BILL MAHER Conspiracy!

MONDAY, MAY 2

"Just got word that will shock the world—Land of the free...home of the brave DAMN PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!" As reported in last week's One Day at a Time, that jingotastic twatter was written by Hollyweird's own Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, a few hours before anyone knew that the most wanted man in the world, Osama bin Laden, had been shot dead by American special forces (sexily named SEAL Team 6). So how did the Rock scoop every major media source on what will surely become the story of the decade? No one knows for sure, but let's just say the Rock can always smell what's cookin'—even when it comes to matters of national security. (Next up: The Rock predicts the release date for the iPhone 5!) MEANWHILE... While America's mood was primarily jubilant over the death of bin Laden, there were (and always will be) the conspiracy nuts who refused to believe that the architect of 9/11 was actually dead. Comedian Bill Maher (of Real Time with Bill Maher) devoted one of his hilarious "new rules" to these people, saying, "Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place! C'mon, nutjobs! Keep your bullshit straight! The twin towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so a Kenyan named 'Obama' could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy that we pretended took out the towers. And I know that's true, because I just got it in an email from Donald Trump." MEANWHILE... While onstage in Sydney, Australia, teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was pelted by eggs by an unruly fan. ("SEAL Team 6! Operation Scrambled Egg is a GO. Repeat: a GO. Dispatch target with extreme prejudice! Love, Caitlyn, age 12.")

TUESDAY, MAY 3

Speaking of a job tailor-made for SEAL Team 6—something simply has to be done about Tinselturd's most bile-inducing couple, ScarPen (Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn). It's certainly bad enough that these people... you know... exist, and are quite possibly engaging in taut vs. wrinkly skin sex at this very moment. But when they take their disgusting PDA into the public sphere, and in front of the president of the United States of America, no less? That... ain't... right, dears! And we're tired of what ain't right! The New York Post took on the stomach-churning job of reporting this story, which occurred at the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner in Washington, DC. According to witnesses, not only did Penn refuse to put his hand over his heart during the singing of "The Star-Spangled Banner" (TRAITOR!!), he was reportedly all over ScarJo during the sit-down dinner, after which she "plopped down on his lap," according to a nauseated witness, and the two engaged in a spirited tonsil massage. GAH-ROSS! ("SEAL Team 6! Operation Grandpa Sex Tape is a go! Repeat: a GO! Take out both parties with extreme prejudice! And aim for the juicy bits. Love, THE WORLD.")

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4

Ugh! The possibilities for SEAL Team 6 are simply endless this week! We're sure you recall Jesse James—the human sack of shit who cheated on Sandy Bullock, thereby rendering any future jokes about her useless. Today he's capitalizing on his infidelities with a new biography entitled American Outlaw in which he describes how he informed Sandy that he had bedded a bevy of tattooed Petri dishes, and was now a walking herpes sore. "I admitted the affair. I told her the hard details," James oh-so-bravely wrote. "I sat frozen in my chair, watching, as Sandy's small body shook with sobs." BLECH! Don't quit your day job, Jesse (i.e., poster boy for genital warts). Unfortunately he continued, poorly describing the moment when Bullock walked out on him, and how his youngest daughter, Sunny, asked where she was. "I chew my lip as I consider my answer," he wrote. "Well, sweetie, [I tell her] the truth is, I have no idea. Daddy fucked up, real, real bad, so your stepmommy decided to disappear for a few weeks." ("SEAL Team 6! Operation Kill My Scumbag Daddy is a go! Love, Sunny. P.S., Though I admit stepmommy's mustache kind of creeped me out.")

THURSDAY, MAY 5

Happy birthday to the only man we ever loved—besides Hubby Kip, of course—George Clooney, who turned a handsome, dashing, ridiculously smart and funny 50 years old today. (We would ask SEAL Team 6 to blow off the face of his Italian tramp girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis —but ultimately, she's no competition. There's nothing wrong with us that $25,000 of plastic surgery and a pair of Spanx can't fix.)

FRIDAY, MAY 6

In the midst of performing pedicures on corpses—okay, not really, but Lindsay Lohan is working off her community service stint in the LA County morgue—Li'l Miss Trouble Maker has reportedly decided to plead "no contest" to misdemeanor necklace theft charges in hopes the judge will not ladle out any extra jail time. THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS. The "very, very, very, extremely troubling" news is that LiLo may be taken under the icky wing of John Travolta and into the creepy, culty world of Scientology. She's set to co-star with Travolta in the upcoming Gotti: Three Generations, and according to Entertainmentwise, the actor has reportedly introduced Lohan to the church's top counselors, and she will allegedly attend a series of "induction classes" that will eventually ensnare her in the clammy, ever-tightening grasp of the Church of Scientology. "OH, SHUT UP, ANN," roared Emperor Klaktu, via telekinetic hologram projected from his gaseous empire in the Rigel VII system. "Scientologists aren't so bad! In fact, some 'structure' might do this booze-guzzling, necklace-thieving, panty-less pseudo lesbian some good, and... and... TRAVOLTA! This is your emperor! Abort mission! I said, 'ABORT MISSION!'"

SATURDAY, MAY 7

We know you guys are always super concerned about what Bristol Palin (daughter of Sarah) is doing with herself these days—when not stumping around the country for abstinence, that is. The good news is that 20-year-old Bristol is no longer the plumpish Wasilla hillbilly who refused her Depo-Provera, and in fact, she's now getting her own reality show! In the program, set to debut on the Bio cable network this fall, Bristol moves to LA with her son Tripp, and shacks up with former Dancing with the Stars costar Kyle Massey... and his brother? Ahem. Soooo... we guess it's kind of like a cross between Three's Company and Fox & Friends. (It's times like these when we're so happy that Hubby Kip hid the keys to the liquor and gun cabinet.)

SUNDAY, MAY 8

And finally, let's end the week on a high note with some Osama bin Laden Fun Facts™! Pakistan—who we all kind of hate now, right?—has granted the US government access to the currently imprisoned three wives of bin Laden. Hey! Forget Bristol Palin's new reality show! We can't wait for the The Real House-wives of Abbottabad! MEANWHILE... In Texas, a high school teacher "will not return to work" (read: he was shit-canned) after moc-king an American- born Muslim fem-ale student immed-iately following the death of bin Laden by asking if she was grieving because her "uncle had died." In a related story, there really is no reason to be anywhere near Texas, is there? MEANWHILE... After depositing their bullets in bin Laden's skull, the special forces team gathered a mountain of evidence from the slain leader's compound, such as home movies that show the al-Qaeda leader watching himself on television, and dyeing his hair and beard before appearing in a worldwide transmission. It's been noted that the government is releasing this evidence in a piecemeal fashion, with the possible intention of painting the deceased in an unflattering light. (Umm... killing thousands of people is "unflattering" enough, dontchathink? Besides, watching TV while dyeing one's hair—and getting a Brazilian—is considered a normal day in the Romano household.) Ciao, sweeties!