MONDAY, MARCH 7 "After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen's services on Two and a Half Men—effective immediately." After reading that carefully worded press release from the studio today, actor Charlie Sheen responded by releasing his own, not-so-carefully worded release. "This is very good news," Sheen confusingly replied. "They continue to be in breach, like so many whales [Whaaaa?—Ann]. Now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again [Ha!—Ann] and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension." [Annnd once again, he's lost us... but he's totes right about those bowling shirts. They're a crime against humanity.—Ann] MEANWHILE... The Warner Bros. legal department is working overtime to protect their "bazillions" from what will surely be an entertaining lawsuit from Team Sheen. They say the firing was legit because of a clause in Chuckle's contract claiming they can fire any performer who commits "a felony offense involving moral turpitude." In non-legalese, they're accusing Charlie of snorting blow, offering it to others, and bragging about it in the national press, which in turn interfered with the actor's ability to do his job. Yes, BUT! Charlie can counter by saying it was actually their ridiculous bowling shirts that were doing all the "interfering"! (OMG! Why did we give up law school?! Oh yeah, because we like to drink and read fashion magazines all day.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 8 As threatened yesterday, Team Sheen has announced they are suing Warner Bros. for... hmm, let's see... oh! Just $100 million. (That should keep him in "tiger blood" for a year or two.) When asked why such an exorbitant amount, Sheen texted to People magazine, "Put yourself in my shoes for one warlock nanosecond [Oh jeez... here we go again...—Ann]. At some point there is nothing to say. Only war to wage... the winds are howling tonight. The gods are hungry. The beast is alive. And awake. And deadly." Ever get the feeling he'd say the same thing to describe his lunch plans? MEANWHILE... So since Charlie's been fired from Two and a Half Men, he's got to make some money somehow, right? That's why he's publishing a book of... umm... poetry. "It's got the best title ever," he said during tonight's particularly ranty webisode of Sheen's Korner, "Apocalypse Me: The Jaws of Life. I'm going to get this thing out on Amazon and Kindle to save the trees. I'm going to marry a tree because the other type of marriage didn't work so I'm going to marry a tree." You know, Charlie Sheen's given us a lot of laughs over the past two weeks—but at this point? Let's just all back away slowly, okay?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9 Yay! Hottie Justin Timberlake and the unlikeably bland Jessica Biel have finally broken up, leaving the pathway clear for a certain winsome gossip columnist to swoop in for some smoochies. (That is, if a certain Mr. Clooney doesn't call dibs on her first?) MEANWHILE... Tinseltown turd Mel Gibson has pled "no contest" to the charge of misdemeanor battery against his ex-gal pal Oksana Grigorieva—but won't go to jail, probably because there isn't a prison big enough to hold his ego. MEANWHILE... According to PopEater, little Suri Cruise (intergalactic progeny to grand thetan Tom Cruise and Stepford Wife Katie Holmes) is nearly five years old yet still sucks on a pacifier. "Your future earthly dictator can suck on whatever she wants," howled an enraged Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, tentacles waving in fury. "In fact, within a few years, you'll all be sucking... on the glorious teat of Scientology! See what I did there? BOW BEFORE MY CLEVER TURN OF PHRASE!!"
THURSDAY, MARCH 10 Late today a 9.0 megathrust earthquake occurred off the coast of Japan, triggering a tsunami that produced waves up to 33 feet tall, sweeping as far as six miles inland. At press time over 3,000 people have been officially reported killed, 2,000 injured, with 7,500 still missing—though these numbers are probably very low. Roughly 9,500 from Minamisanriku in Miyagi Prefecture—or about half the town—are currently unaccounted for. The extent of the damage is unquestionably massive, with a lowball assessment in monetary terms being tens of billions of US dollars. Please give what you can to the relief fund; a good place to start is at redcross.org.
FRIDAY, MARCH 11 Meanwhile, in far less important news... After an agonizing two days of waiting, it appears we might finally have a reason why Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are dunzo! That reason's name? Mila Kunis, AKA "The Pretty One from That '70s Show," AKA "That Girl from Black Swan Who Totally Went Downtown on Queen Amidala." (That last one is courtesy of Hubby Kip, who has, at last count, seen both Black Swan and Star Trek Movie #3292 or Whatever about three million times.) Adding fuel to the Kunis-as-homewrecker rumor? The fact that she and JT recently acted together in a film... a film titled Friends with Benefits. (FYI, that sound you just heard? It was Jessica Biel facepalming.)
SATURDAY, MARCH 12 In what was prophesied in the Book of Revelation as an unquestionable sign of the apocalypse, idiotic blabbermouth Tyra Banks has announced she's been attending Harvard Business School since last year. Banks explained to CBS, "When people have low expectations, you're just constantly going, 'Ta-da!' And they're like, 'Wow.' It doesn't take a lot to wow them when they have low expectations." In related news, Harvard's admissions department has been fired. MEANWHILE... Quentin Tarantino is suing his neighbor, True Blood creator Alan Ball, over Ball's "exotic bird menagerie," which hyper ol' QT insists has "severely disrupted [his] ability to work as a writer in his home." Tarantino complains Ball's birds let loose screams that are "blood curdling," "obnoxious," and (this one's good) "pterodactyl like"... yet the director fails to bring up the very real possibility that those aren't birdcalls at all, but rather the anguished shrieks of innocent people chained up in Ball's squalid basement, forced to watch hour after hour of True Blood.
SUNDAY, MARCH 13 Charlie Sheen's parade of increasingly unfunny and annoying jackassery continued this weekend, with Sheen announcing plans for a live tour, tentatively titled The Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option Show. "I'm going on the road. LIVE," Sheen wrote. "This IS where you will hear the REAL story from the Warlock. Bring it. I dare you to keep up with me." One celeb who took Sheen up on his offer to "bring it" was 30 Rock's Alec Baldwin, who wrote an article for the Huffington Post giving Sheen some advice. "No actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit," Baldwin counseled. "Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it's not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck [Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men] and CBS? Beg for America's forgiveness. They will give it to you." He concluded by advising Sheen to buy his former costar Jon Cryer—who Sheen has referred to as a "turncoat, a traitor, [and] a troll"—a "really nice car." Good advice. MEANWHILE... In regard to meltdowns that actually matter, it appears the unimaginable earthquake in Japan—in addition to triggering a devastating tsunami—has critically damaged no fewer than three reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station, causing what the New York Times terrifyingly referred to as "the worst nuclear accident since Chernobyl." On the downside, dears, we might be on the verge of a nuclear apocalypse. On the upside? At least no one's going to have to worry about making it through Charlie Sheen's road show.