MONDAY, DECEMBER 6 As dutifully reported last week, semi-famous comedienne Chelsea Handler has publicly called very famous actress Angelina Jolie a... hmm... let's see, how did she phrase it exactly? Oh, yes. A "fucking homewrecker," a "fucking bitch," and a "fucking cunt." (As my dear mother would say when I threw similar fits, "Goodness... someone needs a Midol.") The tirade was in apparent defense of her friend, Jennifer Aniston, who according to PopEater, was furious over Handler's outburst. "Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same," said the loose-lipped insider. "She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again." So after being dressed down by her horse-faced pal, what did Chelsea do tonight to remedy the situation? Naturally, she insulted Angelina again. "Yeah, I'm not a fan," Ms. Handler said of the hubby-stealing b-and-c word. "I've been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother." For those with tarnished memories, AJ shared an uncomfortably long liplock with her brother at the 2000 Oscars ceremony. Brrr... that image still gives us the creeps. Now before Jen stomps her hooves in fury over this added betrayal, it should be noted that Chelsea didn't publicly call Angelina a "cunt" once today. In our book, that's real growth!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7 It was a crap week to be a liberal, starting with President Obama helping the Republicans renew former President Bush's tax cuts for the wealthy—because, as we know, it's really important for wealthy people to stay wealthy, as our staggering economy desperately needs mink-lined Jacuzzi businesses to stay afloat. Later, the Republicans squashed a proposed repeal of the homophobic "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that discriminates against gays and lesbians serving in the military—even though a majority of troops polled said they would have no problem with homosexuals in their ranks. (Is this what they mean when they say, "One step forward, 3,453 steps back"?) MEANWHILE... Failed Alaskan governor/vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin murdered a caribou, guys! Palin shot the poor beast during a hunting demonstration on her TLC show Sarah Palin's Alaska to the disgust of... well, just about every rational person. Luckily for rational people everywhere, screenwriter Aaron Sorkin wrote a searing rebuttal for Huffington Post, in which he said the following to the trigger-happy harpy: "You weren't killing that animal for food or shelter or even fashion," Sorkin wrote to Palin, "you were killing it for fun... So I don't think I will save my condemnation, you phony pioneer girl. [Burn!—Ann] (I'm in film and television, Cruella, and there was an insert close-up of your manicure while you were roughing it in God's country.) [Double burn!—Ann] And you didn't just do it for fun and you didn't just do it for money. That was the first moose ever murdered for political gain." [And that, dears, is what's called a shot through the heart.—Ann]
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8 In news obviously intended to gross us out, there were not one, but TWO stories today involving unwanted celebrity nudity. Least horrible first: The internet was awash today with semi-nude photos of Christina Aguilera, hacked from the personal computer of her stylist. Two questions: (1) Xtina has a stylist? (2) How do these semi-nude photos of Xtina differ from any photo she's taken over the last 15 years? MEANWHILE... Umm, you probably don't want to know this, but Kelsey "Frasier" Grammer allegedly has a sex tape. According to Star magazine, his soon-to-be ex-wife Camille Grammer is threatening to unleash the tape unless Kelsey rewards her appropriately in their upcoming alimony hearing. Camille... it's us you're punishing. Not him. US!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9 In what could be a wildly disappointing turn of events, Lindsay Lohan is probably NOT going to be a contestant on next season's Dancing with the Stars. Last week we repeated a Radar Online story whose source claimed that "Lindsay has been talking with the DWTS people. She is definitely interested and considering being on the show." Certainly a twirl on the DWTS dance floor would go a long way to pay off those spiraling Betty Ford Clinic bills—and yet? According to her people, it is not to be. "She isn't doing Dancing with the Stars," Lindsay's publicist firmly told the Daily News today. (Naturally, since a publicist's primary job is to lie for the client, we will assume this announcement means only one thing... LINDSAY LOHAN IS DEFINITELY GOING TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS!!)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10 We have to admit, this was the most fantastic news we heard all day: faltering teen pop star Miley Cyrus was caught on video—huffing a bong! The video—procured by TMZ—shows Miley at a friend's residence gleefully sucking on the aforementioned water pipe and launching into the same kind of giggling hysterics one would usually associate with either Cheech, or his contemporary, Chong. BIG HOWEVER, HOWEVER! When approached by the gossip website, Team Miley had an unusual explanation at the ready: That wasn't marijuana in that pipe—it was a natural herb called "salvia" (not to be confused with "saliva") which apparently is legal in California, and according to Wikipedia, can cause "uncontrollable laughter" and "overlapping realities, such as the perception of being in several locations at once." In other words, it's like being Miley Cyrus AND Hannah Montana at the same time! Thankfully, Miley didn't die from the experience, but probably wishes she had after reading what her severely disappointed father, Billy Ray Cyrus, had to say about the incident on Twatter. "Sorry guys," Billy Ray morosely twatted. "I had no idea. Just saw this [video] for the first time myself. Im so sad. There is much beyond my control right now." Poor Billy Ray! How many more times will his achy-breaky heart be achy-breaky broken?
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11 Even if the careers of Miley Cyrus and Lindsay Lohan are irretrievably damaged by their recent shenanigans, they always have a career they can fall back on—no, not Dancing with the Stars! We already told you that wasn't going to happen! (Shhh... Yes, it will.) These disgraced stars can always fall back on FASHION. According to PopEater, washed-up former pop/reality star Jessica Simpson raked in $750 million this year from her clothing line. ($750 MILLION?? That'll buy a lot of Spanx!) Singer/actor/dreamboat Justin Timberlake is also hedging his career bets with his William Rast clothing line, and let's not discount Gwen Stefani, Jennifer Lopez, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Victoria Beckham—all former big stars making a big splash in the fashion world. So cheer up, Miley! We're sure the kids will be lining up to purchase your Hannah Montana Rasta Wear.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12 Prepare yourselves for the shock of your young life: Britney Spears was spotted shopping today—in a Walmart. In a related story: The pope wears a pointy hat, and a bear was spotted shitting in the woods. MEANWHILE... Actress Elizabeth Hurley, who you may remember was cheated on by former boy-toy Hugh Grant way back in 2000, announced today that her three-year marriage to Indian textile heir Arun Nayar is on the rocks thanks to... what else? CHEATING. Except this time it was Elizabeth that was caught doing the alleged running around. The tall drink of water was photographed by News of the World liplocking with Brit cricketer Shane Warne, and accused of "banging his mash" in an all-night sex romp at London's posh Bentley Hotel. (Note to Hugh Grant: Before you say ANYTHING to Elizabeth, be sure to remember that you were, and will always be, a prick.)