CHRISTINA HENDRICKS They're real!

MONDAY, MAY 16
Never thought we'd say this... but we actually feel sorry for Kirsten Dunst. The Bring it On star—who also ruined Spider-Man and so many other potentially great movies—was somehow allowed to be in the new Lars von Trier film Melancholia, one of the hits of the Cannes Film Festival. But that's not the controversial part! During a panel for the film, Kirsten sat next to von Trier as he openly sympathized with Nazis. "What can I say? I understand Hitler," Trier blurted out. "Not what you would call a good guy, but I understand much about him, and I sympathize with him a little bit." Unsurprisingly, Trier's audience—a few of whom had to be Jewish, right?—didn't sympathize with Trier's sympathies, and let the panel know in no uncertain terms. "Oh my God, this is terrible," Dunst was heard saying over a loud chorus of boos. Hey, but the good news? It was the first time Kirsten Dunst was onstage and wasn't the person getting booed. The bad news? She's somewhat less despised than a Nazi sympathizer.

TUESDAY, MAY 17
As reported last week, former Governor (and alleged woman groper) Arnold Schwarzenegger and his long-suffering wifey Maria Shriver announced their separation—but only today was it revealed by the LA Times WHY they were on the express train to Splitsville. As it turns out, Arnie fathered a child with one of his housekeepers! (EWWW! Ha! Ha! Ha! EWWW!) According to the article, the staff member worked in the Schwarzie household for 20 years, and bore the Terminator's lovechild 13 years ago. "After leaving the governor's office, I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago," Arnie said in a statement to the Times. "I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility." The Sperminator then went on to say, "I ask that the media respect my wife and children though this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not." IN A RELATED STORY... Ha! Ha! Ha! EWWWWWW!!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18
A new day, a new lie from Arnold Schwarzenegger! In Arnie's weepy statement from yesterday, he claimed HE was the one who told spurned wifey Maria Shriver about fathering a baby with the chambermaid (today identified as Mildred Patricia Baena)—but according to Radar Online, he only confessed AFTER Maria confronted him with the truth. Maria had her suspicions, and when she asked the housekeeper if Arnold fathered her son, Mildred reportedly broke down in tears, and spilled the beans. Then, and only after Maria confronted Arnold with the undeniable truth, did he confess his sins. Hey... you know what this story is missing? AN EVIL TWIN. For example, it should have been Arnold's evil twin—who looks exactly like the actor except with a rapey moustache—who actually fathered the baby. And groped all those women before the gubernatorial election. And took steroids. And founded Planet Hollywood. (Hey... when are we gonna get an apology for that?)

THURSDAY, MAY 19
More controversy from Schwarzenkindergate! According to TMZ, birth records prove that not only did Arnold Schwarzenegger father a child in 1997 with his Guatemalan housekeeper Mildred Patricia Baena—both she and wifey Maria Shriver were pregnant at exactly the same time. In fact, both children were born less than a week apart. You know who else was born that same week, only in 1951? Sting! From The Police! (Doesn't adding italics to anything automatically make it sound extremely suspicious?) MEANWHILE... Bets are already being taken about how much moolah Maria Shriver will make when and if (but surely when) the divorce case of the century takes place. "It seems to me that [Arnold] has gratuitously embarrassed her," says divorce attorney to the stars John Mayoue. "This should greatly enhance settlement negotiations." Attorney Robert Nachshin, who represented the ex-wives of Will Smith, Rod Stewart, and John Ritter agrees, saying that Shriver should expect to receive "at least $100,000 a month" in spousal support, and "probably another $40,000 a month" in child support. Look—all we want is the $9 we spent at the movie theater enduring Jingle All the Way... wait, that's $15 including soda and popcorn. MEANWHILE... In an unsurprising revelation, Arnold has hereby delayed his re-entry into Tinselturd's turd machine. Schwartzy told his talent agency today to postpone all his movie projects that are currently under way until further notice—this includes, but is not limited to, the movie Cry Macho (which was scheduled to start filming this summer), negotiations for his return to the Terminator franchise, as well as the proposed children's cartoon The Governator. Yeah, but what about the remake of Predator where Arnold hunts down random housekeepers to impregnate? We've already got the catchphrase: "I'll be back... so please don't throw my things on the front lawn."

FRIDAY, MAY 20
BREAKING NEWS! Christina Hendricks' breasts are "so obviously real that anyone who's ever seen or touched a breast would know," says the actress, who told the Daily Mail, it's "bizarre" that "people are constantly asking if [her] breasts are real or fake." For expert analysis, we turn to Hubby Kip, who's spent several seasons of Mad Men studying this issue. "The defendant has an interesting case," he noted, "however, I have not touched either of Christina Hendricks' breasts, which is a requisite in determining their realityness. Thusly, I am pleased to offer my serv—" Okay, that's enough. Also, "realityness"? Not a word, dear. MEANWHILE... In other Mad Men news, looks like one of Tinseltown's most famed ice queens, January Jones—AKA Betty Draper—picked the wrong Hollyweird celeb to natter on about! After comedian Zach Galifianakis was informed by the website Shortlist that Jones had gushed he was the most "naturally funny" man she'd met, Galifianakis called bullshit. "That's really funny, because, if I remember correctly, she and I were very rude to each other," he said. "I was at a party—I'd never met her—and she was like, 'Come, sit down.' So I sit at her table and talked for 10 minutes, and she goes, 'I think it's time for you to leave now.' So I say, 'January, you are an actress in a show and everybody's going to forget about you in a few years, so fucking be nice.' And I got up and left. And she thinks that's funny?" Hey, January Jones? You just got Galifianakised!

SATURDAY, MAY 21
"WORLD FAILS TO END" read the headline of the Atlantic's Wire blog, which joined a host of other news organizations in reporting that, contrary to the inane mumblings of ancient Bible-thumper Harold Camping, the Rapture was not happening today. Camping insisted that earthquakes would wrack the globe shortly before the really good Jesus freaks would get sucked into Heaven, leaving the rest of us to enjoy the world in their absence before the apocalypse on October 21. Shockingly, none of this happened. "It has been a really rough weekend," the 89-year-old Camping told reporters at his home in Alameda, California. Noting he was "flabbergasted," Camping added, "I'm looking for answers... but now I have nothing else to say. I'll be back to work Monday and will say more then." Hmm. Let's guess: On Monday he'll have another batshit prophecy? Plan your lives accordingly, dears.

SUNDAY, MAY 22
"Emergency vents that American officials have said would prevent devastating hydrogen explosions at nuclear plants in the United States were put to the test in Japan—and failed to work," reports the New York Times, meaning nuclear plants in the US could suffer the same catastrophic fates as those in Japan, whi—wait, wait, this just in! Excellent news! "Gwyneth Paltrow's talks for a record deal with Atlantic Records have crumbled," the New York Post reports, noting that a possible cause for the failure was the obnoxious actress/singer/wannabe lifestyle guru's demand for an unheard-of $1 million signing bonus. Gwynnie, we've heard you sing on Glee—and we would've thrown our TV right out the window if it weren't for Hubby Kip's panicked pleas. ("For the love of god, Annie, don't hurt the Christina Hendricks machine!") Tell you what, Gwynners: We'll help you get a record deal—if you pay us $1 million. And throw in a pair of earplugs.