SPIDEY So embarrassed!

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Though we've spoken ill of disgusting Charlie Sheen in the past, he has proven to be an endless fount of juicy celebrity gab! As you undoubtedly recall, Charlie was mixed up in a minor "coke-fueled hotel rampage" last month which allegedly included trashing his room and trapping a terrified hooker/porn star Capri Anderson in the closet. Today the hooker/porn star went on Good Morning America (who knew they woke up so early?) to give a more detailed account of the incident. "He was very loud and had no hesitations when it came to using derogatory language or cuss words," said the surprisingly easily offended Anderson. She went on to accuse him of tossing a lamp, "snorting a white powder" and "putting his hands around my neck." Unbelievably, she neglected to mention the other victim that night—namely her Prada purse! The day after the rampage, according to TMZ, Capri fired off a text to a hungover Sheen that read, "u trashed my brand new prada purse dude not cool—how u managed to rip the strap off and put 2 holes in it is beyond me." Charlie responded somewhat reassuringly, "I promise u kind lady, all will be restored and set straight." SIGH! He's like the Sir Lancelot of douchebags! (Incidentally, by "setting things straight" Charlie actually meant, "filing a lawsuit today against Capri, accusing her of extortion and prostitution." Our advice? That poor Prada bag should go to court, too—and file for emancipation.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Okay, everybody, breathe a sigh of relief—and no, we're not talking about North and South Korea's break from their eventual nuclear holocaust—the Dancing with the Stars finale took place tonight... and Bristol Palin didn't win! The absolutely hideous mirrored ball trophy went to Dirty Dancing star Jennifer Grey—whose nose is sorely missed, BTW—leaving poor Bristol in third place, and a nation of Tea Partiers wondering what happened to their grand conspiracy. As for Bristol, she unsurprisingly thanked a nonexistent "God" for taking time out of His busy schedule of not ruling the universe to oversee her performance on Dancing with the Stars. "It is faith that got me through this and just praying all the time and just relying on God and knowing that He is on our side and we'll get through this," the club-footed hoofer told People magazine. IN A RELATED STORY: God exists, and will compete in next season's Dancing with the Stars. He also wanted to point out that He hates Bristol Palin, He's not on anyone's side, and He's totally gonna kick some ass in the samba.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24 While the threat of protests during the busiest flying day of the year turned out to be largely just that, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) were legitimately worried today after a week of absolutely horrible press. As you know, passengers who decide to forego potential cancer-causing body scanners are often forced to endure (or "enjoy" depending on what kind of person you are) genital-grabbing pat-downs from TSA officials. In one instance, a 61-year-old retired special-ed teacher accused a Detroit TSA agent of patting him down so hard, his urostomy bag squirted urine all over the poor man's clothing. (On the upside, we weren't assigned to sit next to him.) Meanwhile, in a video that's been racing around the internet this week, a shirtless pre-pubescent boy is being shockingly groped by a TSA agent. In response, a number of Catholic priests have submitted their outrage (along with applications to become TSA agents).

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! So what are Hollyweird's most celebby celebrit-ies thankful for? Lindsay Lohan is thankful for being temporarily released from rehab to spend time with her family, and frantically search the medicine cabinet for any illegal prescription medications. (Honestly, at this point? Even stool softener would do!) Divorced horndog Tiger Woods is celebrating by adding a grotto-style pool—just like the one at the Playboy mansion—to his Florida mansion, and can't wait to fill it with whores. Did we say whores? We meant whores and water. Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie says she refuses to celebrate Thanksgiving, because it's a "story of murder," and because she's a bitch. And hot new couple Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift celebrated their first holiday together by making goo-goo eyes and sipping maple lattes in a trendy Brooklyn coffee shop. We're just thankful we hate these two people so much.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26 PANIC!!! THERE'S BEEN A TERRORIST ATTACK IN PORTLAND!!! Well, sort of. Okay, kind of. Fine. Not realy. At all. Still, at tonight's Christmas tree-lighting ceremony at Pioneer Courthouse Square—attended by an estimated 10,000 people—19-year-old Moha-med Osman Mohamud, a Somali-born engineering student, attempted to detonate a car bomb. The only holdup? There was no car bomb, and the whole thing was an FBI sting operation. Mohamud—who grew up in a nearby suburb and picked Oregon as a target because people "don't see it as a place where anything will happen"—had been planning the attack with undercover agents since last July. While Mohamud's chilling intentions were never in question ("I want whoever is attending that event to leave, to leave either dead or injured," he told an agent), it's unknown how much the teenager could've accomplished if he hadn't had his hand held by the FBI. From assembling the fake bomb to giving Mohamud the phone and the number to call in order to "explode" the "bomb," the FBI were key facilitators. Or sure, why not, maybe they were heroes. "A smart federal, state, and local law enforcement investigation caught a criminal tonight bent on mass destruction and murder in our city," Mayor Sam Adams said in a statement. "The bomb was fake, but the criminal who tried to detonate it was real." Or at least a criminal who wasn't a criminal just yet. Sooo... thanks FBI?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Today in news that will surprise no one: Willie Nelson was arrested in Texas for possessing six ounces of marijuana. The AP reports that when Nelson's tour bus pulled into a border patrol checkpoint last night, "an officer smelled marijuana when a door was opened." The 77-year-old Nelson was booked on a $2,500 bond and released. At this time, the FBI's involvement in Nelson's procurement of the marijuana—and his chilling plans to smoke it—are unknown.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Finally, an actual disaster: The long-delayed, $65-million, Julie Taymor-directed, U2-scored Broadway extravaganza Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark had its first public performance this evening! After starting late, the show was stopped five times, including when "Spider-Man got stuck in midair and swung back and forth over the crowd as three stagehands leaped up and down futilely trying to grab onto one of his feet," according to the New York Post. In addition to Spidey awkwardly hanging above his snickering audience, sets were missing pieces, act- ors flubbed entrances, broken equipment rained down on the crowd, an actress was stuck in midair for six minutes, the poor bastard playing the Green Goblin "improvised" a musical number, and intermission lasted over 30 minutes—meaning the fiasco clocked in at almost four hours. "I know, guys, I know," a resigned stage manager said over the PA system at one point, vainly trying to calm an angry audience of weeping fanboys and naïve rich people, some of whom had paid almost $300 for their tickets. "I beg your patience." MEANWHILE... In other news regarding four-hour-long debacles, James Franco and Anne Hathaway will host the 2011 Oscars, an event where the two of them hanging awkwardly above the crowd for uncomfortably long periods of time would actually be a vast improvement over the usual proceedings.