MONDAY, MAY 15 Can someone please page Rodney King? Somebody needs to ask the residents of Hollyweird why they can't all just get along. After last week's brouhaha between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton (see last week's One Day), Paris pal Brandon Davis has turned up the heat! Who's Brandon Davis? He's dated The O.C.'s Mischa Barton, and belongs to one of Beverly Hills' richest clans (in actuality, the family the TV show Dynasty was based on). Oh, and he's also a fat, foul-mouthed prick. While club-hopping with Paris, the paparazzi asked the duo what they thought of Lindsay. Brandon responded by calling the redheaded Lohan a "fire crotch"—no less than 10 times. He also spoke ill of the inside of her vagina, her film career, and her lack of wealth; rolling his eyes at the fact she's only "worth $7 million, which means she's really poor." Paris giggled uncontrollably, but was otherwise mum—a fact pounced upon by Hilton's horrified publicist. "The person making the statements was not Paris Hilton," said panicked Paris publicist Elliot Mintz. "Brandon was speaking for himself, not her." How did Lindsay respond to this obscenity-laced slight? By immediately hanging out with former Brandon flame Mischa Barton, and cramming her tongue down former Hilton boytoy Stavros Niarchos' throat. (Honey, if you were digging around down there for some dignity, you might want to look elsewhere.)
TUESDAY, MAY 16 It's not easy being a baby—especially if you popped from the loins of inexperienced mother Britney Spears. Brit was busted TWICE this week on separate baby care-related charges, starting with putting infant Sean Preston in a car seat facing forward rather than backward—which is the federally recommended way of doing things. (Hey, the way we look at it? Sean Preston was in a CAR SEAT, which is a huge improvement over riding in Brit's lap, or the trunk.) "There is no law in California requiring rear-facing [car] seats," said Britney mouthpiece/dumbshit Martin Singer. While it may not be "California law," any parent with the ability to read knows the correct way to put in a car seat—which just may be Britney's problem. MEANWHILE... More baby blues! Britney almost dropped Sean Preston on his little unlucky head while teetering down the street with a drink in her hand. In her defense, babies are a squirmy group, and have little regard for how stupid you look if you drop them. Afterward, she came this close to a nervous breakdown, and photographers caught some juicy pix of the shaken mother, which are some of the most unattractive photos of Britney WE'VE EVER SEEN (check them out for yourself on the Mercury's Blog Town, PDX—portlandmercury.com/blogtown). Britney should take a page from Angelina Jolie's book, and raise her baby in Zimbabwe... or wherever they are this week. It's a country that can't afford cameras!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 17 Even more celebrity catfights! Former Beatle Paul McCartney is giving the heave-ho to his one-legged wife Heather Mills. "Our parting is amicable and both of us still care about each other very much," said Paul—which is exactly what he said after dumping John Lennon, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM! MEANWHILE... Former pop princess Mandy Moore is striking back against comments made by former boyfriend Wilmer "I'm that spazz from That '70s Show" Valderrama. Speaking to Howard Stern, Wilmer bragged about stealing Mandy's virginity, who furiously denied the charges, adding his statements were "utterly tacky, not even true, and it hurt my feelings." Well, at least you weren't called a "Fire Crotch." MEANWHILE... Down at the old folks home, Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera exchanged words as well! In the June issue of GQ, Christina remembered Mariah being drunk at a party, and saying "really derogatory things," adding, "But it was at that time she had that breakdown, so she might have been very medicated." OOOOOHHHH! Mariah shot back with, "It is sad yet predictable that she would use my name at this time to reinvent past incidents for her promotional gain. It is in my heart to forgive and I will keep her in my prayers." Yeah... her prayers that Christina's boobs will drop.
THURSDAY, MAY 18 Today President Bush sent a message to illegal immigrants currently living in the States: If you're already here you can stay—but since we're throwing up a 370-mile fence on the border, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE. (It's like Escape from New York, Latino-style.) The immigration bill—which would give millions of non-citizens a shot at citizenship, as well as build an actual fence to keep others from coming in—got a thumbs up from the Senate, but Congress may be a different story. Even stalwart Bush supporters are attacking him for what they consider to be a soft response to illegal immigrants. "Regardless of what the president says, what he is proposing is amnesty," said Rep. James Sensenbremmer (R-Wis). However, Republicans are LOVING the idea of an actual fence to better protect the Mexican border. "Good fences make good neighbors," said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) who hates his Mexican neighbors. (Which is to say, he hates them until he needs someone to build a fence.)
FRIDAY, MAY 19 The FBI, exhibiting the kind of rabbit-quick reflexes that has earned it worldwide praise and admiration, responded today to a murder investigation tip they received 30 years ago. In 1976, Donovan Wells first reported to authorities that he knew where Jimmy Hoffa's body was buried. Of course, back in the '70s, a lot of people claimed to know where Hoffa was hidden. In Dolly Parton's cleavage. On Fantasy Island. Up your butt. But Wells wasn't a second-grade boy playing a phone prank. He had teamster ties, was living on a farm owned by an associate of Hoffa's, and was being questioned regarding suspicious activity on the farm around the time of Hoffa's disappearance on July 30, 1975. But, despite the fact that Wells told the feds that Hoffa was buried on said farm, they were apparently too busy searching Dolly's bosom to take time to follow up. Fast forward 30 years, and Wells, now an ailing prison inmate, is still yammering about where Hoffa is buried. Only this time someone gives him a polygraph test and he passes. Which is just a big hassle for the FBI, because now they have to search the farm. A search that has yielded... nothing yet! However, Dolly Parton's bosom, through a spokesperson, has expressed their hopes they will no longer be considered a suspect.
SATURDAY, MAY 20 Fans of The O.C. are still steaming over star Mischa Barton's slip that her character Marissa Cooper died in the season finale. As all O.C. fans know (there are what—10 of you now?) the show took the trouble to film various endings in which different characters bit the bullet in hopes of, you know, surprising eight or nine of you—and then Mischa spills her guts in an interview with Access Hollywood which aired immediately before the finale. But just in case one of you was going to miss it, Access Hollywood sent an email to the media with the subject line: "On the next Access Hollywood: Mischa Barton Confirms Her Character On The O.C. Dies and Reveals What the Show Has in Store for Fans." It was pretty much all over the web about a minute later. Mischa probably thought it didn't matter because she was going to be dead soon. See, she has this problem with "reality."
SUNDAY, MAY 21 Missing Teamster Jimmy Hoffa was still missing today, as the FBI continued to search the farm, employing crime scene technicians, building demolition experts, cadaver dogs, archaeologists, anthropologists, and a very busy backhoe. If the feds put this kind of energy into keeping people alive, Sean Preston Federline-Spears might live past the age of four.