MONDAY, APRIL 3 Look, let's not go nuts... okay? We mean, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and this whole Scientology thing is weird, right? REALLY WEIRD. But that doesn't mean we'll buy everything the tabs are saying about Katie's upcoming Scientology inspired keep-your-mouth-shut-during-the-entire-birthing-process weirdness. Example? Cruise's publicist has rubbished reports that Tom has furnished Kat with an adult-sized pacifier to help her keep her big mouth shut during childbirth. "He commissioned an adult-sized 'binky' for her to clench between her teeth, hoping that it'll squelch her screams," said an inside source. "Tom is prepared to do whatever it takes to muffle Katie's moan and groans." Oh, puh-LEEEZE! An adult-sized pacifier? That's almost as ridiculous as Charlie Sheen accusing President Bush of planting explosives in the Twin Towers. Besides, Tom isn't using a pacifier—he's using a rolled-up pair of socks and some duct tape. MEANWHILE... Even those namby-pamby kiss-ass reporters at Parade magazine couldn't resist printing that Katie is for all practical purposes a member of THE WALKING DEAD. Though famous for administering glowing profiles of its subjects, even Parade couldn't ignore Katie's strange behavior during their recent interview. Says Parade reporter Dotson Rader, "Holmes wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive, and vacant. She never stopped smiling." Rader added that Holmes kept smiling, even when Tom was describing the physical abuse he received at the hands of his father. Wait... actually, that is pretty funny.
TUESDAY, APRIL 4 Hey, guess who's nursing a wounded ass after having it kicked out of Congress? Why, it's our old pal, former majority leader and Republican Rep. Tom DeLay who announced today that he has withdrawn from his race for reelection, and will be quitting Congress by the middle of June. And by "withdrawing" and "quitting," we really mean he was "FIRED" by the Republican hierarchy for being a huge embarrassment and detriment to the upcoming election. As for Tom, he's blaming his woes—being indicted on campaign finance charges and his involvement in a Washington lobbying scandal—on dirty politics. "Because I care so deeply about [my home] district and the people in it, I refuse to allow liberal Democrats an opportunity to steal this seat with a negative, personal campaign," whined the ousted DeLay on why he wasn't running for reelection. Damn those "liberal Democrats" and their stupid, and totally irrelevant "truth." Next thing you know, he'll be sent to prison because of a damned "liberal" jury!
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 5 Speaking of those who feel betrayed, socialite/TV/porn star Paris Hilton finally spoke out on her disintegrated relationship with former pally/Simple Life co-star Nicole Richie. Hilton has been tightlipped on the topic (we know... it's hard to imagine any of her lips being tight) ever since the duo's dust-up back in January '05. However, she has finally decided to speak out, and, as expected, the results aren't very interesting. But hey! Judge for yourself. Says Paris, "[Nicole] can't stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her. She's not the same person anymore. When I brought her onto my show, she got very jealous and turned on me for no reason. I never want to speak to her again—ever." Naturally, Paris could have left it at that... but what's a blood feud without a parting shot at appearances—particularly Nicole's recent weight loss? "That's not normal," Paris sniped. "I can't believe it. She looks horrible." Yeah, Nicole should really eat a Carl's Jr. hamburger while washing a car, shouldn't she?
THURSDAY, APRIL 6 Who on earth would rough up American Idol judge Paula Abdul? (Besides Simon Cowell, a nation of Idol haters, and her drug dealer? KIDDING.) Well, someone's responsible, because the former pop princess filed a police report today claiming that a man assaulted her at a party last weekend. The incident allegedly went down at a private soiree at Hollywood club Xenii early Sunday morning, when another partygoer grabbed Abdul by the arm and flung her against the wall. Us magazine reports that her companion Dante Spencer was also attacked, receiving a cut below his eyebrow that required stitches. At press time the police had not released the identity of her alleged attacker. Paula received "treatment" for her injuries and returned to judging American Idol in the same manner as always. Which is to say, hopped up on tranquilizers. KIDDING. (Allegedly.)
FRIDAY, APRIL 7 Yet another betrayed celebrity! Poor P. Diddy—who we all know is a TV spokesmodel for Proactiv Acne Solution along with Vanessa Williams, Alicia Keys, and Jessica Simpson—is suing the company because of their inability to stop pimples from leaping onto his face. In the commercials, Diddy claims that the product helped his bumps disappear. "I use Proactiv," says Diddy in the ad, "because it helps moisturize my situation and preserve my sexy." However, now Diddy is saying that after using the product for months, the bumps just keep on bumpin'! "I look foolish on an infomercial promoting a product for skin care and my skin still has bumps on it," said Diddy's recent statement. On the other hand, the makers of Proactiv claim that P. Diddy is to blame for his P. Imples, claiming that he drinks too much Diet Pepsi (with whom Diddy is also monetarily affiliated) "which can wreak havoc on the skin." Meanwhile, Diddy's pimples have filed a countersuit claiming the rap singer/producer hasn't put out a decent song in years, and he should either get back to work or shut the fuck up.
SATURDAY, APRIL 8 If we have learned one thing from the sex scandal surrounding Portland Police Chief Derrick Foxworth, it is this: No matter how many times you say, "don't send sensitive emails," some people will never learn. Foxworth's alleged emails to his blonde girly love and subordinate have been made public as part of her sexual harassment lawsuit, and... whoa. Not that we aren't relieved to know that our chief of police has a huge cock—you don't need some pencil dick leading Portland's finest. But this is way too much insight into this guy's turn-ons. We don't know that much about hubby Kip's fantasies and we don't want to, thankyouverymuch. It's all very troubling. Though frankly, what worries us more than the abuse of authority, threats, and general ickiness, are the multitude of spelling errors [See page 13 for more details!]. And don't even get us started on the emoticon usage! Cops should never use emoticons. Period.
SUNDAY, APRIL 9 Know what happens when a gossip writer goes bad? The rest of us pile on top of him and eat him ALIVE. Jared Paul Stern, a long-time freelancer for Page Six, has been accused of blackmailing a billionaire for $100,000 (plus a $10,000 monthly stipend) to stop the New York Post from giving him bad press. (Mayor Tom Potter—we are so going to raise that lousy $150 you throw our way to keep our mouths shut. We have Biore facial strips to buy! A forest of blackheads to rip from our dermas! You think it's cheap to keep our brows, chin, girly bits, AND upper lip waxed? Well, it's a pretty penny.) So JPS asks for a little extra spending money. Is it so different than accepting designer gifts and free lunches? (Again if anyone wants to give us a designer gift or free lunch, we're sitting by the phone.) What can $100,000, and $120,000 a year buy these days anyway? Health insurance? Barely. Remember: You've always got a job here at the Mercury, JPS. All we ask for is 10 percent.