MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29 More bad news for the unfairly beleaguered Lindsay Lohan! Trapped in the cruel confines of the Betty Ford Center—where (gasp!) the rooms don't even have mini-bars—Lindsay learned today that she's been fired from playing '70s porn actress Linda Lovelace in the upcoming biopic Inferno. "We have not heard anything from Lindsay and her camp recently but we wish her and them well," said director Matthew Wilder, who, besides making stupid films, apparently doesn't mind the act of kicking a gal when she's down. Well, WHATEVER. Wilder can take his stupid Deep Throat and SUCK IT, because Lindsay has significantly bigger fish to fry. According to Radar Online, Lindsay is being seriously considered as a potential contestant on next season's Dancing with the Stars! This is simply fabulous news for several reasons: (1) DWTS pays big bucks—not Herbie Fully Loaded bucks, but more than enough to pay for her skyrocketing Betty Ford bill. (2) DWTS specializes in turning catastrophic careers around—such as Bristol Palin's! Before going on DWTS and becoming the Teabagger's poster girl, Bristol was just another scorned unwed teenage mother (and roughly 30 pounds skinnier). And (3) mark our words: Within two weeks of becoming a contestant on DWTS, Lindsay will be sleeping with every person on the show (including judge Bruno Tonioli), slugging down shots of speedball vodka Red Bulls, and basically making this column worth reading again. Can't one of you nerds make a "Get Lindsay on Dancing with the Stars" Facebook petition? Help a sister out! (We mean us, not her.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30 Turmoil inside the Britney Spears camp! Der Britta—who is unbelievably STILL under the watchful conservatorship of her hillbilly papa—is absolutely furious at her first hubby, Jason "Not George from Seinfeld" Alexander, who has been wagging his tongue to Star magazine. For those with loooong memories, Jason and Brit briefly shared a 55-hour Las Vegas-style marriage way back in 2004. Now Alexander is claiming he has a recent audiotape of himself and his ex chatting on the phone, wherein Britney allegedly admits that her current boyfriend Jason Trawick beats up on her. (She also allegedly admits to smoking pot—but if we were in her shoes we would too, and therefore, SO WHAT?) Understandably, Britney's reps are PISSED. "Britney has not had any form of communication with Mr. Alexander in years," the rep huffed. "The audio recording... is so obviously fake as to be laughable. Suffice it to say, that Jason Trawick has never laid a hand on Britney." For those Britney fans who may have trouble understanding this rep's "highfalutin big city-talk," Ms. Spears released her own statement of sorts on Twatter. "Star Magazine, Radar Online, Jason Alexander, and the rest of you liars," Brit-Brit twatted, "Ya'll can kiss my lily white southern Louisiana ass!" IN A RELATED STORY: Oh, Twatter. What would we ever do without you?
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1 Speaking of hillbillies, Dancing with the Stars, Bristol Palin, and abuse, BP's castmate on DWTS, comedienne Margaret Cho, shot off her mouth on her blog today, saying that she heard from friends who would know that Bristol was "forced" onto the dancing show by vengeful mama bear Sarah Palin. "Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly for not winning the election," Cho dished, "and so she told Bristol she 'owed' it to her to do DWTS so that 'America would fall in love with her again' and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012 with America behind her all the way." Bristol fired back at Margaret, saying that "politics had nothing to do with it," and tossed in a quick homophobic joke for good (bad) measure. "If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you to live our lives with less government interference and more independence," Bristol said, "you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert." (We would say that Don Rickles wrote that joke for her, except Rickles wasn't born yet.)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2 As mentioned last week, 29-year-old Jake Gyllenhaal and 20-year-old Taylor Swift are currently in a mushy-wushy, goo-goo eyed romantic relationship which is GROSS and makes us want to puke up our Strawberry Serenity Organic Kombucha. Today, Us magazine published exclusive pictures of this horrible twosome "looking more smitten than ever as they take an afternoon stroll in Brooklyn's Park Slope neighborhood." This... is a job for Kanye West.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3 Reerwwr! Hiss! Meoooowwrrr! That's the terrifying noise of a catfight for the ages, dears, being waged between semi-famous basic cable comedienne Chelsea Handler and the world's biggest movie star, Angelina Jolie! But before you say that's an unfair fight, keep in mind that Handler isn't pulling her punches (claws?). "She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to," Handler sneered about Jolie during a recent stand-up set in (naturally) New Jersey. "I don't fucking believe you.... She gives interviews, 'I don't have a lot of female friends.' 'Cause you're a fucking cunt... you're a fucking bitch!" The incensed Handler also referred to Jolie as a "fucking homewrecker," which might be a clue as to why Handler's so furious... oh wait! It's 'cause Handler's BFF is Jennifer Aniston! Ahhhhh. Now it makes sense! (Confidential to "Jen in LA": Nice work having someone else fight your 9,000-year-old battles for you. We're sure Brad's very impressed.) MEANWHILE.... This weekend, a cheerfully oblivious Angelina Jolie and her cheerfully oblivious/happily stolen husband, Brad Pitt, took their son Pax for a luxury cruise around Paris for his seventh birthday, bringing along siblings Maddox, Zahara, and Shiloh for the ride! There was also birthday cake and balloons!
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4 Today in "Everything's Going Straight to Hell," we turn to those reliable purveyors of doom, the New York Times. "The same people who warned of the looming subprime crisis two years ago are ringing alarm bells again," the Times writes. "Their message: Not just small towns or dying Rust Belt cities, but also large states like Illinois and California are increasingly at risk." Thanks to states being buried by debt, financiers are predicting that—you guessed it—everything's going straight to hell. "Analysts fear that at some point—no one knows when—investors could balk at lending to the weakest states, setting off a crisis that could spread to the stronger ones," the Times continues. In other words? America's increasingly poorly run states are gonna run out of money. Which reminds us: Can we follow Norway's lead already and just switch over to a mixed economy? We don't want to frighten anyone, but... uh... this whole capitalism experiment? KIND OF A CATASTROPHE.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5 What does Christina Hendricks want for Christmas? "My family always does a banana with your name on it in your stocking," the Mad Men bombshell told People. "You carve [the name] in really lightly with a pencil, and a couple hours later it's nice and black. It sounds so gross but I promise it's really cute!" Hendricks then attempted to explain the origin of the tradition, noting, "I think it was supposed to be a healthy thing to eat on Christmas morning before you start to eat all the goodies and sweets." Hmm. Okay. For expert analysis of this breaking news, we now go to our resident expert regarding all things Christina Hendricks—Hubby Kip! "Heh, I've totally got a banana for her with her name written on i—" he began before we smacked him upside the head and informed him he'd be sleeping on the couch in the living room. Hmm. Come to think of it, his punishment probably would've been more effective if we'd confiscated his Mad Men DVDs and hand lotion.