MONDAY, MAY 21 Break out those RU-486 pills, because this is the sexiest Monday in Hollyweird history! First up, Tinseltown ingénue and brainwashed Stepford Wife Katie Holmes is angrier than a poodle in a pigpen over an 18-year-old Illinois virgin who has changed her name to Katee Holmes, and is embarking on a career in porn. The wanna-be adult film star is planning on being deflowered in her first X-rated flick because she likes "the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn." Ohhhh-kay. But why switch your name to sound like a certain Dawson's Creeker? "Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie," says Shy Love, an adult film vet, who's managing the temporary virgin. Unfortunately, the real Katie doesn't quite see it that way, and fearing that her fans might get confused, is considering suing her imitator. Don't worry, Katie! We're happy to help clear up any confusion in advance. "Katee" is the one who is getting paid to get boinked, and "Katie" is the one who is getting paid for pretending to get boinked. MEANWHILE... This week heralded the final two episodes of this season's American Idol, and at least one sexually frustrated employee decided to get some action you'll never see on the show! On the Hollywood version of craigslist, an Idol employee posted the following: "Working at Idol... Need a Sex Break. Sexy, athletic, and passionate guy looking for hot sex. Looking for good-looking sexy guys who are oral tops." Well, it can't be Ryan or Simon—they'd never allow anyone to top them orally.
TUESDAY, MAY 22 Behold—five words you'd never thought you'd see in One Day at a Time: Meanwhile, in local sports news... according to people who know (and more importantly, care) about professional basketball, the Portland Trail Blazers won the first pick in the NBA draft lottery. We admit it—we have no idea what this means, because the NBA draft is rarely discussed in Mademoiselle. But apparently, it's a very exciting thing. However, we'll try to put it in language we can all understand: Imagine for a moment that you are Italian dressmaker Alberta Ferretti. For years you envy the grand couturiers who dominate Milan, Paris, Tokyo, and New York—the Chanels, the Gaultiers, and naturally, the Diors—but success eludes you because of your Italian heritage. Suddenly, your designs are discovered and featured in French Vogue, and you are thrust into the upper echelons of haute couture—you are given invitations to every major fashion week in the world, and after years of being a laughing stock, success is finally within your grasp. So, congratulations, Blazers! You're kind of like Alberta Ferretti! By the way, here's a question for number one draft pick Greg Oden: How's your topstitching?
WEDNESDAY, MAY 23 Not that you care—at all—but 17-year-old Jordin Sparks won this season's installment of American Idol. Yep. You don't care. However, you do care that AI judge Paula Abdul tripped over her pet Chihuahua, Tulip, and broke her nose! According to Paula, the accident happened at home, and in a failed attempt to protect the yappy pup, she did a full face plant, bruising her hip, tearing cartilage and fracturing her toe as well as her honker. That's the story she's telling everyone, anyway. But, according to a source for the New York Post, her tall tale is actually a coverup! "Paula did not break her nose," claims the snoopy spy. "She had pitched a fit, threw something into a mirror or glass object, and a shard of glass struck her in the face, which explains why Paula's nose didn't seem swollen [on the show]." Paula's rep "absolutely, categorically" denies this version of events, but maybe they're both telling the truth. We've tripped over a few Chihuahua hallucinations ourselves, and they look really real!
THURSDAY, MAY 24 Attention gays and lesbians: Just so you know, it's okay with the Bush administration if homosexuals raise children. That is, as long as you are somehow related to someone in the Bush administration. Congrats to Mary Cheney, the lesbian daughter of creepy Veep Dick Cheney, who gave birth today to a baby boy. However, just so you know, it's still not okay according to James Dobson of the conservative Focus on the Family organization. "We should not enter into yet another untested and far-reaching social experiment, this one driven by the desires of same-sex couples to bear and raise children," Dobson said. On the other hand—and prepare yourself for a shock—President Bush apparently disagrees. "I think Mary is going to be a loving soul to her child," said Bush. "And I'm happy for her." BZZZT! EEERRK! Does... not... compute! BZZZT! Shutting down all systems, except for life support! Wake us when he's out of office!
FRIDAY, MAY 25 Meow! Hiss! Ker-SLAM! That's what it sounded like at ABC today when Rosie O'Donnell left The View! Rosie was set to leave the estrogen-soaked gabfest next month, but ABC let her out of her contract early following Rosie's Wednesday catfight with one of The View's co-hosts, ditzy right-wing harpy Elisabeth Hasselbeck. It went a little something like this: Co-host Joy Behar was reading a list of reasons why George W. Bush should be impeached when Hasselbeck butted in, weakly attempting to defend Bush. Rosie tried to stay neutral, knowing how it'd go. "I don't want to do this," she said, "because here's how it gets spun in the media: Rosie—big, fat, lesbian, loud Rosie—attacks innocent, pure, Christian Elisabeth." But Rosie eventually jumped in, accusing Hasselbeck of spouting "Republican crap" and being "cowardly" for not saying anything when conservative pundits criticized Rosie. Shortly thereafter, Rosie's head writer, Janette Barber, was kicked out of The View's studios for drawing mustaches on pictures of Hasselbeck. But at least Rosie found an unexpected ally in her old nemesis Donald Trump, who called Hasselbeck an "imbecile" and "one of the dumber people on television." (And yes, we're assuming the Donald included himself in that group. Ouch!) We have just one question: When does Comedy Central pick up The Big Fat Lesbian Loud Rosie Show? We are so watching.
SATURDAY, MAY 26 Lindsay Lohan? Okay, Lindsay honey? Listen, sweetie. Auntie Ann's going to give you some advice. Look at me, dear. Focus. This morning? When you were driving your Mercedes convertible and speeding, and you crashed at 5:30 am, and were cited for drunken driving? Remember that, sweetie? And remember how the cops found cocaine in the car? Okay, honey. Take it from someone who knows: You don't want to turn out like Britney. Yes, we're trying to "scare you straight." Please tell us it's working, dear. Lindsay? Lindsay? Aw, crap. She's passed out again. Oh, well... can you pass that bag over here? That cocaine isn't going to snort itself.
SUNDAY, MAY 27 "In Mosul, in 2003, it felt like we were making the city a better place," Staff Sgt. David Safstrom told The New York Times today from Baghdad. "There was no sectarian violence, Saddam was gone, we were tracking down the bad guys. It felt awesome." But recently Safstrom, examining the body of a dead Iraqi insurgent, realized that the same Iraqis he'd been training to take over for US forces were setting roadside bombs and killing American soldiers. "I thought, 'What are we doing here? Why are we still here? We're helping guys that are trying to kill us. We help them in the day. They turn around at night and try to kill us.'" In related news, George W. Bush continues to insist that we need to stay the course in Iraq. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is still totally on his side.