MONDAY, JULY 2 If you had one shred of optimism remaining for the Bush administration—here. Let us dash it upon the rocks for you. "Scooter" Libby—the former Dick Cheney chief-of-staff who was recently convicted for his involvement in the Valerie Plame case—was on his way to spending a much-deserved 30 months in prison... that is, until today when President Bush swept aside the sentence. Scooter was convicted of obstructing a federal investigation into who leaked the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame—a move that many considered to be revenge for Plame's husband criticizing the war in Iraq. And while a federal court and jury found Libby to be guilty of the crime, President Bush don't cotton to all that puttin' his pals in prison stuff. "I respect the jury's verdict," Bush said, "But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive." While Libby will still have to pay a $250,000 fine, and be on probation for two years, Paris Hilton will have served more jail time than a man who willingly helped put a CIA agent and her family's life in danger. Please, if you could, discard that last shred of optimism in the receptacle by the door. This place is getting to be such a mess.
TUESDAY, JULY 3 There isn't a writer alive who doesn't, at one time or another, doubt her ability to write. When these dark thoughts pass across our brain, there's only one thing that makes us feel better—a quick peek at Britney Spears' website! Take for example today's installment, in which der Britta finally explains the entire "beating an SUV with an umbrella incident (while bald)." Here's what she said, with spelling and grammatical errors left intact for hilarity's sake: "I apologize to the pap [paparazzi] for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a roll in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part." WOW. Did anyone understand a word of that? So when she was wailing away on that SUV, was she playing the husband? Or was she playing the wife, and the umbrella was the husband? Ooh! Maybe Britney accidentally switched places with the umbrella, while the SUV was supposed to be K.Fed! Regardless, we can't believe she didn't get that "roll." It would've been the greatest movie ever.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 4 If this headline doesn't make you proud to be "born in the USA," nothing will: "AMERICAN EATS RECORD 66 HOT DOGS IN 12 MINUTES." Whoo! In your face, starving Third World countries! We knew we were the most obese, obnoxious country in the world, and now we've got PROOF! And... uh... okay, maybe we're not so proud of that particular fact. Maybe what we need is a voice of calm reason and morality to put our country back on the path of righteousness. So c'mon, everybody! Let's head to Paris Hilton's MySpace page! "Happy Fourth of July everyone," the recently independent former jailbird wrote. "Remember to be responsible and haveadesignated driver." Notice how she didn't make any mention of alcohol? See, Paris knows that gettingshit-faced drunk is as American as getting pulled over and thrown in jail for being shit-faced drunk. That's why she didn't feel the need to mention it. However, it appears someone hasn't been reading Paris' blog—and we're looking at you, Al Gore III, the son of the former vice president! Gore #3—heretofore referred to as "Li'l Gore"—was arrested today for allegedly driving under the influence of marijuana and other prescription drugs in excess of 100 mph. The good news? He was driving a Prius! That's good for the environment... so you see? He does listen to daddy after all. (However, something tells us President Bush isn't going to be commuting his sentence.)
THURSDAY, JULY 5 Talk about independence day! We don't know what they're putting in the Tinseltown water supply, but somewhere around 200 billion celebrities announced today they were splitting up with their betrothed. Going from "don't care" to "kinda care," comedian(?) Wayne Brady is bidding adieu to spouse Mandie, icky magician Criss "Mindfreak" Angel is kicking his wifey to the curb (allegedly because of Cameron Diaz... EW!), and Top Chef hottie Padma Lakshmi declared a marital jihad on hubby/author Salman Rushdie. Moving up the food chain, Jackass Johnny Knoxville mule-kicked his wife of 12 years, Sean "H.R. Puff 'n' Daddy" Combs said good-bye to live-in girlfriend Kim Porter (and her four kids), while Jennifer Aniston finally found someone more attractive (and less hairy) than Vince Vaughn, but still less attractive than Brad Pitt—so obviously she had to call it quits. And last, but certainly not least, America's Sweetheart™ Julia Roberts has said buh-bye to the father of her twins, Danny "I was just a camera man before Julia came along, and now I'm nothing" Moder. Hey, we are on such a roll... can someone please throw a wrench in between Drew Barrymore and Zach Braff? They're gross together.
FRIDAY, JULY 6 Flagrantly defying all laws of nature and common decency, professional celebrity/anorexic Nicole Richie has gone and got herself pregnant. The best we can figure, the unholy act happened like this: First, a brave, incredibly stupid sperm (presumably from Richie's boyfriend, Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden, who somehow found Richie's desiccated genitals on her skeletal body) managed to eke its way up Richie's dry, shrunken vaginal canal,courageously forcing itself through Richie'spathetically shriveledfallopian tubes. Then—impossibly, disgustingly—it latched onto one of Richie's frail, brittle eggs. Despite the egg's cracked, scaly surface, Madden's valiant sperm managed to force itself inside, leaving an unfortunate embryo no choice but to develop within Richie's painfully emaciated uterus. Then God wept. MEANWHILE... No, wait. Sorry to go back to this, but it's like a car wreck, or an episode of Grey's Anatomy—we just can't tear ourselves away, even though we know it's going to be horrid. Life & Style magazine quotes an insider as saying "Nicole's determined to get healthy for her own sake and the baby's," but come on—we all know this is going to go horribly, horribly awry, right? (Anybody else seen The Omen? Now imagine that kid with Paris Hilton as his godmother.)
SATURDAY, JULY 7 Bet you thought Britney Spears' whole "head-shaving, umbrella-attacking, Kevin Federline-marrying, baby-dropping crazy phase" was over, right? Wrong! Britney's got herself a new man—her Alcoholics Anonymouscounselor, John Sundahl! "We are dating right now," Sundahl, a 38-year-old(ewww!) real estate developer told reporters,according to the New York Post. "I mean, she's not moving in or anything, but we are dating. It is serious." (She asked him out at one of their AA meetings! Awww!) Sundahl (38! Ew!) also claims der Britta stayed by his side while he was stuck in the hospital with an "obstructed bowel." Question: Did they check to see if it was an umbrella doing the obstructing?
SUNDAY, JULY 8 "It is time for the United States to leave Iraq," the New York Times' editorial proclaimed today. "President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have used demagoguery and fear to quell Americans' demands for an end to this war. They say withdrawing will create bloodshed and chaos and encourage terrorists. Actually, all of that has already happened—the result of this unnecessary invasion and the incompetent management of this war." The Times' harsh criticism capped off a week of developments involving Iraq—with no less than five GOP senators breaking ranks to demand troop withdrawals, a Wired blog revealing that the Defense Department is paying "upwards of $12 billion a month" to maintain operations in Iraq and Afghanistan, and a truck bomb loaded with 4.5 tons of explosives killing at least 150. (Just in case you thought everything couldn't get any worse, just remember—Nicole Richie is still pregnant! The Times is expected to offer a similarly vitriolic condemnation of her pregnancy shortly.)