MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Is they is, or is they ain't? Scandal has once again defiled the perfect coupling of hunkish Ashton Kutcher and matronly Demi Moore. As reported last week in One Day, the twosome were reportedly married in a secret Beverly Hills ceremony—OR WERE THEY? According to a confiscated email making the rounds on the internet, the ceremony may have been a grand scheme concocted by Kutcher to "punk" the entire nation into believing the two were actually married—and then broadcast the fakey wedding on his practical joke show Punk'd. The email in question was purportedly sent by Jason Goldberg, Kutcher's producing partner for the show. It reads: "Preparations for the ceremony are in full swing, and it's actually more [trouble] than preparing a real wedding, if that's possible. Please remember that not everyone attending knows that this is for the show, so bring your A-game and keep your mouth shut." Kutcher's publicists have deemed the email a fake—and yet, are still unwilling to confirm that the two are actually married. What the...?!? If homosexuals can't marry, then why should we let pathological liars? MEANWHILE... Speaking of cruel, heartless practical jokes, here's one that's actually funny. Crackpot Scientologist/dreamboat Tom Cruise is the latest internet prank victim, courtesy of a fake press release announcing his plans to lecture on the evils of psychiatry. Purportedly released by Cruise's lawyer Bertram Fields, the announcement claims the toothy actor would be speaking at the Los Angeles Scientology Celebrity Centre on topics such as "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia," and "Handling Sexual Disorientation." Cruise has repeatedly mocked modern psychiatry (hence the first "lecture" topic) and has also been accused of being... ohhhh... less than heterosexual (hence the second). Unsurprisingly, lawyer Fields pitched a hissy. "In my view, it's forgery," boo-hooed Fields. "If I can find out who did this, I certainly intend to pursue every remedy I can find." If he's looking for remedies, how about some Paxil for his client? (Oh, I forgot... Cruise is too sane to believe in that sort of stuff. Nevermind.)
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 Military prison guard/amateur comedian Lynndie England was sentenced today to a well-deserved three years in prison and dishonorable discharge after being convicted of humiliating Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison. Busted for posing in pictures where she gave the double-finger salute to a prisoner's genitals, England blamed the Svengali-like charms of her then boyfriend and abuse ringleader Private Charles Graner. According to England, "[Graner] was very charming, funny and, at the same time, it looked like he was interested in the same things I was." We hear you, girlfriend. It's so hard to find someone who loves romantic walks on the beach, candlelit dinners, and leading naked prisoners around on a leash.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Ouch! It was another tough day for Republicans when two of their finest (?) ended up embarrassing the entire party. Today Republican House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been indicted for allegedly conspiring to launder $190,000 in corporate donations through the Republican National Committee in order to get Republican candidates elected in Texas. Oddly, the same person who lambasted President Clinton on a regular basis, didn't take kindly to the news of his indictment. "This is one of the weakest, most baseless indictments in American history," bellyached DeLay. "It's a charge that cannot hold up even under the most glancing scrutiny." We suppose that's why you've been forced to resign your post, asshole. Buh-BYE. MEANWHILE... Former Republican Education Secretary William Bennett experienced a slip of the tongue today, when he announced over the radio that national crime rates would fall if America aborted all black babies. The remark was inspired by a call-in listener of Bennett's conservative talk show, who postulated that Social Security finances would be better off if abortion wasn't legal. Bennett responded by saying, "If you wanted to reduce crime, you could. If that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country and your crime rate would go down." Bennett then tried to back-peddle on his statement while simultaneously driving his racist point home. "That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do—but your crime rate would go down." The Bush Administration was quick to shoot down Bennett's remarks. "We would NEVER suggest anything like that," they said. "I mean... c'mon! We hate abortion!"
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 Weeks after being caught on video snorting up lines of coke, model/skeleton Kate Moss has checked herself into rehab. Choosing one of our personal favorite kick-the-habit spas—the posh Meadows Clinic in Phoenix, Arizona—Moss is determined to salvage the wreck of her career after getting fired from being the emaciated face of H&M, Chanel, and Burberry. Best of luck to Moss, and One Day wishes her a speedy recovery. (Confidential to the Meadows Clinic Staff: Be sure to check every box of toothpicks—she may try an escape!)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Is there no romance left? Paris Hilton has decided that it is incredibly silly for someone named Paris to marry someone named Paris after all. Consequently, and surprising to no one, she has called off her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis. Us Weekly—which has broken more news lately than The Washington Post—says her statement went as follows: "I'm sad to announce that I've called off my engagement. Over the last couple months I've realized that this is the right decision for me. We remain best of friends, and I'll always love him. I hope people will respect my privacy during this emotional time." We do respect your privacy, Paris. And if you want to stay out of the limelight, we will support you 100 percent. We'll miss you. And don't worry; we have your videotape, which we can watch if the withdrawal gets to be too much.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1 Scientist Leo Sternbach, the inventor of Valium, has died. He was 97. A moment of silence, please. And if you have any of his product please send it to Ann Romano, care of the Portland Mercury. We'll make sure it is incorporated into a very stunning memorial.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2 Drunken party girl Tara Reid is tired of being referred to by the media as a drunken party girl. The truth is, she's a bit out of sorts in the wake of her reality show Taradise being canceled. And what better way to begin to reform one's image, than to lash out at the media? "How many more years are the media going to pick on me?" she recently demanded of a reporter. [Answer: Five more years.] "There's other new young bad girls. [Right. Paris Hilton. Lindsay Lohan. But even they seem to have—dare we speak it aloud?—matured over the summer. You just have no idea how hard it is to find a good drunken party girl. Especially one who will go so far as to make, say, a reality show in which said girl drinks and parties and makes an ass out of herself in exotic locations.] Move on to someone else! I'm just fed up. I just want a chance again. [This is about Carson Daly, isn't it? Honey, you have got to get over him.] I want to show that I am an actress." [You were so good in Van Wilder.] She continued: "People think I am just a party girl, and it's bull. [Sorry? Did you mean bullshit?] I wish the media would just tell the truth. [The truth: Tara Reid is a drunken party girl.] I didn't want to look like a total party-girl drug retard. I'm not a drunk... I don't have a drinking problem. I don't have a drug problem, for sure." [Confidential to the Meadows Clinic Staff: Leave the lights on. She'll be checking in by Friday.]