MONDAY, MAY 28 It's Memorial Day, which means it's time once again to take a moment to remember those who, for reasons unknown, mysteriously slip off of the gossip pages, never to be seen again. [Cue instrumental version of "Memories" by Barbra Streisand.] Let us now pay tribute to these fallen tabloid heroes: Jennifer "J.LO" Lopez... Jennifer Garner... Ben Affleck... Kevin Federline... Jessica Simpson... her surgically enhanced, lip-synching little sister... Brangelina... Jennifer Aniston... Courtney Love... Renée Zellweger... Russell Crowe... Benicio Del Toro... Hugh Grant... and of course, Michael Jackson. However, there is one who, like a stubborn case of herpes, refuses to go away—and that's the lush-alicious Britney Spears. According to Britain's The Sun, Britney was spotted this weekend entering the MEN's toilet at a posh LA hotspot, and heaving her guts out. According to a snoopy source, "Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off." WOW! That's one of the greatest quotes ever stolen and reprinted for One Day. But it gets even better! "There was vomit down the front of her black dress and around her mouth... [she] must have been sick four or five times. I don't know if she was drunk or not." That skanky poseur Lindsay Lohan may be drinking up the lion's share of tabloid ink—but you, Britney Spears? Though civilizations may eventually crumble and fall, you shall never be forgotten. (Now send in somebody to clean up that sick.)
TUESDAY, MAY 29 Not to be outdone by that vomiting bitch Britney, Lindsay Lohan comes screeching back onto the gossip racetrack, and this time we can thank Lindsay's dear old douchebaggy dad Michael—himself no stranger to the tabloids thanks to his past assault and DUI charges. Michael boldly stepped up today to comment on Lindsay's speedy trip to rehab, thereby throwing even more unnecessary gasoline on the fire. Apparently someone let him talk to the doctors, and according to him, Lindsay will be undergoing a stringent rehab program to help her kick multiple addictions including alcohol and "hillbilly heroin," also known as OxyContin. "And I learned they use the 12-step program," Michael continued without being asked, "which includes a lot of lessons based on God's teachings. First she needs to get clean, then she needs to let God into her life." Thanks for that brilliant insight, DUMBASS. One of the reasons it's called "Alcoholics Anonymous" is so the rest of us don't have to listen to your moronic religious crap. MEANWHILE... It's not just dingaling daddy-o cashing in on Lilo's sickness—even her so-called friends are jumping on the Judas train! According to Celebrity Babylon, Lindsay's pal/celebrity DJ Samantha Ronson was with her the night Lilo was caught with coke, and was allegedly paid by the paparazzi to stop at a gas station so they could get pix of the trashed celeb! "Samantha [is also] the one that had the cocaine with her," said an inside spy. "Lindsay later questioned her about leaving it in the car for the cops to find and Samantha blew her off." What was Samantha thinking, leaving all that cocaine behind? Lilo's gonna need that in rehab!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 30 What is the world coming to when you can no longer berate your publicist and cry like a little baby without the entire world listening in? Poor Paula Abdul made such a call this week to her publicity team to complain about her former rep Howard Bragman, who she claims called her "a whining bitch and loser." WHICH SHE ISN'T. OKAY?? Regardless, someone taped the call and leaked it to the media, and here's what she said (BTW, be sure to read this in the most whining, sobbing, loser-ish voice imaginable to get the full effect. Maybe slur your words a bit, too.): "I've never been treated this way and I've never seen anybody treated this way! This is just too much to stomach! I've been going through tremendous amounts of difficult time. [OK! Magazine wants] to do a cover on me. I'm being told by Howard Bragman that I'm too old and no one will ever want to do a cover. I don't understand how this man can call me a whining bitch. I've never in my life been called a whining bitch and a loser!" (Five bucks says Simon Cowell called her that and worse.)
THURSDAY, MAY 31 In political news, former Republican senator/actor Fred D. Thompson has quit his job on TV's long-running Law & Order in order to run for president! Isn't that hilarious? Now I've seen it all! A Republican actor actually thinking he can become president of the United... ohhhhh, crap.
FRIDAY, JUNE 1 Thirteen-year-old nerdling Evan O'Dorney won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last night, bringing hope to creepy home-schooled kids everywhere. The bespectacled O'Dorney's winning word was "serrefine," though other dweebs were forced to attempt words like "coryza," "aniseikonia," "cyanophycean," and perhaps the dirtiest-sounding word ever, "clevis." (If that means what we think it means, it's something that little Evan O'Dorney won't be getting a piece of for a long, long time.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 2 Four people were arrested today for planning to blow up John F. Kennedy International Airport. "Any time you hit Kennedy, it is the most hurtful thing to the United States," one of the wannabe terrorists said in a recorded conversation. "To hit John F. Kennedy, wow... they love John F. Kennedy, like, he's the man... if you hit that, this whole country will be mourning. You can kill the man twice."
Think that's a good quote? Ha! Not compared to what comedienne Sarah Silverman said this weekend as she hosted the MTV Movie Awards! "In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail," Silverman told a cheering crowd—which included Paris. "I heard that in order to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are gonna paint the bars to look like penises." Cut to the crowd, cheering again! "I think it's wrong too!" Silverman continued. "I just worry that she's gonna break her teeth on those things." Cut to Paris in the audience, looking absolutely MORTIFIED. Nice try, wannabe terrorist, but Silverman totally beat you in the Best Quote of the Week Contest! In your face, al-Qaeda! As long as Sarah Silverman is around, the terrorists will NEVER win!
SUNDAY, JUNE 3 So remember when we told you that old guy from Law & Order is running for president? Well, now Fred D. Thompson's actually having to deal with the press, and it turns out that he might need a little help from Law & Order's scriptwriters. According to Tim Russert on Meet the Press, Thompson was recently asked what he'd do as president. "Lots of things," he replied. When asked if he cared to elaborate, Thompson replied, "No." This followed a recent Reuters story reporting that ex-Senator Thompson had a reputation for "being frustrated with the slow-moving legislative process and preferring dining with friends to late-night congressional sessions." Oh, please, please let Thompson run for president. Not only do we totally agree with him—dining with friends is so much more fun than the details of legislative processes!—but we really want to hear the Law & Order theme song replace "Hail to the Chief."