MONDAY, APRIL 4 Darlings! We apologize in advance for this week's deluge of Charlie Sheen news—but as you know, wherever shenanigans go, we must follow. Recalling last week's column, you'll remember that Sheen's opening night for his "Violent Torpedo of Truth" tour was a delicious disaster. The porn star-enthusiast was booed off the stage in Detroit by an angry mob who stomped out in a huff, screaming for refunds. However, in a disappointing turn of events, last night's show in Chicago was a confusing, unmitigated success, with only a handful of audience members walking out. "TOOK ONE NIGHT BUT HE IS #winning. Yet again," Sheen gloatingly twatted following the performance. So what was so different? Sheen apparently ditched the long, unfunny video clips and music for more of an interview format, where a pal asked questions, and the actor provided the obscene, rambling, batshit crazy answers fans apparently crave—at least in Chicago. In a related story, Detroit has now moved above Chicago on the list of "Cities Less Likely to Have Their Money Stolen by a Bipolar Horny Coke Fiend." MEANWHILE... Mere moments after luscious Justin Timberlake split from his boring-as-chalk former gal pal Jessica Biel, he's already been spotted out on the town with Tron lovely Olivia Wilde! Could this torrid twosome be on the kissy train to Canoodle Town? "Cool it, honeybadgers," Wilde twatted in response to the rumors. "We are just friends and have been for years." Okay, two things, Olivia: (1) There's no reason to squash what is just some innocent, speculative fun, and (2) don't ever call us "honeybadger," bitch.
TUESDAY, APRIL 5 In media news, sources close to CBS say that CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric will be leaving at the end of her contract in June. In a related story, we had no idea the Evening News was still on the air. MEANWHILE... Today in Charlie Sheen-anigans, in another desperate attempt to make money (kept porn stars don't come cheap, ya know), Chuckles is trademarking 22 of the catchphrases that popped out of his diarrhea mouth during his recent bipolar media blitz, including, "Vatican Assassin," "Tiger Blood," and of course, "Duh, Winning." Expect to see these phrases plastered on cheap coffee mugs, key chains, bumper stickers, and T-shirt-wearing douchebags for at least five years. Oh, Charlie! Such a proud legacy! MEANWHILE... Well, at least one person isn't dreadfully annoyed with Chuck's bamboozlement: dentally challenged screeching hillbilly Miley Cyrus. Apparently the two have been exchanging "love twatters," which could not make us more ill. "I came back to twitter for two reasons. My fans and to follow Charlie Sheen!" Miley hee-hawed. "Always felt you were epic," Sheen re-twatted. "Now you proved it! Thanks for the love." Gack! Can someone please dump a bathtub of Purell on the internet?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6 Speaking of disgusting Miley Cyrus, a porn toy company has produced a Miley look-alike inflatable sex doll, which boasts... brace yourselves, dears... "three achey love holes." Now, as an owner of a love hole that is occasionally achey, you can take it from Hubby Kip that there's nothing sexy about it. However, on the upside, at least the doll doesn't come with a "honeybadger." MEANWHILE... Speaking of honeybadgers, it was revealed today that former slut-turned-abstinence-cheerleader Bristol Palin has received a whopping $262,000 for her work with the Candie's Foundation, which tries to convince teens that sewing their vaginas shut is a great alternative to sex. By the way, $262 grand is a LOT of money for someone whose résumé highlights are limited to "getting knocked up" and Dancing with the Stars. Forgive our cross mood today, darlings! It's that darn "achey hole"!
THURSDAY, APRIL 7 Apparently someone is crop-dusting American cities with idiot powder, because Charlie Sheen enjoyed yet another sold-out, successful show—this time in Cleveland! However, it should be noted that Chuck had to do some very sad pandering to extract this kind of adulation, dressing in his "Wild Thing" baseball jersey and glasses from the 1989 movie Major League (a film set in... surprise!... Cleveland). Responding to the undeserved roar of approval from the audience, Sheen responded, "People, that was better than coming out of the bullpen in Major League. Thank you." (Confidential to Cleveland: Movies aren't real—but the money you paid this ass-kissing shyster is.) MEANWHILE... Fox News showman and professional fact fabricator Glenn Beck is leaving (read: got fired from) the network, in order to pursue other money-grabbing opportunities. (Perhaps a "Beck/Sheen" ticket in 2012? Don't laugh—apparently Americans will buy into anything.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 8 Ah-ha! We knew it couldn't last! Tonight Charlie Sheen performed his little song-and-dance routine in New York, where people have standards, and reactions were right back where they should be! "It was Detroit all over again, an aimless and slovenly disaster, with the crowd taking less than 20 minutes to turn on him. And once they did, the boos and the catcalls just kept slowly escalating," wrote Entertainment Weekly. "Charlie Sheen stank up Radio City Music Hall last night like a flatulent goddess," added the New York Post, while New York magazine pointed out that after catching sight of a "no heckling" sign, attendees "read the sign, pointed at the sign, laughed at the sign, posed for pictures with the sign, and then, promptly, ignored the sign." And, just like that, everything was once again right in the world.
SATURDAY, APRIL 9 Dammit, we spoke too soon! Hollyweird's grossest power couple, Iron Man 2's Scarlett Johansson and her insane grandfather Sean Penn, went for a jog today—and not only did ScarJo wear those humiliating little toe-shoes (take it from us, dear—just because you've given up on love doesn't mean you should give up on footwear), but she and Ol' Man Penn insisted on running alongside poor, befuddled Owen Wilson. "Dude, I've gotta find a new running route," he told us shortly after he managed to "lose those freaks right by the ArcLight on Sunset." "One minute I'm having a nice little jog, and the next minute, BAM—Lolita! Except grosser!" Wilson said, boyishly pushing back his sweaty golden locks from his forehead. "And holy shit, Ann, did you see those stupid little shoes she was wearing?!" Yes, Owen, we did. There there, dear. There there. MEANWHILE... While America's still stuck with jaw-dropping unemployment rates and a nationwide joie de vivre that's about two steps away from, "Eff it, just gimme a bottle of Vicodin and a jug of Carlo Rossi," the Jersey Shore idiots renegotiated their contracts. Brace yourselves, readers. "The deal has members of the 'core group' now pulling down at least $100,000 per episode," Entertainment Weekly reports—meaning Snooki, JWoww, the Situation, and Pauly D are now... let's see, carry the nine, divide the reminder... oh, about 100,000 times richer than you or anyone you know. And just like that, everything is once again wrong in the world.
SUNDAY, APRIL 10 Well, at least if everything's wrong, at least it's familiar: Today Lindsay Lohan "hid in her apartment... afraid of her father Michael Lohan, who was at the front door trying to break in," reports TMZ. "We're told MiLo was also staring in the back windows of her Venice apartment, trying to spot Lindsay inside, and began banging on the windows." Michael later tried to explain himself, insisting to TMZ—in what we're sure were perfectly calm, rational tones—that he'd been invited over to drop off clothes and money, and that he "went around to the back entrance so he could stay hidden from the paparazzi." Sure, Mike. Which you just said to the paparazzi. Seriously... what do we look like? A honeybadger?