MONDAY, APRIL 23 Okay, even by our low moral standards, the paparazzi are getting way out of control. Britney Spears can't sneak to the liquor store without 25 photogs on her tail, and last week, even mild-mannered Tobey Maguire slapped the camera out of a photog's hand. But this one takes the cake! This weekend, limey heartthrob Hugh Grant got so peeved by the insistence of one paparazzo, he allegedly attacked him with a tub of hot baked beans. The cops arrested Grant for this completely justified bean attack, and the star is expected to be extradited to Boston to await trial. Because they were Boston baked beans! See, it's funny, because he's being extradited to Boston, and... OH, NEVERMIND. Meanwhile... Speaking of being arrested, skeezy actor Richard Gere got in big trouble in India last week for smooching and groping Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty onstage at a HIV/AIDS awareness event. This week? An Indian court has issued an arrest warrant for the actor, calling Gere's actions "highly sexually erotic," and that the pair "transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society." They "transgressed all limits of vulgarity?" Let's send Lindsay Lohan over there for a week. She'll show them a thing or two about transgressing limits of vulgarity!
TUESDAY, APRIL 24 Science flash! Pointy-headed scientists have discovered a potentially habitable planet with Earth-like temperatures just outside our own solar system. If all goes according to plan, we should have the technology to send Paris Hilton there by 2019. Meanwhile... Speaking of hurting Paris' feelings, the artist formerly and now currently known as "Prince," allegedly insulted the porn/pop star onstage in front of a standing-room-only crowd in Las Vegas. Performing at Club 3121, Prince noticed Paris in the audience, and invited her up onstage. When the "delighted" Paris hopped onto the stage, Prince gave her the mic and said to the audience, "Let's see if she can really sing." KA-ZING-A-LING! The enraged Paris stormed off the stage, and straight to NASA, offering them $5 billion if they could send her to that newly discovered habitable planet by next Thursday. Meanwhile... Former rehabber Britney Spears has been spotted guzzling down wine and sake, according to In Touch magazine. A loose-lipped "friend" says, "[Britney] feels like as long as she's having fun and not hurting anyone, she doesn't need rehab." Hey, Paris! Is there room in that spaceship for one more?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25 Today comedian/talk show host Rosie O'Donnell made the startling announcement that she would be leaving The View by the end of June. (Rosie O'Donnell was on The View? Ohhhhhh... that's where all those YouTube videos of her fighting with Donald Trump come from.) Seriously, O'Donnell has been the only reason to watch this gabby show, also populated by Barbara Walters, comedian Joy Behar, and Republican shrew Elisabeth Hesselbeck. Apparently, Rosie could not reach an agreement with ABC Daytime over her contract, and so? Splitsville. However, Walters was quick to point out that Rosie's departure WAS NOT HER FAULT. "I would like to make one thing perfectly clear," Babs intoned. "I do not participate in the negotiations with Rosie. This is not my doing or my choice." She then added, "You may now go back to not watching this show." Meanwhile... The charges just keep stacking up against the King of All Douchebags and Girls Gone Wild entrepreneur Joe Francis. Along with charges of tax evasion, contempt of court, bribing a guard, and illegal possession of prescription pills, we can add one count of misdemeanor sexual battery. (Funny... we thought that one would've come around a lot sooner.) LA city attorney spokesperson Frank Mateljan told TMZ.com that Francis allegedly touched an 18-year-old girl on the breast, buttocks, and inner-thigh this past January at a birthday party. See, that's the problem with kids nowadays. They all want cars or iPods instead of being pawed by a d-bag.
THURSDAY, APRIL 26 BLIND ITEM! WHICH former White House intern who was embroiled in a national scandal with a certain president who was almost impeached for lying about it, has allegedly moved to Portland and into a posh Pearl District condo? (Give up? Oh, fine... it's Monica Lewinsky.) Welcome to Portland, Monica! We're big fans. Call us and we'll do a mani/pedi. Meanwhile... Verbally abusive pop/actor Alec Baldwin continued his "mea culpa" tour, by appearing on The View to apologize for calling his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland, a "thoughtless, little pig." (No, he did not apologize for slighting barnyard animals. Would you call that being "barnyardist"?) "Obviously," Alec said with that sexy rasp in his voice, "calling your child a pig or anything else is improper and inappropriate, and I apologize to my daughter for that." Little Ireland responded to her father by saying, "Whatever, dad... you're paying the therapy bills."
FRIDAY, APRIL 27 Fox News scrapped its last remaining shred of integrity this week by reporting a fake story as fact. Let's make this clear (unlike Fox News). FACT: Last week at a middle school in Lewiston, Maine, a ham steak was left on a cafeteria table where Muslim students eat, as a cruel prank. FACT: Humor website Associated Content spoofed the event, claiming the school was brainstorming an "anti-ham response plan." FACT: Fox News jumped on the Associated Content story, not bothering to see if it was, you know, true. According to thinkprogress.org, the Fox News show Fox & Friends then "reported these parody quotes and details as actual news. Poking fun at the students, hosts asked whether ham was 'a hate crime... or lunch?" all the while repeatedly telling viewers that, "We're not making this up!" FACT: Fox News is full of idiots. (Just to make sure, let's quickly fact check that... yep, "We're not making that up!")
SATURDAY, APRIL 28 And we thought things couldn't get any worse at Virginia Tech. Still recovering from the gruesome massacre of 32 people, VT students have now been assaulted by Scientologists. Radar Online reported that Scientologist "volunteer ministers" have invaded the campus, offering unwanted "assists" to students. (Said "assists" include the "'nerve assist'—a massage designed to dissipate a 'standing wave' stuck in the middle of a 'nerve channel.'") C'mon. Haven't those kids been through enough? Meanwhile... "Honestly, they're happy," Jenna Elfman said of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Scientologist Elfman, who was once sort of famous as the star of Dharma & Greg, told People that "[Tom and Katie] have a great life and they love each other. For some reason, the media cannot experience that." When pressed for further comments, Elfman's skin split open, and out crawled a gigantic lizard wearing a tunic made of human skin and a glittering crown made of Battlefield Earth DVDs. "I am Emperor Klaktu!" it roared. "I hail from the planet Xilgathon Prime, and I serve L. Ron Hubbard! Beware, puny humans! TomKat's child shall be Scientology's Intergalactic Savior! After an awkward silence, Klaktu then offered reporters "free nerve assists, totally without obligation." There were no takers.
SUNDAY, APRIL 29 "I was convinced I was going to die." Such were the harrowing words of 28-year-old Norwegian escort Auden Carlsen, who barely survived an encounter with nature's deadliest beast, Boy George. According to the Daily Mail, Carlsen met the ex-Culture Club singer on a gay website, where Boy George asked him to pose for photographs. But when Carlsen arrived at Boy George's London home, "[Boy] George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed," then threatened Carlsen with "a box of whips and sex toys," telling him, "Now you'll get what you deserve." Luckily, Carlsen escaped and called the police. Let this be a reminder: Parents, make sure your children never, ever talk to Boy George online. Especially if they're Norwegian escorts.