MONDAY, MAY 22 Who's jumping on the couch now? According to those wagging tongues of Hollyweird, the honeymoon is OVER for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. How do we know? Why, just this week, the two "lovebirds" were rumored to have engaged in a screaming argument that ended with Katie (and baby Suri) hopping a plane to Ohio to stay with her family—who Tom HATES. Whatever the fight was about, it culminated with Katie allegedly yelling, "I'm doing this and you can't stop me!" What could they have been fighting about... let's see... let's see... could it have been... SCIENTOLOGY? According to Star magazine, Tom has decided to postpone the wedding because Katie was not "Scientology ready." Apparently, the story goes back to ancient times when former wife Nicole Kidman wanted nothing to do with the pseudo-religion—and so Tom was allegedly determined that his next wife would be far more malleable. Hence, postponing the wedding. "There will be no (Nicole Kidman-like) wiggle room," declared a snoopy source. "In the coming months, Katie will undergo intensive training on how to spot and avoid anyone critical of Scientology." Crap! Even if we're wearing a funny nose and glasses? "At the same time," the source continues, "her exposure to the outside world will be censored while she's flooded with Scientology doctrine." No wonder she flew off to Ohio—we'd gladly spend a year in Toledo than one hour with a gabby Scientologist!
TUESDAY, MAY 23 Hollyweird's hottest catfight continues! As reported last week in One Day, Paris Hilton's pal and oil heir Brandon Davis incited the fury of the world when he verbally accosted Lindsay Lohan, calling her, among other obscenities, "fire crotch." Lindsay responded to the slight by sticking her tongue down the throat of former Hilton boyfriend Stavros Niarchos (eww) and hanging out with Davis' former girlfriend Mischa Barton—which isn't very revenge-y, if you ask us. However, a female fan of Lindsay's rode to her rescue this week, according to TMZ.com, who caught the unknown woman on video ripping Brandon Davis a brand new b-hole. In the video, the lass was seen chasing after a sullen Brandon, screaming, "Look how sweaty you are! No wonder Mischa Barton dumped your ass. Go home and take a shower!" Too scared to respond, Brandon hopped in his ride as the woman continued her verbal barrage: "You think Lindsay Lohan is poor," she asked in reference to Brandon saying Lindsay is "only" worth $7 million. "Lindsay Lohan earns her money. You get it from daddy! You little bitch!" Sigh. OUR HEROINE! Lindsay, if you're looking for someone to co-star in Mean Girls II—we think we've found your girl. MEANWHILE... How does Paris make her money? Sure, she gets it from daddy as well—but she also earned $200,000 this week from simply attending a Cannes charity event and waving. According to FoxNews.com, this is a regular gig for the socialite who is paid enormous amounts of money ($1 million at a similar party in Vienna) to simply show up at events and look skinny. "All I had to do was wave, like this," said Paris, imitating Queen Elizabeth II's twisty-wristed how-do-you-do. Now, before you start hating Paris with every fiber of your being, remember: Even pretending to be nice is an extremely difficult job for her, so she earned every penny!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 24 America, you have a new American Idol, and his name is... Zzzzzzzzzzz...huh? Wha?? Oh. Sorry, we drifted off for a moment. His name is Taylor Hicks! Well, what are you waiting for? Start worshipping him! And while Mr. Hicks is certainly the most BORING "idol" yet—at least the producers of the two-hour American Idol finale realized this fact, and jam-packed the special with the most ridiculously hilarious stunts yet. Not only did former Idol contestant Kevin "Chicken Little" Corvais rub his crotch while singing "What's New, Pussycat?", runner-up Katharine McPhee sang an ear-splitting duet with Meatloaf (?!?) that made us snap our Bat Out of Hell album in half. And while it could be said that the appearance of Prince was a stunning surprise, even he was topped by a shot of David Hasselhoff blubbering like a baby after Taylor was declared the winner, and Clay Aiken's new haircut—which looked like he was auditioning for a role on Desperate Housewives. Oh, American Idol—can't we just worship you, and burn Taylor Hicks at the stake?
THURSDAY, MAY 25 Did you hear? Angelina Jolie is scheduled to give birth to her bastard baby in Namibia any day now! Oh, goodness! And we're not even packed! Let's see... we'll need suntan lotion, our new Chip & Pepper jeans, the latest Cosmo... and what do you mean we'll need a permission slip? Unbelievably, it's true—any journalist wishing to visit Namibia and cover the star's birth must provide a letter of consent from Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt! Hmmm... the closest thing we have is an autographed candy bar wrapper signed by one of the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Something tells us that's not going to work, because some journalists have already been arrested for staking out the hospital, and even for taking pix of Jolie dining in an outdoor restaurant! It's true, Namibia LOVES their newest (and only?) celebs. How do we know? According to a local Namibian radio poll, 48 percent of resident listeners considered Pitt and Jolie to be "a major PR boost for the country," and only 16 percent called it "a chance for sycophantic losers to seek fulfillment." God. People in Namibia can be soooo cynical.
FRIDAY, MAY 26 Okay. This is what we want you to do. Go to the window. Pull back the curtain. Peek out. Do you see sand? A cactus? Rattlesnakes? No? Keep checking. The Associated Press reported today that deserts are creeping closer to cities. They're fucking sneaky, deserts. You won't see them until they're on top of you. They don't run. They don't drive into town in a fleet of El Dorados. They creep one grain of sand at a time. You'll find a grain of sand in one of your crevices and by then it will be too late. What are the deserts after? Scientists say they're edging toward towns because of changing jet streams due to that whole global warming thing. But you know that's a cover-up. Deserts don't organize like that unless they're deeply motivated. It's a huge hassle getting them all together for meetings.
SATURDAY, MAY 27 Breaking news: Brad and Angie have delivered unto the world the universe's tiniest sex symbol, and the most famous Namibian ever. They named their daughter Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. At first we were thrilled that Angie named her baby after Shiloh, the 1996 movie about an abused beagle who runs away from his owner. But later reports clarified that they named her Shiloh because it means "peaceful one." Nouvel because it's French for "new," and Jolie-Pitt because that's both of their names connected by a hyphen. Angie, whose most recent mission to bring attention to Third World medical facilities seems to be going as planned, gave birth at the Cottage Hospital in Swakopmund. If she doesn't die from an infection in the next week, the Cottage should see their patient base go up considerably. Time for that new celebrity maternity wing!
SUNDAY, MAY 28 How can such joy be followed with such sorrow? Hilary Swank is dumping the Chad-ster for good. The two have been separated since last year, but were said to be working on reconciliation. But it was just more false hope. Now? Well, Chad will have to get a job for one. A Life Goes On reunion movie? Well, that would be a silver lining, at least. Hilary, you better wait a respectable chunk of time before you start dating some yahoo. Because you know that Chad will never get laid again.