MONDAY, MARCH 14 Welcome to One Day at a Time, where our primary concern is sweeping up the sloppy seconds of jilted Tinselturd starlets—this week starring poooooooor Jessica Biel, who not only has the personality of a piece of chalk with Asperger's, but has also been dumped by the absolutely dreamboaty Justin Timberlake. As mentioned last week, when this relationship snapped, the tabs were all too quick to point the home-wrecking finger at JT's Friends with Benefits co-star, Mila Kunis. "NOT TRUE," now say multiple sources, including one who tattled to Us magazine, "In fact, no one came between them. They decided their relationship ran its course and it was time to move on." UMMM, "source"? You're fired. If we want to be bored shitless by a quote, we'll call Jessica Biel. Burrrrrrn. (Is insulting a man's ex the fastest way to his heart? If so, we're on the bullet train!) MEANWHILE... Also as mentioned last week, actor Alec "The Good One" Baldwin wrote an essay for the Huffington Post offering unemployed and hard-headed addict Charlie Sheen the following sane advice: "Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it's not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck [Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men]... and CBS? Beg for America's forgiveness. They will give it to you." Naturally, a friend of Charlie's told PopEater that Sheen would be doing no such thing. "Charlie believes no one is smarter than he is," the friend said. "He's certainly not going to take any advice from Alec. As far as Charlie is concerned, Alec should shut up, sit down, and keep eating." While Alec refused to "shut up," he did agree to "sit down, and keep eating," which will be easy for him, because, unlike Charlie, he's still getting a paycheck.
TUESDAY, MARCH 15 The terror of last week's earthquake/tsunami in Japan continues to yield devastating results—including a nuclear crisis at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station where three reactors have been critically damaged as workers furiously struggle to avoid further radiation leakage. Back home, comedian Gilbert Gottfried did his part to help out Japan... by twatting some unwelcome jokes: "Japan is really advanced," the comedian twatted, "They don't go to the beach, the beach comes to them." And: "I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, 'They'll be another one floating by any minute now.'" Unsurprisingly, the outcry was swift and certain, and Gottfried was quickly fired as spokesperson for insurance provider Aflac, for whom he'd been doing the voice of that annoying duck since 2000. "There is no place for anything but compassion and concern during these difficult times," said Aflac Chief Marketing Officer Michael Zuna on the firing. IN RELATED NEWS... Actress Sandra Bullock—who we cruelly insult on a semiweekly basis... primarily in regard to her mustache, and because we hate her—has donated a whopping $1 million to relief efforts in Japan. ARRRRRGGHHH!!! Want... to ... make... joke... but... can't! Feelings... of... love... for ... Bullock... and... remorse... for... our... previous... stupid... jokes... are... overwhelming! (Crap. We think this may even make up for The Blind Side!)
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16 In Scientology news, future grand thetan and mega-despot of the universe four-year-old Suri Cruise was photographed holding a box of "Penis Gummies" (yes, penis-shaped gummy candies). Naturally, we'd love to end the story right there—but in the interest of journalistic fairness, we'd better get a quick quote from Scientology intergalactic spokesmonster Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom," the emperor emphatically gushed, using his eight flailing tentacles to shove Penis Gummies into his mouth. "Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!" (Translated: "Don't knock 'em 'til you've tried 'em.")
THURSDAY, MARCH 17 You've probably been wondering how Charlie Sheen's search for a "social media intern" has been going. As you recall from previous One Day columns, this position will be critical to the growing Sheen empire, because doing all that Twattering and Facebooking is really cutting into Chuck's "winning" and "warlocking" time. Well, you'll be shocked to hear that a staggering 74,000 idiots have actually applied for the job (Seriously?? The economy is still that bad??), and Sheen is apparently advancing a few applicants to the "second round." And, in a shocking turn of events, the top contender for the internship is porn star Isis Taylor. According to her resume, Isis has extensive social media skills, terrific references, and has starred in such films as Bombshell Bottoms 5, Squirtamania, Snort that Cum 8, and Bree & Teagan—wait. As in, Bree Olson? As in, the same Bree Olson who's currently one of Charlie's live-in "goddesses"? (Hey, Hubby Kip! You can forget that internship you applied for—unless one of your "references" is a coke dealer.)
FRIDAY, MARCH 18 Helium-voiced comedienne Victoria Jackson—formerly of Saturday Night Live, and more recently of WorldNetDaily, the right-wing site that's home to Ann Coulter and where Chuck Norris writes think pieces like "Obamacare's Baby Death Panels, Part II"—is really steamed about Glee, you guys! In a rambling piece that went after Muslims, progressives, communists, the liberal media, and god knows who else, Jackson saved a special dollop of bigotry for everyone on Glee. "Did you see Glee this week?" she asked. "Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians—again!" Dear, we're also fed up with Glee (though, it should be said, for very different reasons—most of them having to do with Gwyneth Paltrow), but you're giving the show too much credit. Glee's pubescent dweebs are just singing and being annoying, dear—you're the one who's making a mockery of Christians.
SATURDAY, MARCH 19 "I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship... and they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection," Van Halen's Sammy Hagar claims in his new ghostwritten autobiography, Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock. "That's right. It was real," the 63-year-old rocker confirmed to MTV. "It was a download situation. This was long before... any kind of wireless. There weren't even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, 'Fuck, they downloaded something into me!' Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. 'See what this guy knows.' That happened. That friggin' happened, I'll tell you right now." MEANWHILE... "Damn straight it friggin' happened!" agreed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, who insisted on weighing in on the matter, despite being "very busy" with some "extensive training sessions" to prepare Scientologist Kirstie Alley for her upcoming appearance on Dancing with the Stars. "We had to get Hagar's brain, see, because the sentient plasma cloud L. Ron has leveled into loves to karaoke 'Why Can't This Be Love,'" Klaktu explained. "He also enjoys 'lesser' Van Halen, such as 'Hot for Teacher,' 'Jump,' 'Panama,' and 'Runnin' with the Devil.' The devil is Paul Haggis, by the way. Oh, also! Ann, be a sweetheart and holotransfer me a few more crates of Penis Gummies? Kirstie and I just cannot stop with these things!"
SUNDAY, MARCH 20 Following her most recent clashes with the law, Lindsay Lohan wants to go back to jail! Well... sort of. "If she loses at trial, she could get more than a year in jail for the probation violation... plus prison time for the felony grand theft," reports TMZ. LiLo—who, you'll recall, cried like a drunken baby when she was last in the slammer—is rumored to be considering a plea bargain, which could only result in a mere 19 days in the joint! Lindsay, if you're reading this—and we know you are—please take the plea bargain! If you're in Sing Sing for a whole year, we're going to have to come up with even more Charlie Sheen jokes. We know, we know—you'd think it'd be easy, right? But trust us: Just like Suri's Penis Gummies, they run out a lot faster than you'd think.