MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Don't let jaded (though cute) columnists like ourselves fool you—DRUG-ADDLED CELEBRITIES ARE NICE. Example: Lindsay Lohan, who skipped out of the slammer last week to re-re-enter rehab—this time at the famous Betty Ford alcohol and drug clinic. But before she sneakily slipped that hollowed-out toothbrush into her toiletry bag (shhh!), LiLo decided to remind us all that she's a decent person at heart by visiting with some homeless teens at LA's Dream Center shelter. Yesterday Lindy and crew passed out autographs and purses (!) while attempting to avoid the paparazzi (read: blatantly posing for pictures with homeless teens). Not to be outdone in the image-rehab department, and intent on showing the world that she's a decent person too, Paris Hilton—recently caught with coke in her clutch—ALSO decided to do something nice this week by teaching art to cancer kids at LA's Children's Hospital. "Went to Michael's Art Supply Store today, bought a lot of fun art projects," Hilton casually twatted on her gold-plated Twatter machine. "Going to The Children's Hospital this week to do art with them." NOT LIKE IT'S A BIG DEAL OR ANYTHING. Meanwhile, refusing to be topped by Lindsay and Paris, "Leukemia" used its personal Twatter account to twat the following message today: "Decided to stop killing children. Learning to bake sugar cookies instead. Yummers!"
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Speaking of being rehabbed, guess who's getting all normal and shit? Britney Spears, y'all! It's hard to believe, but she's been under the conservatorship of her hillbilly dad since... wait for it... February 2008! Can you believe it? Justin Bieber wasn't even born then! However, according to Radar Online, Brit's days in this invisible paternal prison may finally, finally, FINALLY be coming to an end. A source told the gossip site that Britney's conservatorship may be over in as little as three months—and you know what that means! Just about the time Lindsay emerges from Betty Ford clean as a whistle, old Britney will come roaring back: flashing her va-jay-jay, driving her kids around in the front seat of the car, being carted off to the psych ward, shaving her head, and destroying SUVs with a golf umbrella. And once again, balance will be restored to the universe.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Today in furious sadness: Yet another young man has taken his life after being bullied by homophobes. Following the suicides of Asher Brown (13), Seth Walsh (13), and Billy Lucas (15), Rutgers student Tyler Clementi apparently leapt to his death off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate Dharun Ravi and a conspirator (Molly Wei) secretly used webcams to broadcast Clementi having sex with another man. "[Clementi's] privacy was violated, very, very violated," said Rutgers student Daryl Chan. "His roommate was a very tech-savvy dude. He set up cameras all over the room and didn't tell him." Unsurprisingly, many are calling for the heads of these pranksters, as they represent the homophobia that's seemingly driving this recent spate of suicides—but it certainly didn't start with them. While not at all innocent, these two—and the rest of the schoolyard/workplace bullies who torture gay people on a daily basis—are the direct spawn of the Christine O'Donnells, the George Rekerses, the James Dobsons, the Pat Robertsons, and to a degree, even the Obama administration, who refuses to honor the civil rights of everyone. Want to stop the suicides? Stop being patient with those around you who hate-talk. When Clementi, Brown, Walsh, and Lucas took their own lives, too many people were looking the other way.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Lecture over! Unless you're Lindsay Lohan, of course. After being reminded of Britney Spears' continuing imprisonment under papa's watchful eye, LiLo's dad Michael Lohan (AKA the most terrible person on earth) got a bright idea: Lindy should be under conservatorship, too! TMZ reports that Michael has met with a lawyer and plans to file conservatorship papers "within days." On the upside, Michael claims he doesn't want to be the conservator—and reportedly has two other people in mind. Okayyyyy... let us guess: Could those "two other people" be his mustachioed cousin from Russia "Vladamir Lohan" and his previously unknown, but very unattractive and mannish sister "MaryAnn Lohan"? And why is it we never see these three in the same room together? Hmmmmm... MEANWHILE! To the surprise of absolutely no one, reality show losers Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have called off their sham divorce—probably after realizing everybody knows they're a couple of fame-seeking liars who never had any intention of getting divorced in the first place. In other words—SIGH! True love!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1 Well, it had to happen sometime, dears: Our days are numbered when it comes to writing One Day at a Time. Soon, you see, we'll have a shiny new job: Starring in Warner Bros.' upcoming television show Wonder Woman! True, the upcoming Wonder Woman show will be executive produced by David E. Kelley, the man culpable for Ally McBeal, Boston Legal and Public, and The Practice—and while we do make it a rule to avoid anyone even remotely connected with Ally McBeal, in this case, we'll make an exception. Because this is the part we were born to play. Go ahead. Try to name someone better. We'll wait. MEANWHILE... David E. Kelley, we await your call. In the meantime, we'll suppose we'll keep writing about vaguely depressing celebrities. (Hey, it pays the bills until our invisible plane arrives.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2 Speak of the devil! Us reports that the perpetually lonely, equine-visaged Jennifer Aniston has been voted the "most eligible single woman in the world" in a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll. Wait. What? Her competition included: "Halle Berry (21 percent); Elin Nordegren (15 percent); Betty White (11 percent); Lady Gaga (5 percent); and Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States Elena Kagan (4 percent)." Yes, this poll actually exists. And yes, it was voted on by people who watch Andy Rooney every week, which explains a lot. Still, congrats on your dubious prize, Jen!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3 Guess what? Here's some Lindsay Lohan news... but for some unknown reason, it's not in the least bit depressing! (God knows we could use some cheerier news after this bummer of a week.) FIRST! As we previously noted, Lindsay Lohan is currently in rehab at the Betty Ford Center... but that doesn't mean she can't make some money! "The scandalized star is planning a staged photo shoot documenting her healing that she will then sell to the highest bidder," says Popeater. Say what you will about Linds, but she's always got her eye on the prize, folks. Well, sometimes. Like now. Rehab is expensive, you guys! SECOND! "Inside the Betty Ford Center, Lindsay Lohan is taking the first real steps in her recovery by being forced to publicly say, 'Hi. I'm Lindsay, and I am an alcoholic and addict,'" reports Radar Online, who spoke with a former patient to get the lowdown on what LiLo's going through. (It's unknown if Linds has been adding on "And I'm also available for photo shoots!" to her daily admission.) THIRD! Today was the first day Lindsay Lohan was allowed visitors—so her room must've been crammed with friends and well-wishers, right? Nope: According to gossip site What Would Tyler Durden Do, "The only person who showed up was her personal assistant. In other words, her employee." Oh. Wait. Today was supposed to be all about NON-depressing Lindsay Lohan news. Ummmm... maybe the assistant was dressed as a pony?