MONDAY, JANUARY 17 In the absolute best news you will hear all day, the burgeoning romantic canoodle-fest between Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds is—according to all sources—DUNZO. The cover of Life & Style puts it best: "EXCLUSIVE! SANDRA'S HEARTBREAK! IT'S OVER! [They mean the relationship is 'over,' not her heartbreak, which will surely be eternal.—Ann] Is she afraid to love again?" Well, we certainly hope so, because we truly hate writing about Sandra Bullock. She may be "America's Sweetheart™" (or whatever), but it's a sad fact that boring people produce boring gossip. Sorry, but the best thing that ever happened to Sandy was that mouth-breathing creep Jesse James and his endless parade of herp-infected tattooed skanks. More on that later. MEANWHILE... Who's trying to bring "sexy back"? It's heartthrobby singer/actor Justin Timberlake, and according to Life & Style, he's been sending flirtatious, come-hither texts to nerd boner-inducing Olivia Munn—all behind the back of current gal pal Jessica Biel. We'd tell you what the texts said, but they're boring, and if we were dating that wet sock Jessica, we'd send flirty texts to Olivia, too. We're pretty sure if you put Sandy and Jessica in the same room they'd create a black hole of BORING that could collapse the entire universe. (Why, oh why can't Ryan and Justin get together? If not in real life, perhaps just a wee little gay porn?)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 18 In other BORING news (that thankfully doesn't include Boring Sandy and Boring Jessica), Lindsay Lohan has boringly passed 10 random drug and alcohol tests in a row. Oh, yay, good for you, Lindsay! We hope your sobriety actually sticks this time, so we can congratulate you on our way to pick up our food stamps. Why must you force us into poverty with your... wait. THIS JUST IN: The district attorney's office in Riverside County, California, has decided to keep their investigation of Lindsay Lohan open on suspicion of bribery charges! (Yesssssss! We apologize, Lindsay! You never let us down!) According to the Hollywood Gossip, the DA's office suspects that former Betty Ford employee Dawn Holland was paid off by Camp LiLo to shut her G.D. mouth in regard to a certain alleged drunken dustup that occurred while Lindsay was still in rehab. Dawn originally accused Linds of drunkenness and minor violence, but suddenly and mysteriously flipped the script, dropping all charges. Radar Online alleges Dawn was promised $25,000 to zip her lip—on an installment plan, mind you, because after all, Lindsay isn't exactly made of money these days. The hilarious part is that after Dawn dropped the charges, the alleged pay-off deal apparently crumbled, leaving the former Betty Ford employee with NOTHING. (But she did get mentioned in TWO One Day columns—which has to be worth something... right?)
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19 Today in celebrity drug and alcohol abuse: According to Us magazine, former pop diva Christina Aguilera was found skunk-drunk, passed out on the bed of Hurt Locker hottie Jeremy Renner during his birthday party. Apparently this was not the present he expected, and asked if she could be exchanged for a newer model... maybe Taylor Swift? ALSO! Actress Cameron Diaz confessed on today's episode of Lopez Tonight that she once "bought weed" from then-classmate Snoop Dogg. Nice try, Cameron—but even this does not make you the slightest bit interesting. ALSO! According to Radar Online, a looped-out-of-his-gourd Charlie Sheen spent a whopping $26,000 on prostitutes during his recent Las Vegas bender. It should be noted that this $26 grand was in addition to whatever money he spent on porn star Bree Olson and Michelle "I Bombshelled Sandy Bullock's Marriage" McGee whom he also reportedly orgied out with. Eww. Excuse us while we gargle a bottle of mouthwash.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 20 And the humiliations for Sandra Bullock just keep on comin'! Jesse James, the tattooed douchebag who ruined her life (with an assist from tattooed douchebaguette "Bombshell" McGee), is already engaged to remarry—this time to "tattoo artist" Kat Von D. Naturally James used the romantic medium of Twatter to profess his undying love. "They say True Love will always shine though," James mushily twatted. "The only reason I started Twitter again? so I could publicly profess my love for @thekatvond." And though Sandy may be remaining quiet over this disgusting display, a certain "Bombshell" isn't. "I guess [James] went to sex rehab, maybe he's reformed, he's all better," McGee told Radar Online. "From my experiences, he's a pig." Okay, Michelle, for that you've been upgraded from "douchebaguette" to "somewhat grotesque." Keep up the good work!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 21 Dears, give a warm welcome to a blast from the past... Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom! You'll no doubt remember Nadya from such One Day Hits™ as "That idiot with a billion poorly-cared-for children" or "That creepy stalker who got plastic surgery so she could look like Angelina Jolie." And now Octomom's better than ever! To wit: "A destitute Nadya Suleman is afraid child protective services is going to take away her 14 children after she appeared in a wild fetish video wearing a black corset and whipping a man dressed as a giant baby," reports Radar Online. "I am scared that Orange County CPS will misunderstand my intentions or my parenting abilities and take my kids away from me," Octomom explains. "Instead of a lighthearted skit with a naughty edge, [the video] turned out to be a vulgar and unprofessional video that I deeply regret playing any part in." Suleman adds, "I am doing everything I can to be a great parent.... I just bought a new minivan that seats them all safely and I take them to school and on trips all the time." Hear that, child protective services? Everything's cool at the Octomom residence. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about at all.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 22 SWOON. Dreamboat George Clooney gave a rather revealing interview to CNN's Piers Morgan last night, talking frankly about marriage—namely, how he doesn't ever want to get married again. "I hate to blow your whole news story, but I was married," Clooney charmingly said, referring to his four-year-long marriage with actress Talia Balsam. "Yeah, so I've proven how good I was at it, and I just... I'm allowed one." (Ah, if only every man could make an utter disinterest in commitment sound so sexy!) The only problem with George's statement? It was news to current girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis, who eats toddlers' hearts for breakfast and kicks puppies. "Elisabetta had no idea he was going to say that," a source tells PopEater. "She thought she was going to be the girl who would finally get George to settle down and put a ring on it." Well, now we're torn. On one hand, we're saddened to realize our dream of becoming Mrs. George Clooney will, apparently, never be a reality. But on the other... at least that fetid skank Elisabetta won't get to be married to him, either! (Petty? Us??)
SUNDAY, JANUARY 23 Giddyup, Jennifer Aniston—the annual Razzie Awards have announced their nominations! Aniston was nominated for Worst Actress for not one but two films (The Bounty Hunter and The Switch), as well as for Worst Screen Couple (for The Bounty Hunter with Gerard Butler)! Somebody give that filly a carrot! Other Razzie punching bags include Sex and the City 2 (nominated for Worst Prequel, Remake, Ripoff, or Sequel, as well as Worst Screenplay, Worst Director, Worst Screen Ensemble, Worst Picture, and Worst Actress(es), as well as fine thespians such as Miley Cyrus (Worst Actress, The Last Song), and Megan Fox (Worst Actress, Jonah Hex). Noticeably absent from the list of nominees was Lindsay Lohan, who... ohhh, yeah. She didn't really "work" a whole lot this year, did she?