MONDAY, MAY 9
After 25 years of marriage, former Governor/ Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger and his sad wife Maria Shriver are FINALLY getting separated, inspiring the entire world to blurt out, "Girl? What were you thinking?!?" In a joint statement made to the LA Times today, the couple said, "After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion, and prayer, we came to this decision together." (Oh, and the multitude of rumors involving Arnold dropping his Austrian penis into every vaheena in sight had nothing to do with it?) TMZ reports that Maria has actually been contemplating the split for at least two years, with sources indicating that she finally became fed up with his multiple sexual trysts and emotional terrorism. Personally, we were fed up with him after Twins, Kindergarten Cop, Jingle All the Way, and especially his role as Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin. So it's "ice" that Maria finally wised up. GET IT?? (Side note: The only reason we watched that movie was because of George Clooney, and you know it!) MEANWHILE... Speaking of slut-banging cheaters, we've been giving slut-banging cheater Jesse James a lot of flak recently, primarily because he's trying to turn his indiscretions against Sandy Bullock into a money-making venture with his new book American Outlaw—aaaand also because he's a philandering prick. He does have one thing going for him, however: At least he realizes he's universally despised. Here's what he said in an interview today with PopEater: "At this point I don't think I'm going to be able to do anything right in anybody's eyes ever again—except kill myself or disappear. Then people will be happy I guess." ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, JESSE!
TUESDAY, MAY 10
Hollyweird STD Alert: Somebody's got the herp! According to TMZ, "An A-list celebrity of substantial fame internationally" whose net worth is in the $100 million range, knowingly exposed his sex partner to the herpes virus—and apparently, there's a sex tape that'll prove it! (Does the video depict the herpes virus in little jogging sneakers making the hop from one set of genitals to another? WE HOPE.) The unknown plaintiff in this case is filing a lawsuit against the unnamed celeb, who according to court documents allegedly "entered into a nefarious plot to lure [the] plaintiff into his luxurious hotel room to serve his prurient desires." (Coming soon from Harlequin Romance!) The suit also maintains that the couple watched porn together, and engaged in "mutual oral copulation, mutual self-gratification, rubbing and massaging each other, play wrestling, licking, and (unprotected) intercourse." Hmmmmm... sounds like a normal day at the dog park to us—but who could this mystery celeb be? "I really can't divulge that information," responded a tight-lipped herpes sore. "However, I will say the person's name rhymes with Shmarnold Marshenlegger."
WEDNESDAY, MAY 11
Now let's check in on America's favorite li'l felon Lindsay Lohan! When we last left her, she was doing community service (at the LA County MORGUE, no less) for a parole violation in connection with being accused of stealing a necklace from a Venice Beach jeweler. Today—and even though she's COMPLETELY, TOTALLY INNO-CENT—Linds pleaded "no con- test" to the charges, and in return will receive... wait... no extra jail time? And her 120 days of jail time will probably get knocked down to 14 days? And the judge is not even requiring LiLo to undergo substance abuse counseling? OUTRAGE! If we were Lindsay we'd totally sue the court, just so we could keep the necklace!
THURSDAY, MAY 12
The NYC neighborhood of SoHo became practically apoplectic today over actor Will Smith parking his personal trailer on a neighborhood street during the filming of Men in Black III. What's the big whoop? Almost the size of Smith's ego, the trailer is a whopping 53 feet long, 1,150 square feet inside, and weighs around 30 tons. The custom built double-decker mobile home, modestly called "The Heat," comes complete with marble floors, arched windows, a granite bathroom, satellite uplink, offices for his personal staff, a screening room with 100–inch movie screen, and a lounge with a bar. "It looks bigger than my apartment," squawked neighborhood resident Brigette Moreno to the New York Post. "The smell that comes along with it is disgusting. It's like living in a gas station. I really like Will Smith, but I would be embarrassed if that was my trailer." Undoubtedly thanks to the many complaints from ordinarily soft-spoken and genteel New Yorkers, the mayor's office instructed Smith to move his rolling monstrosity a mile or so down the road. "Hardworking New Yorkers have a right to wake up in the morning and not find a cruise ship parked in front of their house," said Public Safety Committee Chair Peter Vallone Jr. "This is New York, not Hollywood. We don't roll that way." IN A RELATED STORY... Will Smith's 12-foot-long herpes sore was allowed to stay. KIDDING!! (It's actually only six feet.)
FRIDAY, MAY 13
Just in case you were hoping all this Charlie Sheen nonsense might mean the end of Two and a Half Men... well, not so fast. CBS is bringing on Ashton Kutcher to star in a "newly created role" on the inexplicably popular sitcom, and Kutcher's mother, actress Demi Moore, could not be more proud ("I've always told Ash-Ash he could do whatever he set his mind to!" she gushed to reporters). However, one person who isn't pleased is—gasp!—Charlie Sheen. "Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer... Oh wait, so am I!!" Sheen shouted at TMZ. After insisting that the show would fail without him, Sheen got in one more dig at Two and a Half Men show runner Chuck Lorre. "Enjoy Planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there." But according to PopEater, Sheen's sass was all a wounded act. "He really thought he would be invited back," a friend of Sheen's gabbed. "He is destroyed that Ashton is replacing him. Destroyed. We are all worried that he hasn't hit bottom yet and that this could make him spiral out of control again." Well, that's too bad. And we can always hope!
SATURDAY, MAY 14
Today's Terrifying News from the Middle East™: Erik Prince, the founder of Blackwater, has been building a secret army for the United Arab Emirates! Prince was "hired by the crown prince of Abu Dhabi to put together an 800-member battalion of foreign troops for the UAE," according to the New York Times, which notes that the mercenaries are "intended to conduct special operations missions inside and outside the country, defend oil pipelines and skyscrapers from terrorist attacks, and put down internal revolts." Housed on a heretofore secret base deep in the desert, the multinational force—the army is trained by Americans, Germans, and Brits, but made up of Colombian and South African mercenaries—sets a potentially dangerous precedent, introducing "a volatile element in an already combustible region where the United States is widely viewed with suspicion." So... y'know... good luck sleeping tonight, world! Nothing to worry about here!
SUNDAY, MAY 15
"I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election," said delusional real estate mogul/reality TV star Donald Trump. "I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heart- edly. Ultimately, however, business is my greatest passion and I am not ready to leave the private sector." While Trump noted his decision to stop pretending to run for president did not come "easily or without regret," he didn't have much choice, really—the weasel-headed weasel's slim chances of snagging the nomination plummeted after President Barack Obama provided (A) his birth certificate and (B) Osama bin Laden, bringing a swift end to the jackassy political climate in which Trump had previously flourished. Head on back to Celebrity Apprentice now, Donald. If you're still trying to find celebs for next season, we suspect Charlie Sheen might be available.