MONDAY, JULY 23 Sometimes our hubby (Hubby Kip) likes to sit around with his friends, drinking beer and wondering out loud what type of "superpower" they would like to have, if it were possible for an immature human male who should be spending his time doing a little less "imagining" and a little more time working around the house to have such a thing. (Just kidding, sweetie. Now mow the lawn.) However, if we were forced to choose a superpower, we'd go with the power of time travel—if for no other reason than to completely skip this boring gossip day, and fly to tomorrow, when Lindsay Lohan gets busted for driving drunk, possessing cocaine, and scaring the living bejeezus out of a soccer mom. Until then we'll just have to bide our time with a somewhat less interesting, but still beguiling story about Britney Spears having a country-fied meltdown at an OK! Magazine photo shoot. According to the wagging tongues of TMZ.com, the former hillbilly princess was a walking train wreck at the recent shoot, acting "completely out of it," paranoid, and taking multiple trips to the restroom in order to "elevate her mood." Now this we can believe. The next part of the story? Not so much. TMZ then alleges that Brit then ate some fried chicken, smearing her grease-stained fingers all over a several thousand dollar Gucci dress, and then picking up her dog's poop with an original Chanel gown. See, that's the trouble with time travel. You can't go back to prove that sort of thing (or steal the poop-stained dress to sell on eBay)!
TUESDAY, JULY 24 Finally, it's here! It's Lindsay Lohan DUI Day! We've been waiting so long. (SOB!) See, it's just like we told you last week: That alcohol monitoring bracelet she was wearing was a sham, and it wouldn't surprise us to see her stick a straw in it and suck out some vodka. Regardless. At roughly 1:30 am this morning, Lindy was charged with drunken driving, possession of cocaine, and chasing a woman with an SUV. As it turns out, the woman who dialed 911 to alert the police about Lindsay's shenanigans was no other than the mother of LiLo's personal assistant Tarin Graham, who had quit her job only a couple hours earlier! Even better? The mother didn't know it was Lohan behind the wheel! (If someone is trying to kill us, we now automatically assume it's Lindsay.) Apparently, Lindsay and Tarin got into a heated debate, Tarin quit, and the chase began! After outrunning Tarin, the starlet drove to Tarin's mom's house—and unfortunately for mom—saw her backing out of the driveway. And once again, the chase was on! A frantic 911 call later, and Lindsay was pulled over, given a breathalyzer test (she blew a 0.12—ouch!), and was discovered to have a bag of coke in her pants. She was later released from custody on a $25,000 bond, and is expected to be arraigned on August 24. But don't worry, Lindsay—we're sure they're keeping Paris Hilton's cell warm for you.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 25 If it's Wednesday, that must mean Lindsay Lohan is proclaiming her innocence. Even after her own lawyer admitted she had "relapsed," LiLo was quick to email her own version of events to Access Hollywood (when will these people ever learn?). Here's what she wrote: "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs. They're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy." Soooooo... we're guessing the reason the assistant's mom called 911 in a panic was to stop herself from hitting Lindsay? And forgive us if we're mistaken, but don't you have to be in front of a car to be hit by it, not tailgating that car at 80 mph? Things sure are different in the LiLo-verse!
THURSDAY, JULY 26 When it comes to spinning lies into something that appears to be truth, Lindsay Lohan could take a few pointers from the Bush administration. They have this stuff down! According to Entertainment Tonight correspondent and "Lohan insider" (Huh? You can be both??) Gina Glickman, she has the REAL story—which sounds even bullshittier than Lindy's usual excuses. Glickman says that (a) it may not have been Lindsay chasing Tarin Graham's mom at all, it may have been the evil paparazzi, (b) Lindsay was "strong-armed" into taking a breathalyzer test (as if that would make her any less drunk), and (c) as for the charges of possessing cocaine, she was wearing someone else's pants. OMG! "Wearing someone else's pants"? What is she? Fourteen? We're pretty sure that, even in our most drunken, coke-binged state, we've never mistakenly put on someone else's pants. If you're going to be that desperate, try blaming the cocaine fairy.
FRIDAY, JULY 27 Or, instead of the cocaine fairy, you could blame black people! Lindsay Lohan's bewildering excuse for her DUI? "I wasn't driving. The black kid was driving." Wha-HUH? Okay, let's backtrack a bit: The Lohan-lovin' TMZ.com staff managed to track down the three men—Dante Nigro, Jakon Sutter, and Ronnie Blake—who were stuck in the car that Lindsay drunkenly hijacked on Tuesday night. Dante, Jakon, and Ronnie were hanging out with the boyfriend of Lohan's assistant when a noticeably intoxicated LiLo invited them to a party. Linds got in a fight with her assistant while Dante, Jakon, and Ronnie were chilling in Dante's car when—BANG!—before they knew it, a plastered Linds jumped in the driver's seat and peeled off, chasing after her assistant! At this point, a few amazing things happened: Ronnie, terrified, jumped out of the moving car (Lohan ran over his foot and kept driving). Then the soused Lindsay attempted to comfort her shocked passengers: "I can't get in trouble!" she shouted. "I'm a celebrity! I can do whatever the fuck I want!" And THEN—when Dante tried to grab the wheel—she screamed, "If you touch me I'll sue you!" So THEN, when the cops FINALLY pulled LiLo over, she flat-out lied: "I wasn't driving. The black kid was driving." Dante and Jakon also noted that when Linds tried to touch her nose for her sobriety test, she almost fell over, while a limping Ronnie moaned, "It was pretty much the worst night of my whole summer." Which is weird, because to us, all that sounds super fun!
SATURDAY, JULY 28 Today Vice President Dick Cheney underwent surgery to replace a battery in the device that keeps his cold, cold heart beating. We're pretty sure that at this point, Cheney's had enough weird stuff implanted in him that he's now at least 78 percent machine, legally making him a cyborg. No word on when Robo-Cheney's laser vision will be used to terminate Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, Terminator-style.
SUNDAY, JULY 29 And with a mighty "Oooooh! SNAP!" the race for the presidency begins! Earlier this week, Hillary Clinton criticized Barack Obama's claim that he would be willing to meet with the leaders of troublemaking countries like North Korea, Iran, and Cuba. "I thought that was irresponsibleand frankly naïve," Clinton said, prompting Obama to shoot back: "I think what is irresponsible and naïve is to have authorized a war without asking how we were going to get out," he replied. "And you know, I think Senator Clinton hasn't fully answered that issue." Oooooo! Ker-SNAP! Obama? ONE! Clinton? ZERO! Here's hoping their next debate takes the format of a "Yo Mama" contest.