SCARLETT JOHANSSON Cobra attack!

MONDAY, MARCH 28 Today a venomous Egyptian cobra escaped from the Bronx Zoo in New York City—which is unfortunate, because if we had our way, that cobra would be slithering around the romantic hotspots of Tinselturd, biting and poisoning the shit out of lovesick celebs like Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson! As balefully reported last week, ScarJo and SePe are definitely an item, despite the fact that it totally grosses the rest of us out. This week, according to Us, they were spotted in a public canoodle sesh at Jimmy's Bar in Hollyweird, where the pair ordered gin and tonics, pizza, and a club sandwich (watch that figure, dear), and Scarlett couldn't keep her batting, goo-goo eyes off the decrepit actor. BLECCHHHH!! But it gets worse: "It wasn't until their table was cleared that she hopped on Sean's lap and the pair made out for 15 minutes." FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! That's enough to put Jeffrey Dahmer off his soup. ATTACK, EGYPTIAN COBRA! ATTACK!! MEANWHILE... Mostly annoying pop singer Katy Perry has a Christian mother who does not like her daughter's boobs. Mary Perry Hudson, who is a Christian evangelist and sounds like a total drag, has proposed a book on how her daughter has ruined everything for everyone—but she's really disappointed in the boobs. "No mother wants to see the tops of her daughter's boobs," Hudson wrote after seeing Katy in one of her trademark skimpy outfits. "Oh, dear God, how can I save her from all this? The money, the fame, the network, the people surrounding her... how can I compete?" You don't have to compete, Mrs. Hudson. Simply remain still, while the MISSING EGYPTIAN COBRA SINKS HIS FANGS INTO YOUR FLESH! Attack, my slithering slave! ATTACK!

TUESDAY, MARCH 29 Still no sign of that cobra—however, some raunchy pictures of former pop diva Christina Aguilera have been located. Will that do? Someone trying to sell a digital storage card featuring intimate photos of Aguilera to Radar Online supposedly "found" the card just laying around in a French hotel room (uh-huh), and while none of the photos were graphically explicit (yay!) a few were... shall we say... umm... grotesque? Here are some choice scenarios depicted in the pictures: Christina pictured with two nude male strippers. Christina drunkenly dancing on a table. Christina at a goat farm (we don't even want to know). Christina miming oral sex on a man holding a sex toy. Christina miming oral sex on a chocolate-covered banana. Christina miming oral sex on a missing Egyptian cobra. She fell for our ruse! ATTACK, MY PRETTY! ATTACK!!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 30 While his performance on last night's Dancing with the Stars may have gone off without a hitch, R&B star/woman-beater Chris Brown's backstage reception was a wee bit chilly. Dancing regular Cheryl Burke had this to say about Brown's appearance: "As a victim of domestic violence, I don't agree with him coming on the show, but it's out of my control." A Dancing insider told Pop Eater, "Usually when a big star comes in to sing, the entire cast is excited to meet them... with Chris, no one wanted to be around." And while she may not want to become his best pal, the object of Brown's brutality—pop star and former girlfriend Rihanna—had this to say to Rolling Stone about her decision to relax the restraining order against him. "What he did to me was a personal thing," Rihanna said about the attack, and how it affected Brown's reputation in the industry. "It had nothing to do with his career. We don't have to talk again ever in my life. I just didn't want to make it more difficult for him professionally." And while he may or may not deserve it (we definitely think he doesn't), that is your daily dose of forgiveness. Well played, Rihanna. You're a class act.

THURSDAY, MARCH 31 It's been two weeks—TWO WEEKS!—since future Grand Thetan and Mega-Despot of the Universe Suri Cruise was photographed holding a box of "Penis Gummies"... and it's only now that mother/Scientology Stepford Wife Katie Holmes is getting around to addressing it. What do you have to say for yourself, Katie?? "Recently I took Suri to get some ice cream," Holmes told a rightfully skeptical Ellen DeGeneres, "We go in and are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified." Naturally, we asked Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII for a response, and were told the following: "What? You're not making an Egyptian cobra joke here? It's the perfect opportunity, Ann. Go on—make a penis/cobra joke about a little girl!" Goddamn it. We hate being shamed by an alien with 13 tentacles.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1 In keeping with annoying, unfunny tradition, today was the least funny, most annoying day of the year. First in "News You Wish Was an April Fool's Joke, But Sadly Isn't": Just when you thought breast cancer couldn't be any more horrible, horse-faced sad-sack Jennifer Aniston has plans to make it even worse! According to the BBC, Aniston, alongside Demi Moore and Alicia Keys, will "direct short films about breast cancer, due to be aired on US cable network Lifetime." Sheesh. This sounds even worse than that prostate-exam comedy David Schwimmer was threatening to make a few years back. ONWARD... Next in "News You Wish Was an April Fool's Joke, But Sadly Isn't": Reality star Donald Trump has joined the humiliatingly ignorant "birther" movement, announcing he's "really concerned" about President Barack Obama's country of birth. "Why doesn't he show his birth certificate?" he asked the bickering ladies on The View, before going on Good Morning America to proclaim, "The reason I have a little doubt—just a little—is because he grew up and nobody knew him." "He could have been born outside this country!" he loudly insisted on Fox News. "Why can't he produce a birth certificate?!" AND FINALLY... In the coup de grâce of "News You Wish Was an April Fool's Joke, But Sadly Isn't": Donald Trump is planning on running for president in 2012.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2 Speaking of annoying jackasses, Charlie Sheen's "My Violent Torpedo of Truth: Defeat Is Not an Option" tour kicked off tonight in, fittingly, the long-suffering city of Detroit. "Sheen was booed off stage by a hostile crowd after delivering a poorly planned show filled with faux-Biblical preaching and extended musical clips," wrote the Hollywood Reporter, which sent an unfortunate writer to join the show's 5,000 attendees. "There's a certain trainwreck fascination in watching a meltdown in progress, but this anthropological study of the homo loco species wore thin very fast," the Reporter continued. "The [crowd's] booing, and the shouts of 'loser' and 'you suck' grew more insistent, and the walkouts increased," the Reporter noted, adding Sheen "opened up to audience questions and then deflected most of them as too lame as to merit his attention, the chief exception being from a young woman who requested to come up onstage for a hug." (Confidential to "Young Woman in Detroit": Get yourself tested, dear. Like, stat.) "There were promises of 'A night of pure magic, a night of winning,'" according to the Reporter. "But despite Sheen's assurance several times that things were about to get radical, they just got boring." The moral, dears? Good god, 5,000 people paid money to see Charlie Sheen.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3 "Fox News' Geraldo Rivera was caught in the crossfire in Libya on Sunday, when rebel forces and the Libyan military started attacking each other," reports the Huffington Post. "Rivera's cameras caught him running for cover as the sound of continuous weapon fire could be heard in the background. He said on Sunday's Fox and Friends that he had feared for his life." "They have the fire discipline of an LA street gang," Rivera said. "It was really very worrisome." While there's no news on how Rivera's Magnum, P.I. mustache felt about the encounter—GET ON IT, CNN!—we'd like to offer that brave Libyan sniper, whoever he or she might be, a round-trip ticket to the United States. We already have a seat reserved for them in the nosebleed section of Charlie Sheen's next venue! (And if that fails? ATTACK, MY SWEET SERPENT OF VENGEANCE! ATTACK!)