SURI CRUISE Teacher's pet.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4 Believe it or not, some celebrities actually send their children to school. Madonna's kid Lourdes is currently enrolled in NYC's LaGuardia High School of Music and Art, while Suri Cruise, the offspring of Tom and Katie, attends Emperor Klaktu Intergalactic Scientology and Technology Elementary Institute in the Nebula Nine system where she's apparently majoring in "world domination" with a minor in "flux capacities." And today was also a huge day for the children of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, who tearfully scooted Shiloh, Pax, and Maddox off to school in... BUDAPEST?? Now we respect the wishes of any parent who wants to keep their children out of the limelight, but... BUDAPEST?? Perhaps it's best if we all just roll our eyes and wish Shiloh, Pax, and Maddox well in their continuing studies of goulash, gypsy fortunetellers, and vampirism. MEANWHILE... if you're a fan of "tawdry," you're gonna love this. According to Radar Online, accused cheater Ashton Kutcher and his long-in-the-tooth wifey Demi Moore allegedly have an "open relationship" and regularly engage in threesomes. (Ewww?) This slightly stomach-turning news arrives via 21-year-old Brittney Jones, who has also recently claimed to have engaged in a torrid affair with Ashton (sans Demi) and apparently possesses the sexy texts to prove it. "[Ashton] said they share women, but he isn't supposed to go off and sleep with women on his own," Brittney vacantly giggled. "He said Demi had to be there and that Demi likes to pick the girls out." In the spirit of full disclosure, Hubby Kip has approached us with a similar "threesome" deal. However, for some reason he balked when we chose his 67-year-old Aunt Emily. (Hey, don't judge until you see Aunt Emily in a pair of droopy knee-high hosiery! HAWT.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5 If you've been on Blogtown (blogtown.portlandmercury.com) or "the internet" lately, you've probably noticed Merc sex columnist Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project. In response to the horrible recent spate of teen suicides, tons of adult gays and lesbians have been sharing their stories on YouTube reminding these kids that it really does "get better." (Check 'em out at youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject.) And now celebrities are weighing in as well, including Project Runway's stylish mentor Tim Gunn, who posted his It Gets Better story today, wherein he recounts his tortured youth and suicide attempt. Obviously, things got better for him. It's harrowing, touching stuff and you should check it out. BUT MEANWHILE... We're not saying that straight gorgeous celebrities had it easier than their gay counterparts, but... okay, that's exactly what we're saying. However, they seem to think otherwise. According to People magazine, hot popular people like Jessica Alba, Eva Mendes, and Jessica Simpson were also "teased and tormented" when they were younger. Said Simpson, "[People] would throw toilet paper at my house or throw eggs at my door." Ohhh-kay. Dear gay kids of America: Don't worry—you probably won't turn out to be like Jessica Simpson.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6 Guys! Everybody stay away from Madonna today, because she is wicked pissed. Apparently that naughty internet got hold of some of her unretouched photos from a recent Dolce & Gabbana shoot, which depict her looking her age. "The superstar went super-crazy with anger," writes the Chicago Sun-Times. "And as a result there's an intense investigation underway to discover who was responsible for letting the world see the Material Mom looking so haggard." Wait... "haggard"? Look Chicago Sun-Times! Madonna doesn't look "haggard" in these photos, she just looks, well, 52—which is what she is. So we'd appreciate it if all you media misogynists would stop with the sexist, ageist labeling, and... AUGHH!! We didn't notice her hands! OH SWEET JESUS, THEY'RE HIDEOUS! Those hands look like they've been draped with three pounds of raw, plucked turkey skin! Our eyes! We need to wash out our eyes! And shut down the internet before anybody else sees those horrible, horrible HANDS!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7 Today TMZ is reporting that talk show host Chelsea Handler and rapper 50 Cent are canoodling! The gossip site caught the pair snuggling up at the Blue Nile jazz bar in New Orleans, "getting very hot and heavy with each other." However, Ms. Handler pooh-poohed the rumors on her personal pooh-pooh machine, Twatter. "Everyone, calm down," Handler twatted to an unknown audience who was already calm, and most likely not giving a shit either way. "I met with Mr. Cent about a potential project. There's nothing to report yet, I'll let you know if there is." Yes, by all means! Because we have nothing else to concern ourselves with other than whether or not you're dating ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8 Just in case you had any doubts that we're currently living in a dystopian future, the likes of which would drive George Orwell more insane than Paula Abdul, here are two more pieces of terrifying evidence that everything is falling apart. FIRST. A lethal flood of toxic red sludge cascaded through Hungary this week, killing eight, injuring hundreds, and destroying three villages. The sludge—which the New York Times notes was "a byproduct of the conversion of bauxite to alumina, for aluminum"—broke free of a containing reservoir. The negligent managing director of the company who made the stuff has been arrested—but can we all agree this doesn't bode well for humanity's hope of living on a planet that isn't a post-apocalyptic wasteland? SECOND. Google is making cars that drive themselves! Back to the Times, which notes that the Google dweebs have first been outfitting Toyota Priuses with "artificial-intelligence software that can sense anything near the car and mimic the decisions made by a human driver," and then turning them loose on the streets of California. So far there have been no accidents—but can we all agree that this doesn't bode well for humanity's hope of living on a planet that isn't ruled by terminator Priuses?

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9 Congrats, Huffington Post, on a truly excellent headline: "Daniel Radcliffe Looks Forward to Sex with Broadway Dancers." Predictably enough, the story that follows is about Radcliffe anticipating the porking of future coworkers in Broadway's How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. "I've been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I'm single," Radcliffe told a UK magazine. "I said to a friend the other day, 'Dude, I'm doing a show with dancers. I've got to be single.' He was like, 'Don't sleep with anyone in your own show. That's a mistake.' It's good advice. But I'm not sure I'll stick to it." Consider yourself warned, Broadway dancers! Sounds like whether you want it or not, young Harry Potter's wand is about to be waved in your direction. In the most magical way possible, of course.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10 Johnny Depp, currently in London filming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, recently got the following letter from nine-year-old British Pirates fan Beatrice Delap: "Captain Jack Sparrow, at Meridian Primary School, we are a bunch of budding young pirates. Normally we're a right handful, but we're having a bit of trouble mutiny-ing against the teachers! We'd love it if you could come and help," Beatrice wrote. Lo and behold, Depp—in full Sparrow attire and character, and with a police escort—arrived at Meridian Primary School shortly thereafter, where he assembled his young devotees and talked them out of their planned uprising. Beatrice said to the Daily Mail, "He gave me a hug and he said, 'Maybe we shouldn't mutiny today 'cos there are police outside monitoring me.'" All together now: Awwww. We know Hollyweird's mostly just a cesspit of narcissism, waste, and desperate has-beens, but whenever something like this happens, we're glad it exists. Johnny Depp, you're worth 1,000 Lindsay Lohans. (Also, can you please visit our house? We'll make it worth your while.)