MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Happy Valentine's Day, lovers! And rest assured that the denizens of Hollyweird spent their day showing us what "love" is really all about: (1) Lindsay Lohan sneaks through bushes to get to former gal pal Samantha Ronson! Radar Online is tattling that LiLo, who "COINCIDENTALLY" owns a town home directly adjoining her ex-girlfriend's, was caught sneaking out of SamRo's place through the bushes early this morning. We assume they were having sex—otherwise, Samantha should check to see if there's any jewelry missing. (2) Paris Hilton's boyfriend of the millisecond Cy Waits gave the heiress/former porn star the most romantic present ever: a brand-new, bright yellow $375,000 Lexus LFA. Not only can the car top 200 MPH, but it also comes equipped with a vaheena shield for exiting the vehicle sans panties. Oh, Cy! You think of everything! (3) Elisabetta Canalis—the admittedly beautiful, man-stealing harpy who ripped the beloved George Clooney from our white-knuckled grasp—says she'll do anything for her hunky BF... except bear his children. "[Getting pregnant has] never been an objective for me," the Italian model/trollop told Cosmo. "My maternal desires are fully satisfied with my dogs." Confidential to George Clooney: Not only will we bear you 19 children, we'll throw in a set of steak knives. (4) Sarah Jessica Parker says she's interested in making Sex and the City III—because she's obviously planning another Valentine's Day massacre.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Who should Lindsay Lohan turn to for advice? Apparently, Charlie Sheen thinks it should be Charlie Sheen! The hooker-humping boozehound took yet another break from his grueling in-home rehab to offer Linds some advice on The Dan Patrick Show: "Work on your impulse control. Just try to think things through a little bit before you do them." LISTEN TO WHAT CHARLIE IS SAYING, LINDSAY! For example, when you suspect the porn star in your hotel suite has stolen your watch? Just think for a second... and then throw the girl in a closet and snort up all the cocaine in the room. Your ensuing drug- and booze-fueled freakout will cause hotel staff to call the police, and your watch will eventually be returned! (Who needs Dr. Phil when Dr. Charlie's in the house?)
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16 If anybody knows the number of a good exorcist, can you give Billy Ray Cyrus a jingle? The failed one-hit wonder who (luckily for him) fathered teen pop sensation/salvia-smoking Miley Cyrus has been crying his eyes out to GQ magazine recently, claiming that the devil done got his daughter and that Disney and her show Hannah Montana are to blame! "I'll tell you right now," the hapless hillbilly groaned, "that damn show destroyed my family." Papa Cyrus then went on to recount an ominous omen that occurred the first time the family drove into Los Angeles, when they saw a sign that read: "Adopt-A-Highway: Atheists United." "That could have easily said, 'You will now be attacked by Satan. Entering this industry, you are now on the highway to darkness,'" moaned the goateed drama queen. Reached for comment, Satan responded, "First of all, this redneck jackass traded his soul to record 'Achy Breaky Heart.' Miley was thrown in as a freebie. Secondly, leave the atheists alone! They do a great job of cleaning up that highway!"
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17 If Billy Ray Cyrus is looking to blame something on Satan, he could start by reading this headline: "The Kardashians Made $65 Million in 2010!" The grossest family in America really cashed in on their grossness this year, raking in a cool $65 million thanks to their terrible reality shows, whorish product endorsements, olfactory-raping fragrances, unasked for public appearances, and way too much more. Megalomaniacal mom Kris Jenner explains their undeserved success thusly: "You can either be a problem maker or a problem solver. And I'm a problem solver." Apparently their problem was, "How can we—as a family of amazingly untalented do-nothings—become even more excruciatingly useless and awful? Hmm... 'strangling kittens' has already been taken, sooooo...."
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18 Last night was a big one for perpetual One Day starlet Lindsay Lohan—who was not only turned away from a party, but ended up hopping into bed once more with her on-again, off-again GF Samantha Ronson! It started when Lohan was unable to sneak into a private party at Hollywood's swank Sunset Marquis hotel, even after begging both the party's doorman and a nearby policeman. (At this point, we assume the LAPD has a dedicated officer whose job is just to follow Linds around, waiting for her to do... well, anything.) Dejected and rejected, Linds headed straight for the loving arms of old flame Samantha Ronson. "Watching grey's anatomy – my fave show – with @lindsaylohan sleeping next to me – should i wake her up to let her know her mom is going on GMA?" Ronson twatted at 6 am this morning from the Roosevelt Hotel. (Oh, let her sleep... little Lindsay's had a big day—OF REJECTION.)
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19 "I really don't believe in abortion. I think [an embryo] is a human. It's like killing a baby," Justin Bieber told Rolling Stone this week. Oh yeah? Even in cases of rape, Biebs? "Um, well, I think that's really sad, but everything happens for a reason." Oh, for chrissakes, Bieber. And for chrissakes, Rolling Stone—are you really asking a 16-year-old, pubescent pop star what he thinks of abortion? (Next up: Elle Fanning's views on the socio-political underpinnings of the toppling of Egypt's Hosni Mubarak.) IN RELATED NEWS... Bieber's handlers have been forced to stop booking him at venues with standing-room-only space, with Bieber's bodyguard, Kenneth Hamilton, noting, "You've got a mob pushing, and even if it's little girls, they're crawling on top of each other with their arms and elbows." (Eugh. What an image!) PopEater reports that in December, Bieber stopped a show "after several girls fought over a towel he threw into the audience," that last year a concert was cancelled "after fans... stampeded forward, crushing young fans against the stage," and that "Bieber has even had his own brushes with fans and had to escape on a Segway from a mob of girls chasing him before a concert last summer in Glendale, Arizona." (Note: George Clooney has never even touched a Segway.)
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Soooo, speaking of abortion.... In this week's most sordid gossip development, Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen's porn stars, is claiming that "she recently underwent an abortion, and that the baby could have been his!" Jordan told Radar Online, "I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily." She continued, "Charlie just loves his porn stars, alcohol, and drugs. He kept talking to me about his dream to live his life with all porn stars. To just go to work and come home and we would all be waiting for him in his home with his children and we would take care of them. And there would be drugs and alcohol. That's all he needs." Jordan—who also works as a spokesperson for a dating website claiming to be "the world's most effective and discreet place for finding Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby relationships"—did want to make it clear she wasn't sure it was Sheen who got her pregnant, though. "A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his," she admitted. "But I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release." Oooh! Who could it be? Did someone say... Bieber?