MONDAY, FEBRUARY 7 In news of the "grotesque," actress/lifelike sexbot Scarlett Johansson—whose relationship with blow-up doll Ryan Reynolds recently went kerblooie—has apparently moved on to greener (or shall we say, "grayer") pastures. According to Us magazine, 26-year-old ScarJo is "smitten" with—hold your tummies, dears—50-year-old Sean Penn! BLARF! Right? According to a source, "Scarlett first reached out to Sean when she was planning a visit to Haiti. She knew Sean was living there in a tent and turned to him for advice." HAAAAA! Okay, that was funny, but seriously, the "source" should just shut up now. "The duo began their fling in early January when she was staying at LA's Chateau Marmont," continued the source, who we clearly asked to stop talking. "Their first hook-up was in Scarlett's bungalow." GAHH! Will you please SHUT YOUR ICKY MOUTH?!? Oh, great. Now we're stuck with the image of Scarlett and Sean having "droopy jowl" sex. EW!! MEANWHILE... In much happier news, Ashlee Simpson is finally getting a divorce from "guyliner"-wearing musician/hubby Pete Wentz. In case you care (and we're sure you don't), according to Radar Online, the actress was sick of his incessant touring, and leaving her to care for their horribly misnamed two-year-old Bronx Mowgli, which according to a source, "wasn't what she had signed on for." NOTE TO YOUNG ACTRESSES DATING METROSEXUAL UGGOS FROM FAILED BOY BANDS: When you invite a penis into your vagina, taking responsibility for whatever eventually comes out is exactly "what you signed on for."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8 Walking trainwreck Charlie Sheen gave an inspirational speech today to the members of the UCLA baseball team, telling them: "Stay off the crack! Drink chocolate milk! Enjoy your moment! That's all I've got." Hmmm... well, it's no "I Have a Dream," but it's certainly better than his famous "WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY WATCH?!? I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU, HOOKER!!" oration delivered during his October stay at the Plaza Hotel.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Well, Lindsay Lohan was back in court again today—where she should start having her mail delivered—pleading "not guilty" to charges that she stole a $2,500 necklace from a Venice Beach jewelry store. She claims they let her "borrow" it (an awesome business model, if you ask us), but if the court finds otherwise, Linds could be facing up to three years in state prison. But don't worry everybody! According to LiLo's mom Dina Lohan, everything will work out just fine, because: "God has a big plan." When reached for comment on this "plan," God said, "Yeah. There is no plan. OH! I'm planning on a round of golf this weekend... does that count?"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Today laminated reality has-been Heidi Montag accused One Day punching-bag Jennifer Aniston of kicking her off the red carpet for the new movie Just Go with It, because the former Hills star was "too polarizing." Montag whined to Us magazine, "I'm so upset! ...To have someone like Jennifer Aniston go out of her way to make things hard for me is really disheartening." So! At this point in the story we were ready to hop up on our ottoman and cheer, "YAY, JENNIFER ANISTON!" while vowing to never again saddle her with any horse-like metaphors. However, then this happened: A very short time later, Heidi once again talked to Us, saying, "I read that Jennifer had banned me from the premiere for being too polarizing [You read it? Honey... you said it!—Ann]... actually, I got my invite and would have loved to be there, but I had to be in Los Angeles with my dogs." Okay... so here's where we stand NOW: While we still hate Jennifer Aniston, at least she can take some solace in the knowledge that we hate Heidi Montag—OH!—so much more.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11 The next boring Superman movie is still years away, but that hasn't stopped lonely nerds from clogging the internet with "news" about it. And—as she is with everything annoying—Lindsay Lohan is involved! "Lindsay's people have had multiple phone conversations within the last few weeks with the people behind the new Superman reboot," TMZ claims. "We're told Lindsay is up for a role in the flick—and while it isn't Lois Lane, we hear it could be a 'major character.'" Okay, FIRST: We deeply doubt anyone involved in Superman (or any movie) is talking to Linds at all—but least she's not up for the part of Lois Lane, because that's our role, dammit! (We'll cut the bitch who says otherwise.) SECOND, we went to the Romano household's self-proclaimed "Superman specialist," Hubby Kip, for some expert commentary—only to find he was "torn." "On one hand, I have a hard time imagining where Ms. Lohan could fit into the greater Superman mythos," Hubby Kip noted, thoughtfully stroking the stupid new goatee he grew last week despite our violent protestations. "On the other, she has a bangin' rack and seems super easy, so this could make my proposed trip to Comic-Con in 2013 very interesting," IN RELATED NEWS... Hubby Kip is once again sleeping on the couch, attempting to stay warm by using only a crude blanket fashioned out of Smallville DVDs.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12 Okay, so all that business with the porn stars and the mountains of cocaine? Old news! Charlie Sheen's ready to go back to "work" at Two and a Half Men, which is currently on hiatus thanks to his shenanigans—though that didn't stop him from showing up at the studio anyway. Sheen inexplicably called in to AM sports radio show The Dan Patrick Show to air his grievances against Two and a Half Men's producers for not letting him work! A wheezy Sheen claimed he'd lost his voice by shouting as he banged on Two and a Half Men's locked stage door. "I got ready and went back and nobody was there," Sheen whined. "I don't know what to tell ya. I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it." Awww. He's acting like this is the first time he's knocked on someone's door and they've pretended not to be home.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Poor Gwyneth Paltrow. Somebody lonely enough to watch Glee decided it would be a good idea to pair up Gwynnie, Cee Lo, and some bargain-bin Muppets to perform a neutered version of Cee Lo's "Fuck You" on tonight's Grammys. Lurching about the stage with all the grace of a stuttering epileptic while warbling out "furrrr-get yooOOOooo," the awkward Paltrow missed musical cues, clambered atop a piano, and did an excellent job of making everyone super uncomfortable. Still, she had a better night than Esperanza Spalding, who won the Best New Artist trophy... but in doing so, defeated Justin Bieber, whose loyal tween army screamed for justice. "Esperanza Spalding needs to go fuck herself than die in a hole," wrote @ReppinJBiebs on Twitter, while @jenn_x33 carefully noted, "FUCK YOU Esperanza I hope you die in your sleep tonight," and @abbey_ennis gave some friendly advice: "Esperanza or whatever your name is go die in a fucking hole ! ; ) thanks !" Other Beliebers (oh god, we really just typed that, didn't we?) went after Spalding's Wikipedia page, changing her middle name to "Quesadilla," describing her as a "fucking retard," and making a few additions to her profile: "Recently, she won the best new artist at the 53rd Grammy Awards JUSTIN BIEBER DESERVED IT GO DIE IN A HOLE. WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?" We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Mess with Charlie Sheen as much as you want, dears—but anger 13-year-old Bieber fans at your peril. (You may just—as the young people are apparently putting it—"die in a hole.")