MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8 In a disappointing turn of events, Lindsay Lohan seems to be getting better. And while this may be a very good thing for her—everyone needs to acknowledge that it makes our job a little harder. Here's an example: LiLo's mom Dina Lohan went on The Today Show to give a status report on the beleaguered actress, and claimed that Lindsay is "happy, relaxed" and undergoing a "life-changing experience." While this may be great for her, it is also categorically BORING—in fact, it's so BORING it makes us want to drink three bottles of Grey Goose, snort 12 lines of cocaine, and flash our vaheena at the paparazzi. (Somebody needs to be holding up their end of the bargain!) In fact, the only good news to come out of this interview was that Lindsay is planning to start her own line of rehab centers. "[Lindsay] wants to start her own facilities, help other children," Mama Lohan said. Oh, and we know just what she can call it: The Lindsay Boring Lohan Boring Center for Boring Boredom and Advanced ZZZZZZZZZZZs. IN OTHER BORING NEWS... Just when you thought this story couldn't get any worse, Lindsay is reportedly reuniting with her father, Michael Lohan! Yes, the same father who spent the last two years shit-talking Lindsay, slagging her relationship with Samantha Ronson, and narc'ing her out to the LAPD. And now? According to Radar Online, the two have been reunited: "There were hugs, kisses, and even a few tears... the pair spent hours together... and even went shopping at a local Palm Desert mall." STOP IT! STOP IT! Please... at least tell us she shoved some jewelry down her underpants. We just want our Lindsay back!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9 At least we'll always have Kanye West! Today the ever-sensitive rap star had a Twatter freakout after an interview with Matt Lauer on The Today Show. Lauer grilled Kanye about his post-Katrina "George Bush doesn't care about black people" comment as well as the time he interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the Video Music Awards. This did not make Kanye very happy, and soooo... to the Twatter machine! "HE TRIED TO FORCE MY ANSWERS," Kanye screamed in all caps. "IT WAS VERY BRUTAL AND I CAME THERE WITH ONLY POSITIVE INTENT." Later, he was sad: "I feel very alone very used very tortured very forced very misunderstood very hollow very very misused." And later? Mad again! "I can't be everybody's hero and villain savior and sinner Christian and anti Christ!" Then? Kinda crazy! "Everything sounds like noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING SOUNDS LIKE NOISE!!!!!!!" And eventually, kind of a mélange of mad, sad, crazy, and paranoid. "I wish Michael Jackson had twitter!!!!!! Maybe Mike could have explained how the media tried to set him up!!! It's all a fucking set up!!!!" IN A RELATED STORY: God, we love Twatter.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Matt Lauer has been at it again, making crazy people say crazy things. As you might remember from last week's One Day, Lauer recently interviewed former President George W. Bush about the time his mother had a miscarriage... and showed the teenage Bush the fetus... in a jar. All together now: EWW! But unlike, say, a fetus in a jar, this story just won't die! "She says to [me], 'Here's a fetus,'" Bush told Lauer. "The purpose of this story was really to show how my mom and I developed a relationship." Ummmm... two things: (1) EWW!! And (2) eternal thanks to our mom for choosing to bond with us via shoe shopping instead of a fetus in a jar.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Today mean Matt Lauer continued to poke crazy people with a stick—and in particular, crazy Kanye West. Responding to Kanye's manic twatters from Tuesday, Lauer went on the defensive, claiming there was nothing untoward about the interview, and he was looking forward to the rapper performing on an upcoming show. We're thrilled to report that Kanye responded to Matt's response... via TWATTER! "I'm not performing on the Today Show for obvious reasons," Kanye angrily twatted before launching into the following self-righteous rant: "Do you guys see what I'm saying now...this is just a small slice of the day to day bullshit that goes on that helps to precipitate...the idea that I such an asshole...cause when I don't perform oh noooow I'm the one that's crazy or a jerk!" But don't think for a second Kanye's complaining... oh noooow! Because he's not! "Right now I'm not complaining. I'm tweeting because I'm so happy you guys got to see this shit really go down!!!!:)))))))!!!! FINALLY!!! And I don't hate Matt Lauer...We don't promote hate. That's the whole point!!! I promote love and truth!" Yay! Kanye's happy! (And as for you, Matt Lauer... DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.)
FRIDAY NOVEMBER 12 As you joyously recall, Mel Gibson was recently fired from The Hangover 2, after clueless director Todd Phillips realized not everyone was okay with his brilliant idea to offer a cameo to a drunken, racist, abusive anti-Semite. Unfortunately, Gibson's firing left a hole in the film's cast—but fortunately, someone stepped in to fill Crazy Ol' Mel's liquor-soaked shoes! That person? None other than Bill Clinton. This weekend, TMZ reported that the former prez swung by the Thailand set of The Hangover sequel, where he "did some serious work... on the craft service table." Ha! Oh, TMZ. But no, really: "Although some people associated with the flick have told us Bill just 'hung out,' we've now confirmed he did indeed shoot a cameo," TMZ noted. So there you have it: While his wife, the secretary of state, is working hard to keep Israel and Palestine from starting World War III and killing each and every one of us in a lethal nuclear winter, Bill—the former leader of the free world—is clowning around with Zach Galifianakis in Thailand. This is your legacy, Bill. Wear it proudly.
SATURDAY NOVEMBER 13 Less than two weeks after her ex, Nick Lachey (it rhymes with "douche-ay"), got engaged to someone no one cares about, former celebrity Jessica Simpson has hastily announced her own engagement, which obviously has nothing whatsoever to do with Nick's! Today "a delighted Jessica Simpson flaunted her new engagement ring at a department store appearance in Kansas City," reports the Daily Mail. "The singer, who was promoting her clothing line, was wearing the... sparkler—and a very big grin—as she signed autographs for fans at Dillard's." Simpson's lucky beau, in case you're wondering, is football player Eric Johnson. Simpson's placement on the Depressing-O-Meter, in case you're wondering, is climbing at an astronomical rate. As Simpson closes the rapidly narrowing gap betwixt herself and the equine-faced Jennifer Aniston, we can't help but weigh in with a bit of cheering: Gallop faster, Jen! This is one race you don't want to lose! Unlike how you lost Brad Pitt. (Oof. Should we be less critical and more encouraging? Maybe dangle a carrot in front of her or something?)
SUNDAY NOVEMBER 14 Former Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach was arrested this weekend for... well, it's kind of a list. After getting loaded at a bar in Ontario, Canada, Bach got into a "dispute" with the bar's owner, according to TMZ. Bach was asked to leave, at which point he attempted to take his glass of wine with him. When he was told he couldn't, he threw the wine at the door, then bit the bar owner's hand; shortly thereafter, when police (we assume they were Mounties) arrived, they found "nearly two grams of weed on Bach's person." "Okay, so yeah, this whole thing is totally embarrassing," Bach admitted, dabbing at a Franzia stain on his T-shirt. "But hey—no matter how bad things get, at least I'm not signing autographs at the Kansas City Dillard's, right?"