MONDAY, APRIL 9 We don't wish bad things upon anyone. Really we don't. Okay, fine... we do. Especially when the bad things happen to the crown prince of all douchebags, Joe Francis, the entrepreneur/pimp behind every parent's nightmare, Girls Gone Wild. For the uninitiated, GGW is a documentary/social experiment of sorts, in which Francis convinces young women to expose their breasts in front of his cameras in exchange for a T-shirt or baseball cap. Back in our day, we wouldn't dream of whipping out our fun-bags unless six shots of Jäger were on the table. (Sigh. Kids today... no self-respect.) Anyway, some small measure of justice occurred today when Francis was arrested and jailed for criminal contempt (seven women were suing him for profiting off their underage boobies, causing him to scream obscenities during a legal deposition). BUT THE WEEK JUST KEPT GETTING BETTER. While in jail, Francis was then brought up on charges of tax evasion, accused of claiming $20 million in fake business expenses. If convicted he could be fined $500,000 and spend 10 years in jail. And yet? It STILL GETS BETTER. While sitting around in his cell, Francis pulled the douchebaggy move of bribing his guard, offering $100 for a bottle of water. This led to a search of his cell, which turned up a secret stash of prescription medication—another prison no-no! So now we can add bribing a public servant, three counts of possessing a controlled substance, and five counts of introducing contraband into a detention facility to his list of charges, which could tack on an extra five years in the slammer. Now for the icing on the cake: After learning of the new charges, Francis was led from the federal courtroom in tears, wailing, "I didn't do anything!" Oh yes, you did, Joe. You brightened our day. (Say hello to all those hunky shirtless guys in prison. They're gonna go simply "wild" over you.)
TUESDAY, APRIL 10 For some reason this next story reminds me of Baby Jessica, the Texas toddler who, back in 1987, fell down a well, and captured the sympathy of the nation. Today a Bahamian court announced that we finally have a biological father for Baby Dannielynn (the daughter of the late Anna Nicole Smith) and the daddy is... Larry Birkhead! (Otherwise known as "Who?") The paternity case—which also involved Anna's longtime companion/lawyer Howard K. Stern, and others too numerous to mention—had a lot of money riding on it, since Dannielynn is the potential heir to billions of bucks from Anna Nicole's former billionaire hubby. After the announcement was made, Birkhead couldn't resist saying to reporters, "I hate to be the one to tell you this but... I told you so." Fine, Larry, you win. Your sperm is super potent, thereby impregnating someone who slept with a million other guys. You should really be proud. (Can someone please rescue Dannielynn from this metaphorical well, please?)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11 Good news, bad news, and icky news. Which do you want first? Okay, the bad news: author Kurt Vonnegut is dead. The author of such classic tomes as Breakfast of Champions and Slaughterhouse-Five passed away today after suffering from brain injuries incurred from a recent fall. The good news? Lindsay Lohan is NOT dating Kevin Federline—no matter what the tabs say. Not that anyone would ever believe such a ridiculous tale, and yet, there it was in the National Enquirer. Highly unreliable sources told the tab, "Kevin and Lindsay are dating, and Lindsay made the first move." Umm... BULLSHIT. Say what you want about Lindsay (and we often do), while crowing all you want about K.Fed's new rep as "father of the year." He's still KEVIN FEDERLINE, and while Lindsay might occasionally forget her panties, she'll never forget that he was complicit in destroying Britney's career. SO THERE. And speaking of Britney, here's the icky news: According to a "blind item" in the New York Daily News, "Which pop tart is attending basketball games, according to NBA gossip, owing to a crush on a player with a history of sexual assault accusations?" Well, the pop tart is obviously Brit—but the date-raping NBA player? Couldn't that be half the Lakers? Anyway... ICK!
THURSDAY, APRIL 12 Thanks to the glories of the internet, not only can our hubby Kip surf porn sites while we're getting a mani-pedi at the salon (we checked your history, dumbass), famous celebrities can now be exposed for being the racist idiots they are. Talk radio host Don Imus really stuck his foot in it when he called members of Rutgers University Women's Basketball team "nappy-headed hos" on his syndicated show of April 4. The incident has since sparked national outrage, and even though Imus made a public apology for his ridiculously stupid comments, today he was dismissed from his gig at CBS radio. So what's next? We would assume a rehab of some sort, where he, Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, and Isaiah Washington can form a pseudo-Justice League that will battle the oppression of all minorities. (No, Ann Coulter has to apologize before she can be invited.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 13 As it turns out, having sex with choirboys—while undoubtedly fun—really isn't worth it. The Portland chapter of the Roman Catholic Church made national headlines today, when they announced a $75 million settlement plan to pay off victims of alleged sexual abuse, suffered at the grabby hands of local priests. The archdiocese was forced to file for bankruptcy in 2004, after a whopping 175 people filed sex abuse claims. (That's a lot of communion!) As it turns out, $52 million will come from the insurance company, and a $40 million credit line will pay the rest, leaving almost $20 million in excess to pay off future claims. Hear that parents of kids who attend Catholic school? Meet your new college fund!
SATURDAY, APRIL 14 Oh, and speaking of teens having sex, here's a reminder for the Bush administration and all those Christian conservatives: ABSTINENCE EDUCATION DOESN'T WORK. According to a US government report issued today, abstinence-only educational programs have failed to stop kids from doing their dirty deeds. Students who took the classes (as well as those who didn't) were surveyed, and yet the reported mean age for their first experience in sexual intercourse was an identical 14.9 years old. The lesson here? Don't let your kids out of the house two months before their 15th birthday.
SUNDAY, APRIL 15 Oh, we do love our royal gossip, and here's a juicy tidbit from Buckingham Palace: the heir to the throne, Prince William, has broken up with his long-time girlfriend Kate Middleton. HUZZAH! Though it may put Kate in a bit of a spot, applications are now being taken for Willy's new gal-pal, who could eventually join the Prince when he ascends to the throne. And according to MTV.co.uk, our own Britney Spears is a distinct possibility! Apparently the two exchanged many an email back in 2002, leading British bookies to wager that Brit has a 20-1 shot at becoming the next QUEEN OF ENGLAND. EEEEEEEE! Isn't that too exciting? Weirdly, Kylie Minogue is also in the running (14-1), as well as Paris Hilton (also 14-1), but we're putting our money on Brit. As we all know, British people love umbrellas, and so does Britney. (As long as it's used for bashing SUVs.) Pip-pip, and cheerio!