MONDAY, APRIL 2 It's the end of an era. Britney Spears and former-layabout-now-man-of-the-year K.Fed reached a divorce settlement this weekend. Or to be more emotionally stark, the two "signed a global settlement on all issues of their marriage," according to spokesman Michael Sands. "Global settlement"? We don't remember anyone asking for our opinion. Anyhoo, the five-hour meeting ended with Kevin holding the poopy end of the stick; according to TMZ.com, while the Cheetos-chomping pseudo rapper will receive joint custody of his two sons, K.Fed will have to purchase their Legos with a paltry $1 million in take-home pay. And the weirdest part? We're actually starting to feel sorry for the guy! A million dollars is okay, we guess—but he'll blow through it in three months, and then? He'll actually be forced to work for a living! Sadly, the next time you'll see Kevin's name mentioned in this column will be when he's eventually arrested for disturbing the peace in a trailer park. (BTW, we hear the parking spot next to Tonya Harding's is vacant.) MEANWHILE... Why worry about the ex, when you can move on to the next? Lest we fear that Britney may actually take some time alone to get her shit together, she's reportedly already moved on to a new rehab romance. This time it's with acoustic rocker Howie Day, who Britney met while confined in the Promises Treatment Center, and now claims, "[He] is the best kisser ever." (What is this place? A summer camp??) Anyway, hello, Howie... why don't you sit down and tell us a little about yourself and your intentions for Britney? Your police record seems to indicate that you enjoy being locked up for harassing flight attendants (for which you're currently on probation), and in 2004 you were arrested for "locking a woman in the bathroom of a tour bus after she refused [your] sexual advances." Hmmm... well, while we'll miss Kevin, at least you show some initiative. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.
TUESDAY, APRIL 3 You know it's a slow gossip week when the Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards is the topic—but you gotta admit, this one is juicy. In an interview with Britain's NME, Keith told the magazine he had combined his dead father's ashes with a line of cocaine and snorted them up his incredibly wrinkled nose. Naturally, everyone from Reuters to the Drudge Report reported on the incident—though no one bothered to check on the veracity of the statement. Turns out Keith was only joking (BOOOOO!), that he actually loved his dad dearly (BOOOOO!), and used his ashes to fertilize an oak tree (BOOOOO!). "I can't believe anyone took [my joke] seriously," the world's most famous ex-drug addict mumbled. With your background, Keith? We wouldn't be surprised if you snorted up all the victims of 9/11.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4 It was widely reported today that 30-year-old Lorelei Corpuz of Everett, WA was arrested this past weekend for disguising herself as a teenage boy and sexually molesting a 14-year-old girl who believed Corpuz was her boyfriend. WOW! Does this role have Hilary Swank written all over it, or what? Corpuz went by the name of "Mark," and after meeting the 14-year-old in a mall back in 2005, the two began dating, and eventually, Corpuz moved in with the girl and her parents. (No, this is not a story made up by Keith Richards.) Apparently "Mark" had told the family "he" was an orphan, winning "his" way into their home and daughter's pants. Eventually, the relationship became abusive with the girl claiming that she was hit/bitten by Corpuz on a weekly basis. When Corpuz was finally arrested on an unrelated matter, "the family was very surprised to learn that this female who had presented herself as a juvenile male was in fact an adult woman," Everett Police Sgt. Robert Goetz said. NOW HOLD ON. Before you start judging this poor, stupid family (or the daughter's inability to tell a penis from a vagina), try to remember one thing: Hilary Swank is a very good actress, and she will make this role very believable.
THURSDAY, APRIL 5 Today hunky dreamboat George Clooney visited a kids' lemonade stand and tipped them $20 for a 25-cent glass of lemonade. Unfortunately, the kids in question were not pleased. "Totally not cool, George," said six-year-old lemonade stand proprietor Chandler Fontaine. "It's generally accepted that an adult patronizing a child's lemonade stand should always leave a tip that is in direct correlation to the year's prior earnings. For example, someone who currently has $2,000 in their bank account might leave a tip of $1. However, George Clooney is estimated to have made $13 million for Ocean's 13—which means you owe me $500, prick."
FRIDAY, APRIL 6 Okay, we've got some bad news. Are you ready? Okay. Here we go: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. According to the LA Times, a global warming report released today by the United Nations "paints a near-apocalyptic vision of the Earth's future if temperatures continue to rise unabated: hundreds of millions of people short of water, extreme food shortages in Africa, a landscape ravaged by fires and floods, and millions of species sentenced to extinction." To recap: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Now for some survival tips from Stephen Schneider of Stanford University! "Don't be poor in a hot country, don't live in hurricane alley, watch out about being on the coasts or in the Arctic, and it's a bad idea to be on a high mountain." Okay... so maybe if we take those precautions... no, wait. WE'RE ALL STILL GOING TO DIE. Meanwhile, Jim Connaughton, of the White House Council on Environmental Quality, pretended he couldn't hear the screams of thousands of terrified scientists, instead insisting that, "Each nation sort of defines their regulatory objectives in different ways to achieve the greenhouse reduction outcome they seek." In other words: WE'RE ALL GOING TO... oh, you know how it goes.
SATURDAY, APRIL 7 "Now is the time to break the biggest glass ceiling in the land," presidential wannabe Hillary Clinton said last week after being endorsed by the National Organization for Women's political action committee. Clinton is apparently running a campaign in part based on her gender—which means we can expect to start seeing "Hillary in '08" product placement in various Lifetime made-for-TV movies, as well as bumper stickers on the back of minivans. (Can she use the pink breast cancer ribbons if you girls are done with it?) MEANWHILE... Republicans are in trouble. Turns out no one likes any of the Republican candidates for president, and despite candidates like Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, and John McCain, the Associated Press reports that not a single one is the front-runner for the GOP ticket. MEANWHILE... President Bush is on vacation, and today logged the 409th day of his presidency that's been spent at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. MEANWHILE... WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
SUNDAY, APRIL 8 Happy Easter! Umm... for most of us, anyway. Not so much for conservatives. (See above.) But hold on, maybe the most conservative person on the planet, the Pope, will have something to say to cheer them up! Er... no. According to the Associated Press: "Pope Benedict XVI decried suffering in much of the world in his Easter message, lamenting that 'nothing positive' is happening in Iraq and voicing worry over Afghanistan and bloodshed in Africa and Asia." Sorry to get your hopes up, Republicans. Well, at least there's always the Easter Bunny, and... oh. As it turns out, he doesn't exist, and even if he did, he'd hate you too. Give back that Cadbury Egg.