MONDAY, MAY 23
We may not have seen much lately from Hollyweird malcontent Lindsay Lohan... but when we do? We see a LOT. LiLo was on the rooftop of the posh Raleigh Hotel in Miami, Florida, yesterday having photos taken for a spread in Plum Miami magazine when... WOOSH! That naughty, pervy Miami wind took hold of the sheer, low-cut, silky pink dress Linds was wearing, thereby exposing her breast and buttocks to the general public. When reached for comment, the general public responded, "Meh. Been there, seen that. (However, we are glad she's no longer doing the 'naked mole rat' look. Blechh!)" MEANWHILE... Since Lindy-Lou will be confined to her mansion and under house arrest starting Thursday thanks to that parole violation for maybe or maybe not stealing a necklace from a Venice jeweler, she is currently totes on the party-hardy train! Lindsay was spotted whooping it up all weekend long at Miami's LIV and Arkadia nightclubs, partying with friends until 5 am. And get this: Everyone claims she was completely SOBER. (We're guessing she dosed everyone with PCP, so she'd seem sober in comparison. It's all a matter of perspective, luv!)
TUESDAY, MAY 24
More details are emerging from the Arnold Schwarzenegger "Sperminator" scandal! TMZ is reporting that it was wifey Maria Shriver's camp who leaked the info about Arnie's lovechild with housekeeper Mildred Baena. She was apparently so infuriated by the discovery, Maria wanted to call an immediate and gabby press conference—but cooler heads advised her to let the world find out the truth the old-fashioned way: by leaking the sordid details to TMZ and the LA Times. (By the way, dears—we also accept filthy tips regarding celebrity scandals. So stop treating us like chopped liver.) MEANWHILE... Radar Online says that when Arnie's love baby was a wee toddler, mama Mildred Baena forced the Sperminator to agree to a DNA test... just in case the future governor tried any future shenanigans. Obviously the plan worked, as Arnold spent years paying off his amorous housekeeper in secret—and according to the New York Post, he's going to KEEP paying, and more than he ever imagined. Legal insiders say that in he and Maria's upcoming and spendy divorce settlement, Schwarzy may be ponying up far more than the $100 million Tiger Woods had to fork over to spurned spouse Elin Nordegren, potentially making it the biggest divorce payout in the history of the world! (That's why we're never getting divorced from Hubby Kip. What are we going to do with a well-used Xbox 360 and a half-eaten case of Doritos?) MEANWHILE... After 25 years of boring daytime television, Oprah Winfrey finally taped her goodbye show today with a gratuitously overlong and over-hyped episode in which she lectured everyone on how awesome she is, how great her show was, and... did she happen to mention how awesome she is? Well Oprah, for all the "good" you've done, let's remember you also introduced the world to Dr. Phil—and we will neither forgive nor forget. Let the war crimes trial begin.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 25
Keep a barf bag handy, dears, because we have some troubling news: Kim Kardashian—who has never done a single thing in her life worthy of the unbelievable fame she has achieved—is engaged to some basketball-playing meathead named Kris Humphries. Apparently he proposed by waiting in her bedroom on bended knee (Gross!), with four words written in rose petals: "Will you marry me?" (Gross!) He then presented her with a "custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler" of "the highest clarity and color." WHAT? Fuck you, Kim Kardashian! Oh, but wait... there's more. From People magazine: "Kris really didn't want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he'd be fine if there were mini-horses there," Kardashian laughingly stated. "Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!" Again, FUCK YOU, KIM KARDASHIAN! Fuck you, fuck your ring, fuck Kris Humphries, fuck those rose petals, fuck your empty, vapid, rich lifestyle, and FUCK THOSE GLITTERY MINI-HORSES! (Sorry... it's wrong to blame the glittery mini-horses. They're the true victims here.) MEANWHILE... Lindsay Lohan's boob fell out again. No one was injured.
THURSDAY, MAY 26
Is the ever-"winning" Charlie Sheen suffering from money problems? Chuckles has put his prized Beverly Hills mansion (also misnamed "Sober Valley Ranch") up for sale pricing it at a cool $7.2 million. Interested? Here are some of its more notable features: This 7,924-square-foot celebrity home comes equipped with five bedrooms and seven baths (live-in porn stars need to be regularly cleaned, as it turns out), a spectacular private screening room (adult films look so "pedestrian" on a 13-inch computer screen, don'tchathink?), and a spacious outdoor pool (recently filled with Clorox to kill any leftover bacteria). Wait... where are you going? What do you mean, "You'll think about it?"
FRIDAY, MAY 27
NERD SCANDAL! As reported last week in One Day at a Time, Mad Men star January Jones is a horrible person. And if rumors are to be believed, now she might be even more horrible! Rumors like... say... that while shooting X-Men: First Class, Jones got knocked up by director Matthew Vaughn! Only problem? Vaughn's already married. To, ah... Claudia Schiffer. With whom he already has, um... three kids? While Jones won't say who snuck the bun into her oven, this Hollyweird gossip is further stoked by the fact Vaughn didn't go to the premiere of First Class so as not to be seen with Jones—which seems just slightly suspicious. As we did last week when confronted with news about Christina Hendricks' breasts, we turn to the Romano household's Mad Men expert, Hubby Kip, for his expert opinion. "God, Annie, you and your gossip pals!" he sighed after reluctantly hitting "pause" on Call of Duty: Black Ops. "There is such an easy way to figure out the truth! Just go to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and ask Professor X to read Betty Draper and what's-his-name's minds! He can totally do that, obviously. Or maybe he won't even need to, 'cause I bet he heard them boning."
SATURDAY, MAY 28
Brace yourselves, dears: The equine, perpetually heartbroken Jennifer Aniston has latched her banshee claws into another unsuspecting young man! Screenwriter/actor Justin Theroux (who wrote Tropic Thunder and Iron Man 2, acted in Your Highness and Parks and Recreation, and will soon be living out his own real-life version of Fatal Attraction) is the latest unsuspecting lad to get sucked into Mr. Ed: The Person's desperation spiral. "Jen is totally into him," a friend gabbed to Us. "She wants to be with him all the time. She's diving in headfirst." Justin: Follow the lead of Vince Vaughn, John Mayer, Paul Rudd, Tate Donovan, and that dumb-looking guy from Counting Crows and get out. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. MEANWHILE... So—totes apropos of nothing—how're Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie doing? "Angie and I do everything we can to carve out some semblance of normalcy for [our kids], to recreate the kinds of moments that were special for us," a glowing Pitt told USA Today. "It's not unusual for the kids to be covered in paint. We have mud fights. It's chaos from morning until the lights go out, and sometimes after that." Aww. And Brangelina's love life? "'There are no secrets at our house,' Pitt says with a smile. 'We tell the kids, "Mom and dad are going off to kiss." They go, "Eww, gross!" But we demand it.'" THIS JUST IN... Sorry Jen! Here, have this bag of oats. Maybe that'll help cheer you up.
SUNDAY, MAY 29
Proving, once again, that we live in a terrifying world where nothing will ever go right, Congress has renewed several provisions of the Patriot Act, George W. Bush's favorite piece of Orwellian legislation that gives law enforcement unprecedented access into the personal lives of anyone they consider suspicious. So it goes, we suppose, but if the US government is going to keep having all these creepy spy powers over us, the least they can do is put this matter about the X-Men baby to rest. Get on it, Langley!