LINDSAY LOHAN Coke fiend?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11 "Love" has feelings, too! In fact, "love" is so tired of having its name dragged through the mud—especially by the celebs of Tinselturd—that it's asking for a trial separation! Today "love" gave the heave-ho to two of Hollyweird's finest: Courteney Cox and Christina Aguilera. And since Christina is the less interesting of the two, let's get her out of the way immediately. Christina is divorcing music executive Jordan Bratman for reasons too boring to repeat here. On the other hand, Courteney Cox—of Friends, and the cringingly named Cougar Town—is getting a "trial separation" from loser hubby David Arquette, best known for... for... somebody help us out here. For being Patricia Arquette's brother? Anyway, on to their uninformative joint statement: "We [Court and Dave] remain best friends and responsible parents to our daughter and we still love each other deeply." Look, tools! You do NOT "love each other deeply" so quit throwing that word around! If "love" needs it, we will happily help her file a restraining order. MEANWHILE... Lindsay Lohan is learning that the Betty Ford Center is a great place to "think"—and do you know what she's discovered? That her former drunken, coke-addled, underpantsless behavior can all be blamed on her daddy. TMZ reports that Lindsay has been spilling the beans about her alcoholic disintegration to rehab counselors and pointing the finger at her allegedly abusive father, whom she claims would hit her mother, and occasionally wind up in jail. Naturally, Papa Michael Lohan denies the allegations of abuse—though even he would have to admit he's a major dick. And while it's totes fun to blame daddy for all our problems (WE HATE YOU, DADDY! HATE YOU, HATE YOU, HATE YOU!!), we're pretty sure "going out in public sans panties" is not a dominant gene.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12 Note to Hubby Kip: If we ever decide to "take a break" from our relationship, please do not turn around, smoke a huge doobie, and then spill your guts on the Howard Stern radio show. Because that is EXACTLY what that idiot David Arquette did. Admitting he had "set his clock to 4:20" for the interview (ummm... DRUG REFERENCE!), Davey went on to tell Stern and America that he was "heartbroken" over his split with Courteney Cox, and "begging her to get back with me." OH—if he had only shut up there... but of course, he didn't. Dave went on to describe their marital woes, claiming that the two had skipped sex for four months, and before that, their lovemaking was "methodical to a certain degree." OUCH. Dave also admitted to having "sex with a girl once... maybe twice." [Bookmark this lie for later.] So how is Dave attempting to woo Courteney back into his flabby arms? This is what he told Howard Stern: "I'm like, 'Baby, you're the greatest girl in the world. I'm the greatest guy in the world. We have to stay together!'" Confidential to Hubby Kip: If you ever get this stupid, forget the divorce. We're having you committed.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13 Well, surprise, surprise, surprise! For some weird reason, lumpy loser David Arquette took to his Twatter account today to APOLOGIZE for dishing the dirt on his relationship with Courteney Cox on The Howard Stern Show. "[I intended] to provide clarity and honesty about what I'm experiencing, but while doing that I shared too much," twatted an obviously vaheena-whipped Davey. "For that I am sorry and humbled. Life is a process of spiritual evolution." Umm... ohhh-kay. Thanks, Dalai Lama. Anyway, remember that "girl" that Dave admitted to having sex with "once... maybe twice"? Turns out that gal is no other than Hollywood trollop/cocktail waitress Jasmine Waltz, who not only bedded Ryan Seacrest, Star Trek's Chris Pine, and pop star Jesse McCartney, but she's also famous for bitch-slapping Lindsay Lohan in the mouth! And Jasmine told TMZ that she and David had sex "multiple times" over the course of a month. So remember folks, as Davey poetically put it, "Life is a process of spiritual evolution—so always wear a condom to avoid the herp."

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14 Today in Lindsay Lohan did not do this, but we wish she had: Lindsay and a pal did not break out of the Betty Ford Clinic to sneak into a nearby medical center to buy a Coke out of a vending machine, and her pal did not get her sweater caught on the fence (like in The Great Escape) and they did not eventually have to flag down a volunteer in a golf cart to rescue them. Again, this did NOT happen, though RadarOnline said it did. Wishful thinking, we guess. Confidential to other gossip columnists: We don't have to make up stuff, guys! Give her time! Has Lindsay ever let us down before?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15 "Listen to me, because you'll learn," Fox News' Bill O'Reilly sneered at the ladies of The View this morning. Appearing to promote his latest book (subtly titled Pinheads and Patriots: Where You Stand in the Age of Obama), O'Reilly went off on several topics, including blanket racist statements like, "Muslims killed us on 9/11." To their credit, the usually annoying Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar walked out of the studio in protest, leaving O'Reilly to ramble on to a confused Barbara Walters (who wondered, to no one in particular, why we can't all be nicer to each other, and also when Matlock was on) and The View's token right-winger, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who sat there like a deer in headlights, clearly confused about... well, everything. In a related story... The ladies of The View have somehow suckered us into watching their stultifying show again!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16 Gossipmonger Perez Hilton is gonna clean up his act, you guys! The blogger—who's famous for coming up with not-so-clever names for celebrities (like Jennifer Aniston, AKA "Maniston," or Sienna Miller, AKA "Sluttienna") and drawing penises and semen over photographs of celebs—has vowed to replace his meanness with "sassy" and to stop outing gay celebs (as he did 4,000 years ago with Lance Bass). While Perez—who's gay himself—claims his change of heart is due to the recent publicity given to homophobic bullying, we're thinking it's more likely a publicity stunt, and he'll be back to drawing dicks on celebs' faces in no time at all. We all have our talents, dear. MEANWHILE... Everyone's favorite drunken anti-Semite, Mel Gibson, is also trying to turn over a new leaf! Word in Hollyweird is that Mel will cameo in The Hangover 2 as a "Bangkok tattooist." Is it too much to ask that he leaves furious voicemails for Bradley Cooper, or demands oral sex from Zack Galifianakis?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17 "A lot of times my wife and I sit across from each other and tweet," says Ashton Kutcher. "It's the same reason you send roses to a woman at work. Sometimes people like to be adored in public." In related news, if someone can cut the internet cable that runs to Kelso's house, we'd consider it a personal favor. Thanks! MEANWHILE... RadarOnline.com reports that "Kanye West has been embarrassingly caught with his pants down in a nude photo scandal"! Featuring "the singer's genitals provocatively exposed from his boxer briefs," the photos have been sent to "many, many women," claims a source. Interestingly, Kanye recently said in a recent interview he'd like to pose naked, saying, "It's like Björk. If she ever wanted to pose naked, you'd be like, 'Oh, that's Björk.'" (That's right, Kanye! That's exactly how we'd be!) "But if I wanted to pose naked, people would draw all type of things into it." Or onto it, as the case may be. Quick, Kanye! Release the photos before Perez can start up Photoshop again!