MONDAY, JULY 9 Some days are better than others. However, July 9 is one of the greatest days in human history, because a veritable poop-ton of Hollywood's glitziest celebs chose this day to be born! So with that in mind... Happy Birthday, Tom Hanks! If you hadn't been born, we wouldn't have Philadelphia or Bosom Buddies. Happy Birthday, O.J. Simpson! If you hadn't been born, there's a very good chance at least two people would still be alive. Happy Birthday, Courtney Love! [See O.J. Simpson above, and change the word "two" to "one."] Happy Birthday, Jimmy Smits! Seriously now... who did you blow to get in that Star Wars movie? And Happy Birthday, Chris Cooper, Brian Dennehy, Jack White, Fred Savage, and John Tesh! If you guys had never been born—well, it wouldn't have been such a loss. Except for Fred Savage, who was great in The Wonder Years! We really should have sent a card. MEANWHILE... Former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken got into a minor shoving match with a woman on an airplane after he put his foot up on her armrest. Or maybe because she confused him with Carrot Top.
TUESDAY, JULY 10 GAY DEBATE! GAY DEBATE! WE DEMAND A GAY DEBATE! Oh... we're getting one? That's fabulous! For the first time ever, leading presidential candidates will be duking it out in a televised debate devoted SOLELY to issues affecting the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and tranny communities. (Did we leave anyone out?) So far Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, and Chris Dodd will be there—although we're sure Mitt Romney will sign up as soon as he can find a condom that will cover his entire body. Questioning the candidates will be Human Rights campaign president Joe Solmonese... and singer Melissa Ethridge?? OH, COME ON, GAY PEOPLE. If you want to help bring straight people into this century, then stop living in the last one. That means no Melissa Ethridge, no Kylie Minogue, and no Indigo Girls. (However, the Weather Girls are still okay. "It's raining men! Hallelujah!") MEANWHILE... We're just going to reprint the first paragraph of this story from CBS news in Los Angeles: "A Chewbacca impersonator is accused of sexually assaulting a Marilyn Monroe impersonator in front of the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. The wookiee then reportedly evaded arrest, police said." Really, what more is there to say?
WEDNESDAY, JULY 11 Though this may come as a shock, activist/director Michael Moore got very angry today at CNN's Wolf Blitzer after the news network aired a report which cast doubt on some of the facts in his new movie about our broken health care system, Sicko. In fact, he got so angry, Moore went on an 11-minute diatribe against CNN, which included the following: "That report was so biased, I can't imagine which pharmaceutical company ad is coming up right after our break. All the statistics show that we have far worse healthcare than these other industrialized countries. We're the only ones that don't have it free and universal." But did he stop there? OH, NO! Moore then went on to lay into CNN for ignoring its duties while reporting on the war in Iraq. "You're the ones who are fudging the facts," Moore said. "You've fudged the facts to the American people now for I don't know how long about the war. And I'm just curious, when are you gonna just stand there and apologize to the American people for not bringing the truth to them that isn't sponsored by some major corporation?" While CNN didn't say they were sorry for any fact fudging about the war, they did apologize to viewers for allowing Moore's rant to cut into commercial time purchased by Halliburton.
THURSDAY, JULY 12 As you undoubtedly already know, worldwide celebrities David and Victoria Beckham are moving to America, and... uhh... what do you mean "you've never heard of them?!" They are only the closest thing to British royalty you'll never meet, and apparently, David plays soccer or something. Plus Victoria was once in the Spice Girls! Now don't you feel stupid for not recognizing their immense popularity? The next time you want to dazzle us with your ignorance, try not to do it in the middle of one of our stories, hmmmm? Moving on. So our question for you is, "What are you getting David and Victoria for their 'Welcome to America' gift?" Well, unless it's three new very expensive cars, then you may as well not bother! You see, actor/Scientologist Tom Cruise is welcoming the pair to our country with a brand new Bentley Continental GT convertible, a DUB Edition Cadillac Escalade, as well as a DUB Edition Lincoln Navigator. Why, you ask? HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING?? David and Victoria Beckham coming to America is like Jesus, the Beatles, Elvis Presley, and a nude Jessica Alba all rolled together into one gigantic Cinnabon! They need at least three SUVs just to contain their awesomeness! (That, and Cruise is trying to bribe them into becoming Scientologists.)
FRIDAY, JULY 13 Today the man least likely to win a presidential election, Dennis Kucinich, criticized John Edwards—another candidate who has an equally dismal chance at becoming president. It's like watching two pre-schoolers fight: totally futile, totally adorable. When Kucinich got wind that Edwards and Hillary Clinton wanted to ensure future presidential forums had less participants and a "more serious and smaller group" (that's code for "Let's not invite Dennis!"), the diminutive candidate immediately paused his Fellowship of the Ring DVD to accuse Edwards of "trying to rig an election." After being told to "cool off," he had some milk and cookies, restarted his movie, and cheered as Frodo and Sam escaped the Dark Riders. MEANWHILE... Today two Republican senators, Virginia's John W. Warner and Indiana's Richard G. Lugar, declared that President Bush should reduce American forces in Iraq. Realizing that even his own party is turning against him, Bush needed some cheering up. He called Dennis Kucinich's mom and asked if he could come over and hang out with Dennis. They are currently midway through both a bag of Cheetos and Return of the King.
SATURDAY, JULY 14 Even Iraq wants us out of Iraq! Today Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki announced that American troops can leave "any time they want." Meanwhile, according the Associated Press, one of al-Maliki's top aides accused the US of "violating human rights and treating his country like an 'experiment in a US lab.'" Another aide then politely advised us not to let the door hit us in the ass on our way out.
SUNDAY, JULY 15 Do you enjoy both law and order? If yes, brace yourself for some bad news: NBC might have to curtail its planned repeats of Law & Order if star Fred D. Thompson decides to run for president, as showing Law & Order would force NBC to give "equal time to other candidates running for president," the Washington Post reports. Worst-case scenario, NBC will cancel reruns of Law & Order if Thompson decides to run. Best-case scenario, they'll give each of the candidates their own TV show in order to make up for the disparity. Hillary could replace Rosie on The View, John McCain could remake Major Dad, Rudy Guilliani could be green screened into some old Spin City repeats, Mitt Romney could guest on a very special episode of Seventh Heaven, and Barack Obama could be on whatever show he'd like (as long as it's on the CW). We would so TiVo that.