MONDAY, JUNE 4 Did anything of any real significance happen this week? Sure... but who gives a crap about that dumb crap? Especially when PARIS HILTON IS IN JAIL! As reported last week in One Day, Paris surrendered herself to authorities on Sunday night, and by the wee hours of Monday morning heard the hollow CLANK of a jail cell door being shut behind her. Here's how it all went down: After attending and being humiliated at the MTV Movie Awards (where host Sarah Silverman joked that in order to make Paris more comfortable in prison, the guards were painting the bars to look like penises), Paris checked herself in to the Century Regional Detention facility in Lynwood, California, where she was given a medical screening (watch out for the herp, people!) and according to TMZ.com, a full cavity search (watch out for falling BlackBerries, people!). After being led to her cell, and experiencing a horrific night of agony and sleeplessness, Paris awoke and did what she normally does—absolutely nothing until 2 pm. Then she was served lunch which was passed through the slot in her door. After turning her nose up at that, she made a collect call to her father Rick, which would have been fine, except that Paris didn't know how to use a pay phone or make a collect call, and needed to ask a nearby guard for help. Then she learned that over 402 inmates in the prison are carriers of highly contagious staph infections—a disease which is bad, but not as bad as herpes. Other than that, it was an uneventful first day in the can. Her lawyers claim she's really bucking up, and coping "very well under the circumstances." Plus, according to the LA County sheriff public information officer, "She's gonna do 23 days," without any early dismissal, and Paris is absolutely okay with that. See? This is all going to work out just fine.
TUESDAY, JUNE 5 This is NOT going to work out just fine! While Paris Hilton may have been built to successfully survive ONE day in prison, TWO days is one day too much! Apparently TMZ.com had multiple sources inside the slammer, and all concurred that Paris is suffering from an incarceration freakout! Not only does the heiress complain that her cell is "freezing cold," she only has three little blankets and no pillow, which means she isn't getting her regular 19 hours of sleep per day. And the food? Far too disgusting to eat! And after being reminded once again how to place a collect phone call, Paris has been heard sobbing uncontrollably to her parents, begging them to get her out of this bottomless emotional hellhole. In other words, a pretty good day—for the rest of us. Well, at least there's one thing Paris doesn't have to worry about, and that's being shanked (shived?) in the laundry room... because her prison mates LOVE her! Sources indicate they often drop by her cell to say hi, or inform her that she doesn't deserve the punishment she's receiving. And even one anonymous prisoner slipped her an origami butterfly underneath her door! (Do we smell a love connection in Cell Block B?) Also today: Paris' personal shrink dropped by for a visit, and to give her a quick psychiatric evaluation. We're sure all prisoners receive this type of treatment, and nothing important will come of it.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6 But something important did come of it! Heads across America exploded in disbelief today when PARIS HILTON WAS LET OUT OF JAIL. And only after three days of imprisonment! According to a sheriff's department spokesman, Paris was diagnosed with "medical issues" and therefore "reassigned" to house arrest for the next 40 days. (Please remember that, unlike many people, "house arrest" for Paris means luxuriating in her 2,700-square-foot mansion in the Hollywood Hills. SPLAT!!! That was someone else's head exploding.) And as for those pesky "medical issues"? TMZ.com says they were purely psychological. Hilton's psychiatrist informed Sheriff Lee Baca that Paris' mental state was "extremely fragile," and after the county jail medical team seconded the shrink's diagnosis, the sheriff set her free. SPLAT!!! (There goes another couple hundred.)
THURSDAY, JUNE 7 Today everyone walked around in a funk, still trying to come to grips with the grave miscarriage of justice that allowed a psychologically upset Paris Hilton to escape prison and return to the loving, plush confines of her Hollywood mansion. Even Los Angeles City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo was dumbfounded—and not a little bit pissed! "My office was not advised of this action," Delgadillo huffed. "Had we been provided with the proper notification, we would have opposed the decision on legal grounds." He went on to pooh-pooh the idea that Paris was released due to a "medical condition," stating, "the jail medical facilities are well-equipped to deal with medical situations involving inmates." Delgadillo then promised he would explore every legal means to reverse this miscarriage of justice. "We cannot tolerate a two-tiered jail system where the rich and powerful receive special treatment," he concluded. Then his head exploded. SPLAT!!!
FRIDAY, JUNE 8 SUCCESS! Today a humiliated and crying Paris Hilton was arrested at her home, crammed in the back of a police car, and led back to jail! The Associated Press hilariously reported that Paris was screaming, "It's not right!" while crying for her extremely wealthy mother to help her. Arriving in court, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer told the sobbing Paris that she will serve the entirety of her 45-day sentence IN PRISON, overriding Sheriff Lee Baca's decision to let the heiress out early due to a "medical condition." (Pssst! It's worth noting that according to radaronline.com, Baca "accepted a $1,000 campaign donation last year from William Barron Hilton—Paris' grandfather.") But Sauer—now a national hero—declared, "I at no time condoned the actions of the sheriff and at no time told him I approved the actions. At no time did I approve the defendant being released from custody to her home." At which point the door to Paris' cell made a sound like this: Ker-SLAM! And America cheered, and God's existence was proven. Turns out God isn't such a bad guy after all.
SATURDAY, JUNE 9 What? You're getting sick of Paris Hilton news? FINE. We'll give you some non-Paris news: While participating in a charity golf tournament in Iowa this week, St. Elmo's Fire star Rob Lowe killed a flying bird with his golf ball. (It was a goldfinch, Iowa's state bird.) "That's my birdie!" cracked the remorseless Lowe. (Hubby Kip says that's "a golf joke... but not a very good one.") "That's unbelievable," Lowe boasted. "Who comes here and kills the state bird? Only me." (Note: To make the preceding story more interesting, please replace "Rob Lowe" with "Paris Hilton," who is probably still sobbing and crying out for her mother.)
SUNDAY, JUNE 10 Okay. We suppose we should mention some non-Paris news. But just so you know, it's going to be super depressing. First, the New York Times reported today that the US is "arming Sunni Arab groups that have promised to fight militants linked with al-Qaeda who have been [al-Qaeda's] allies in the past." But "critics of the strategy, including some American officers, say it could amount to the Americans' arming both sides in a future civil war." Yeah, that sounds promising. MEANWHILE... Today Senator/George W. Bush flunky Joe Lieberman advocated an attack on Iran, saying, "We've got to be prepared to take aggressive military action against the Iranians to stop them from killing Americans in Iraq. And to me, that would include a strike over the border into Iran." Oh, yeah... he'll make a GREAT president. MEANWHILE... Experts on Alzheimer's have predicted that cases of the disease will "quadruple by 2050." Well, at least in 2050, your Alzheimer's-stricken self won't remember any of this Iraq/Iran/Paris hullabaloo. Hmm. Okay. You probably won't remember Iraq, Iran, Rob Lowe, or even your grandchildren. But at least we'll always have Paris. (Sigh.)