MONDAY, MARCH 13 These days we spend a lot of time thinking about plastic surgery. Not for us, of course, darling, because we are perfect. No. We're worried about Angelina Jolie. It's devastating to see the constant stream of photographs of Angie's expanding waistline, as that fetus of hers grows, bullying its way around her uterus, expanding her belly like she is some average suburban mom with child-breeding hips and a Xanax addiction. Frankly, we are starting to feel a little resentful toward Brad for his part in this whole business. Not resentful like Jen is resentful, but still. It's hard enough to get fat, but can you imagine what all this belly stretching is doing to Angie's abdominal tattoos? It's a derma-Holocaust. According to super-brainy Star magazine, one tattoo, writ large in Latin just below Angie's grotesquely bulging bellybutton, reads, "Quod me nutrit me destruit," which everyone knows means, "What nourishes me also destroys me." Or, "I depend on the paparazzi for fame and millions, yet resent the constant invasion of my privacy." Naturally, it will go during the tummy tuck.
TUESDAY, MARCH 14 Here's some depressing news: Michael Bolton is still sexy. The most unlikely celebrity since Chang and Eng has announced his engagement to Nicollette Sheridan. And so for the umpteenth time in his career, Bolton has left those of us in the gossip class scratching our coiffed heads in befuddlement. What is this guy's secret? He continues to sell albums with his sensitive pop music and balding pate. It's a national tragedy. Not only because the music makes us want to become a Scientologist and embark on an immediate Purification Rundown (ingesting cooking oil and niacin then sitting in a sauna for four hours), but because he is giving false hope to high school jazz-choir geeks who think they might transform all that incessant crooning into a viable pop career. Well, listen up jazz-choir geeks: He's a fluke. There's no accounting for it. He should not be famous. So put down your sheet music for Christ's sake and do something macho. Like drama club. Or yearbook.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15 Clubbing baby seals? Not the most popular pastime. We mean, baby seal clubbers probably really enjoy it, but most of the rest of us find it a tad icky. Not Canada! They want to encourage MORE baby seal clubbing. Bring it on! The government announced today that registered sealers will be allowed to kill up to 325,000 pups in the ice floes off the Atlantic when the annual season opens, up from the quota of 320,000 last year. Canada says that the seals are killed humanely (because nothing says compassion like a pick through the skull), though videos posted on the Humane Society and International Fund for Animal Welfare websites show the pups being clubbed to death, some left choking on their own vomit, or being skinned alive. Oh Canada, must you lie to us, too? The government's announcement comes just two weeks after Paul McCartney took to the ice floes in the Gulf of St. Lawrence to pose with adorable pups in an effort to end the hunt through the pure power of cuteness. Maybe if your friend Michael Bolton had made an effort, it all would have had a different outcome.
THURSDAY, MARCH 16 So you know how Tara Reid had that terrible boob job back in 2003? Well, the Senate has made a similar error in largess. Today they raised the federal debt limit to nearly $9 trillion (that's like 400 Neverland Ranches!) so that they could narrowly approve a $2.8 trillion election-year budget. Who says that Republicans can't relate to the working poor? They've just trotted right into one of those payday loan places and walked out flush with rent cash. You can't learn what that feels like in a book. Hey! You know what would REALLY make them feel like the working poor? Losing their jobs.
FRIDAY, MARCH 17 The maelstrom surrounding creepy P.I. Anthony Pellicano continues! And you know what we love more than tarty starlets getting groped in elevators? Alleged, illegal wiretapping of celebrities! Page Six reports that Pellicano taped Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise talking on the phone shortly after they announced they were splitting in February 2001. Let's just pause and imagine what that conversation was like... okay, let's continue. So whom was Pellicano working for? Cruise! Kidman's lawyer says that they swept all of her phones and installed an encryption device, so it couldn't have been tapped on her end. And Cruise's lawyer often used Pellicano's shady services. Cruise tapped his own phone! Katie, honey, have you met Michael Bolton? We hear he's really nice. And he's not married yet.
SATURDAY, MARCH 18 This is very disturbing. Today we read in the Star that new gossip pages mainstay Michael Bolton is strong-arming Nicollette into giving up meat. Apparently the singing Svengali is a vegan. (You're not surprised at all, are you?) "He's pushing Nicollette to give up meat because watching her eat a lamb chop grosses him out," Star quotes a friend saying. Boo hoo, Michael Bolton! How do you think the rest of us feel listening to your sensitive lyrics and pained vocals? Did you ever think that your gentle crooning and bare, sexy forearms might drive a woman WILD? Might make her question EVERYTHING? But NO. You can't even be bothered to answer your fan mail, can you Michael Bolton? Personally, we'd rather watch a baby seal get clubbed on the head and choke on its own vomit than buy your new CD.
SUNDAY, MARCH 19 Some people, like our husband Kip, think that we report spurious gossip, and are sometimes remiss in issuing corrections. [Note to Kip: Some people end up doing the dishes more than other people, but you don't hear them complaining about it, do you?] We reported here last week that the gossip community was shocked recently when Hayden Christensen's girlfriend, model-turned-interpreter Lola Skye, revealed that Christensen had cheated on her with his Factory Girl co-star Sienna Miller. Certainly believable. Utterly plausible. Probably true. But now Skye's insisting that Christensen couldn't have cheated on her since they were never an item. Sure, honey. We suppose that all the quotes you issued regarding said affair took place during Ambien-related blackouts. It sounds to us like someone paid off someone or else someone thought that someone was her boyfriend when someone else thought that they were just friends with benefits. Or maybe the story was totally wrong. Who are you going to believe? A model-turned-interpreter? Or your favorite weekly gossip columnist? Just go with your gut. While we're on the subject of retractions, we'd like to also take a minute to apologize for our insistence that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. This was the best intelligence we had at the time. Also, it turns out that the Korean War took place in Korea, and not Sri Lanka, as reported here. A chart depicting the rise and fall of Pamela Anderson's breast cup size was miscalculated. The resulting X-axis should have formed a bell curve, and not an isosceles triangle. We would also like to apologize for misspelling the president's name repeatedly in columns last year. It is spelled G-E-O-R-G-E B-U-S-H, and not J-A-C-K-A-S-S. Similarly, we were wrong about the whole Lindsay-Lohan-is-a-hermaphrodite thing. We regret the errors.