SURI CRUISE Bow to your queen!

MONDAY, APRIL 18 Hmmm... Our invitation must have got lost in the mail, because Suri Cruise—daughter of Scientologists Tom and Katie, and the adorable future dictator of the universe—celebrated her fifth birthday yesterday! Held at TomKat's lavish Hollyweird mansion (which also serves as a teleportation grid to quickly whisk fellow Thetans to the Rigel VII system), Suri demanded and obtained a "tea party" theme and was surrounded by Tinselturd's pre-K social elite—in addition to the multi-tentacled Emperor Klaktu, who for unknown reasons was dressed as a clown. "It is not unusual for a Rigelian leader of my stature to occasionally attend social gatherings dressed in an amusing fashion," Emperor Klaktu responded rather defensively. "Besides, what the future ruler of the cosmos wants, the future ruler of the cosmos gets. (Frankly, I was relieved not to be portraying the hindquarters of a donkey.)" MEANWHILE... Was Vanessa HudgensHigh School Musical and nude internet photos alum—snorting ecstasy this past weekend at the Coachella rock fest? Though a photo was taken of the starlet with a mysterious white substance on her finger, her rep forcefully replied to the contrary, telling E! News that the goo was in actuality, "white chocolate." [NOTE TO OUR READERS: This is a classic example of a rep panicking and saying the first thing to pop into her mind. NOTE TO REP: Work on your free association skills, dear!]

TUESDAY, APRIL 19 In "Duh, LOSING" news: Charlie Sheen continues to bomb more often than not with his seemingly unending Violent Torpedo of Truth tour. Tonight he took his "act" to Washington, DC, where he proclaimed himself a more capable candidate than Obama for president of the United States. "For starters, I was fucking born here, how about that," Chuckles squawked, giddly aligning himself with the batshit-crazy "Birthers" movement. "And I got proof! Nothing Photoshopped about my birth certificate." An audience member responded to Sheen's claims by shouting, "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SAY SOMETHING WEIRD!" Oh, you people want weird? Tell 'em your 9/11 conspiracy theories, Charlie! They're hilarious! MEANWHILE... Also today, a judge denied Charlie's request to regain custody of his twin sons—even though the boys' mother (Brooke Mueller) is going into rehab. The judge correctly reasoned that staying with a mom who's in rehab is significantly better than being anywhere with Charlie Sheen. But then again, being locked in a car trunk at the bottom of Lake Michigan is better than being with Charlie Sheen. MEANWHILE... According to sources deep inside "Team Win," Charlie's #1 live-in "goddess"/porn star Bree Olson cannot take anymore of this ridiculous Violent Torpedo of Truth nonsense, and is moving out. However, Bree has struck back at the rumors, claiming, "I am 100 percent still one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses." Umm-hmmm. And is that some "white chocolate" on your finger?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20 TRUER WORDS: "You never know what's going to happen in Hollywood," said Fiore Films spokesman Steve Honig regarding Lindsay Lohan's topsy-turvy day. Scheduled to go before a judge on Friday to answer charges of stealing a necklace, Lindsay could at least be happy about the news she would be playing daughter Victoria Gotti in the upcoming biopic about flamboyant crime boss John Gotti. However, this happiness was quickly smashed into a billion tiny shards by a press release from the flick's producers at Fiore Films who said, "We are not talking any further about Lindsay playing Victoria. She is no longer being considered." BUT DON'T SWALLOW THOSE SLEEPING PILLS JUST YET, LINDS! Mere hours later, yet another release was issued by Fiore Films announcing that Lindsay was signed to play Kim Gotti (John Gotti Jr.'s wife) in the movie. "We're very pleased to have Lindsay onboard," producer Marc Fiore said. As their spokesman previously noted, "You never know what's going to happen in Hollywood"—but you can be pretty goddamn sure they're going to fuck with your brain.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21 Today, mangled-toothed hillbilly Miley Cyrus revealed that she has a dreamcatcher tattoo in her armpit. Or is that a deodorant target? Whatever works, dear.

FRIDAY, APRIL 22 Breaking news: Ryan Phillippe is tired of the spotlight! "It's so hard to go out in LA," Phillippe complained to the New York Post. "I think I'm going to end my acting career. I'm so introverted. I'm ready to be behind the scenes." People in Hollyweird, needless to say, were shocked. "Wait... what?!" one prominent A-lister shouted. "Which one is Ryan Phillippe?" MEANWHILE... And as expected, Lindsay Lohan was sentenced today to 120 days in county jail for violation of her probation in regard to charges that she stole a necklace from a Venice Beach jeweler—a jaw-droppingly terrible decision that Lindsay Lohan made because she is Lindsay Lohan. (Wow. It's just like in that movie Groundhog Day—except, like, real!)

SATURDAY, APRIL 23 So... remember on Tuesday when porn star Bree Olson swore up and down that "I am 100 percent still one of Charlie Sheen's goddesses"? Well... now you can make that zero percent. Tonight, Charlie Sheen began his Violent Torpedo of Truth show in Fort Lauderdale by announcing that Olson had just broken up with him... via text message. Klassy with a capital "K," Bree! MEANWHILE.... Another Sheen ex, actress Denise Richards, apologized this weekend to film critic Roger Ebert for... well, let us explain. Yesterday in Tampa, Sheen invited radio shock-jock Mike "Cowhead" Calta onstage; shortly thereafter, Calta brought up the fact that back in 1834, Sheen confronted Siskel and Ebert after the duo remarked that James Spader should've played Sheen's role in Wall Street. "Now, one of them is dead and cancer ate the other one's fucking face off!" Calta shouted like an ass. "Now that is winning!" "I didn't wish that upon them at all," Sheen interrupted, displaying a rare moment of restraint and civil—oh, wait. He kept going. "I didn't wish that upon them at all," Sheen said, "but in hindsight, it's pretty fucking cool." "SorryU were on the other end of his vicious mouth," Richards later tweeted at Ebert. "anyone whos been touched by cancer knows the bravery of fighting that battle." IN RELATED NEWS... Yes, it's true: In this godforsaken scenario, the actress who played "Dr. Christmas Jones" and that chick in Starship Troopers is the voice of reason.

SUNDAY, APRIL 24 In addition to Gary "Crazy Eyes, Crazier Teeth" Busey, now one other person thinks Donald Trump would be a good president! Tonight on Celebrity Apprentice, Trump asked the remaining contestants if they'd vote for him—spurring on Meat Loaf, eager to curry Trump's favor, to whimper like a teacher's pet. "I would vote for you!" Meat Loaf not-so-proudly proclaimed. "In fact, I'll help you with your campaign!" MEANWHILE... Stars of a slightly higher wattage took opportunities to shut Trump down. "It's like a big hustle. It's like being a used car salesman," Robert De Niro told Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News, when asked about Trump's dimwitted insistence that President Obama wasn't born in America. Meanwhile, Jerry Seinfeld pulled out of a charity show that Trump's son, Eric, organized. Put off by Trump's pandering to the birthers, Seinfeld instead made a contribution to the charity. Naturally, Trump handled it like a class act, releasing a pissy letter in which he told off Seinfeld, insulted Seinfeld's TV shows, insisted Obama is "doing an absolutely terrible job as our leader" and, in an added bit of guilt-trippery, remarked that "the children of St. Jude's [Children's Research Hospital] are very disappointed." Oh, shut up already, Donald. No one cares what you think. It's not like you're Ryan Phillippe.