats) voted against the repeal, thereby killing it where it stood. And it should be noted that there wasn't a lot of help from the White House either. While President Obama is supposedly against DADT (being such a "fierce advocate" for gay rights and all), his Justice Department also asked a federal judge to keep the policy in place as it is—as an abrupt interruption in DADT could imperil "military readiness, cohesion, recruitment, retention and religious freedom." It could also interrupt their "discriminatory practices, and the continuing fight for everyone's freedom"—but we guess they forgot that part.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 Speaking of violating the freedom of the individual, guess who violated our right to see singer Katy Perry's jugs? Sesame Street! After numerous complaints from stick-in-the-mud parents when it was previewed on YouTube, Sesame Street has pulled a segment of Perry and that really annoying red puppet Elmo singing a toned-down version of her hit "Hot N Cold." Apparently Perry's low-cut, cleavage-bearing dress was too much for certain puritanical parents to bear—which is a shame because without the distraction of Katy's breasts, we're forced to focus on her singing, and... okay, maybe it's a good thing they took it down. Three cheers for censorship!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Today in "Uhhh... Gross!": Star magazine still insists that actor Ashton Kutcher has been screwing around on wifey Demi Moore—and supposedly has the sexy texts to prove it! Twenty-one-year-old Brittney "Of Course That's Her Name" Jones claims that she and Kutchie met at a bowling alley, and only hours later were suggestively texting each other things like "what are u wearing now?" (Umm... GROSS.) It finally culminated, according to Brittney, with "wild sex on the family couch," and the sexting allegedly went on for another month. Again? GROSS!! (Hmmm... we wonder if that's why our grandmother always covered her furniture in plastic. AHHH!! GROSS!!) MEANWHILE... It's certainly one thing to be dissed by a judge (see Monday), but when an entire country disses Paris Hilton? Well, that's just too much! According to TMZ, Paris tried to fly into Japan but was detained at the airport for hours and later ejected from the country for recently pleading guilty to the possession of drugs. (See where "honesty" gets you?) Says a huffy Paris publicist, "[Hilton] was delayed by immigration authorities... Paris was contractually bound to her business trip and didn't want to let down her brands and many Asian fans." (Note: Remember what we said about Paris not having any friends? She doesn't have any fans, either.)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 Well, that didn't last long. Lindsay Lohan is back in the pokey! "She was shocked when the judge remanded her into custody," reports TMZ, who also snapped pics as LiLo was handcuffed, covered in a blanket, and spirited away in a sheriff's car. Apparently, Linds' failing of a drug test last week (cocaine and Adderall, just in case you were wondering) rubbed Judge Elden Fox the wrong way, and he refused to grant LiLo bail. Now behind bars for the third time in three years, Lindsay could be in jail until October 22. Here's hoping that over the next 28 days, Linds learns something—that actions have consequences, that celebrities don't get special treatment, and that sometimes, there's just no way to avoid doing hard time.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Well, that didn't last long. Lindsay Lohan is back on the streets! (Presumably, she's cokin' and Adderallin' it up all over LA, giggling maniacally as she eggs and/or toilet papers Judge Elden Fox's house.) "Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail late on Friday night after spending around 15 hours behind bars," Reuters wearily reports. Judge Patricia Schnegg reversed Judge Fox's decision, noting that Lindsay should've been given bail; shortly thereafter, Lindsay's trusty bondsman David Perez put up the $300,000, and now LiLo's on the loose. Lock up your children and say off the roads, Los Angelinos! But don't think Linds totally got off the hook—remember that SCRAM bracelet she had to wear last time? The one that caught the light just so when she tipped back drink after drink? Well, she's wearing one again! "She hates that fucking thing," a friend tells TMZ. Awww.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Just to bring this week full circle: Today the not-so-cherished British tabloid News of the World published photos from 2007 featuring Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton canoodling (gasp!) and shooting heroin (zzzzz!). "The Hollywood hellraiser appears to play with the tip of the drugs needle—and then plays with heiress chum Paris," the News gushes. "The pair paw at each other before Paris straddles Lindsay and strokes her face. Lohan, revealing a bra strap and cleavage, then wraps her arms around the neck of Paris." For the record, Hubby Kip would like to make it known that he's "pretty open-minded when it comes to drugs and stuff, just in case Lindsay and Paris want to come over and celebrate Lindsay's freedom or whatever." MEANWHILE... The man who owns the Segway company died in a freak accident today... by driving his Segway off a cliff. Multimillionaire Jimi Heselden, 62, purchased the Segway company last December, went out for a Segway ride this morning, and then ended up at the bottom of a 30-foot cliff. A well-liked philanthropist, Heselden will, sadly, be remembered as the guy who bought a company that makes an incredibly stupid product, and also as the guy who died on an incredibly stupid product. For the record, Hubby Kip would like it to be known that he would "still totally ride a Segway." IN RELATED NEWS... After that comment he made about Paris and Lindsay, we're considering getting him one... provided he goes for a lot of rides near crumbling cliffs.