MONDAY, APRIL 24 Remember when people didn't give two poots about actor Charlie Sheen and his wanna-be actor wife Denise Richards? Oh, how times have changed. This bickering twosome have launched themselves from Hollyweird's D-list to the cream of the gossip crop—and all it took was wifey Denise accusing Charlie of MENTAL ABUSE, and possibly MURDERING A PORN STAR. According to the Daily News, Denise is claiming that Charlie snuffed out porn queen Chloe Jones (size 32-DD) for selling a story to the National Enquirer that alleged he had sex with her for $15,000. (The coroner ruled that Jones' death was an accidental overdose, and Sheen's peeps are calling the accusation "ridiculous.") Denise doesn't stop there, though! She's also accused the beleaguered Charlie of mentally abusing her, showing her grisly photos of O.J. Simpson's slain wife, and calling Denise "a pregnant cunt." (Also denied by the Sheen camp.) AND! She's also claiming that Sheen is a hopeless paranoid who obsessed over (1) 9/11 being a governmental conspiracy, (2) vaccines being poisonous, and (3) buying gas masks over the internet. (Denied, denied, denied!) Regardless, do you think this is why Denise has dashed into the arms of Richie Sambora—better known as Heather Locklear's separated hubby? And don't you think it's weird that Heather and Denise were former neighbors and best buddies, and Denise was the one who suggested that Heather divorce Richie? OH! SWEET, SWEET SCANDAL! You've given birth to the most horribly mutated gossip baby we've seen in ages, and we love it with all our heart!
TUESDAY, APRIL 25 And speaking of mutated babies, poor Sean Preston Federline-Spears is in the scandal rags again, as Britney continues to try and shift blame away from her poor mothering skills. After Sean took a header out of his baby chair three weeks ago, Brit has decided to fire the nanny that was supposedly with him at the time. (Last week, she was planning on suing the highchair manufacturer.) Hilariously, according to MSNBC.com, she has hired a doctor "to advise her on how to keep her tot safe." Said a gabby pal, "The doctor advised her not to leave Preston on any high surfaces where he could roll off." GOOD ADVICE. Here are a few more tips, just in case Britney is interested. (1) Fire... BAD! (2) Babies tend to suffocate when their heads are encased in dry-cleaning bags. And (3) dangling babies off of balconies is ONLY safe if you're Michael Jackson.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26 Think the Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen war of the words is bad? Then get a load of the Ryan Seacrest/Paula Abdul feud! (Okay, it's not nearly as bad. But we are committed to doing anything to get you to continue reading this column—and yes—that includes lying.) While Paula insists there's "nothing but love" between the American Idol cast, according to People magazine, sleaze/host Seacrest says that relations on the hit TV show are "icy" and that Abdul refuses to speak to him after the cameras stop rolling. "I don't know what the deal is," wonders Seacrest. "It's very awkward." Well Ryan, that could be because you went on Jay Leno, and called Paula a DRUNK. After Leno hinted that the former pop singer drinks to excess while judging, Ryan said, "Hey look, I don't look in their cups... but at times I fell like we have reeled her in." GET IT? "REELED HER IN"? DRINKS LIKE A FISH? GET IT? Oh, never mind. Romano out!
THURSDAY, APRIL 27 Speaking of hilarious jokes, a bipartisan panel of senators investigating the Hurricane Katrina debacle has labeled the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) a "disaster." GET IT? The storm killed over 1,300 people and... okay. That's not funny AT ALL. Which is exactly why the federal agency got ripped apart by the committee, calling FEMA a "symbol of bumbling bureaucracy" that's so far beyond repair it should be dumped. Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine), chair of the investigation said today, "The first obligation of government is to protect our people. In Katrina, we failed at all levels of government to meet that fundamental obligation." The final report also faulted President Bush for waiting two days after Katrina hit to help coordinate the federal response, as well as New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin and Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco for failing to protect those too sick or feeble to evacuate the city. They also noted that the leaders of FEMA, Michael Chertoff and Michael Brown either did not understand the federal response plans, or didn't feel the need to follow them. Recommendations were made to scrap FEMA altogether and start a new agency, the National Preparedness and Response Authority, to take on domestic disaster relief—good thing, since the next hurricane season starts in about a month. An even better agency might be called the CSPGFROOA—or "Can Someone Please Get the Fucking Republicans Out of Office Authority."
FRIDAY, APRIL 28 Actor/activist George Clooney is focusing his 10-million-watt radioactive beam of handsome-osity where it can do some good—on the genocide that continues to unfold in West Africa. Note: Clooney, a liberal, is against genocide. Today he joined some senators in DC to address the National Press Club. Good God, he is an attractive man, isn't he? He showed some video footage from a recent trip he took to the war-torn area, which didn't feature his nipples at all. Anyway, Clooney was so troubled by what he saw, he's been making the talk show rounds trying to get the media to make a small mention of the half million murdered civilians in Sudan. Honey, if you took off your top, we'd spend the whole week on genocide. Two, if you showed a butt cheek.
SATURDAY, APRIL 29 Sweet Jesus! It appears that when Clooney turned his 10-million-watt radioactive beam of handsome-osity toward Africa, he accidentally flipped out the ocean's dolphins, causing hundreds of them to wash up dead on a beach popular with tourists on the northern coast of Zanzibar. Approximately 400 bottleneck dolphins were found along a 2.5-mile stretch of coast in Tanzania's Indian Ocean archipelago. Marine biologists say the animals may have been disturbed by some unknown factor (Clooney), or poisoned, before they became stranded in shallow waters and died. According to reports, the beach was bloody with dolphin guts as residents rushed to fillet the animals' bellies for their livers—which they use to make waterproofing material for boats. And who says One Day doesn't supply helpful homemaking tips?
SUNDAY, APRIL 30 Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, the perennially pickled death-defying saint of hard livers everywhere, was hospitalized this week after falling out of a palm tree while vacationing in Fiji. Or did he? Today, further reports indicate that Richards did indeed fall out of a palm tree, but survived that accident unscathed only to immediately injure himself in a jet ski accident. (This would lend credibility to the theory that Mr. Richards has been clinically dead since 1977 and is filming a remake of Weekend at Bernie's).