MONDAY, JUNE 20
You know those showers that nuclear plant officials give you after you've been exposed to radiation? Get ready to hop in (and bring plenty of soap) because you're about to receive a facial of EWWWWWWWW! Fifty-one-year-old actor Doug Hutchison (who apparently had a role in The Green Mile, but is best remembered by full-grown nerdling Hubby Kip as some mutant named Eugene Victor Tooms from The X-Files) is getting married to an aspiring pop star Courtney Alexis Stodden... who just happens to be 16 years old. EWWW!! The couple released the following statement regarding their May (1995)-December (1960) romance. "We're aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial," the gross 'n' gropey couple said. "But we're very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless." (Actually, we've heard that message a number of times. We watch a lot of To Catch a Predator.) Stodden, who is something of a moderate internet sensation—not because of anything good... check out her YouTube clips for proof—needed to get permission from her parents to marry the half-century old Hutchison, which mom and dad happily supplied. Said Courtney's father (who is four years younger than his son-in-law), "Every father can only pray to have such a man behind his daughter." Ohhhhkay. So the nuclear power plant showers aren't doing the trick. Break out the fire hoses!
TUESDAY, JUNE 21
BLIND ITEM (that has since been reduced to "Item with Severe Cataracts")! Back in May, TMZ reported that "an A-list celebrity of substantial fame internationally" (and whose net worth hovers around $100 million), knowingly exposed his unknowing sex partner to the herpes virus. The mystery plaintiff filed a lawsuit against the unknown celeb, because while the two allegedly engaged in "mutual oral copulation, mutual self-gratification, rubbing and massaging each other, play wrestling, licking, and (unprotected) intercourse," the celeb forgot to mention that he/she (probably he) was crawling with the herp. WELL! Today TMZ reports that the star has settled the case out of court for a whopping $5 million—if the plaintiff swears to keep his/her (probably his) mouth shut regarding the infected celeb's identity. OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT! So now, just to be safe, it looks like we're going to have to use old-timey protection if and when George Clooney decides to seduce us. (Confidential to Hubby Kip: Just kidding, sweetie! Mwah!) (Confidential to everyone else: No, we're not.) SPEAKING OF WHICH...
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22
Let the bells ring and the confetti fall because actor/dreamboat/the future Mr. Ann Romano also known as George Clooney has finally split up with admittedly gorgeous Italian tramp Elisabetta Canalis! YESSSSSSS!!!! The pair sent out a statement today (which is basically just a fill-in-the-blank form that all press agents keep in their bottom filing cabinet) that said, "We are not together anymore. It's very difficult and very personal, and we hope everyone can respect our privacy." (If by "respecting privacy," George means that we mysteriously show up on his round rotating waterbed wearing our sheerest pink negligee—then OF COURSE we'll respect his privacy.) The only thing that could make this juicy story even drippier is that George was obviously the "dump-er" and Elisabetta the "dump-ee." A snoopy spy spilled the beans to Us Weekly, saying, "She drove him nuts," [OF COURSE SHE DID, THAT BITCH] adding that their relationship consisted of "nonstop bickering over little things... [LIKE MARRIAGE AND BABIES, WHICH WE WOULD TOTALLY NEVER WANT, BTW... IN FACT, JUST LAST YEAR WE SOLD OUR UTERUS TO SCIENCE]... "Plus, he would only hang out with his friends, and more or less left her to herself and her friends." [JUST RUN OFF AND HAVE FUN WITH BRAD, GEORGIE. WE'LL BE JUST FINE WITH OUR TWO BEST FRIENDS: YOUR CREDIT CARD AND ANN TAYLOR LOFT.]
THURSDAY, JUNE 23
It's a slow gossip day in Hollyweird, so we're gonna take a mini-vacation and... BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Oh, no. Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitoring bracelet? AGAIN?? (Sigh.) Okay, then. Back to work. LiLo was stone cold busted after testing positive for alcohol in her system (are you sure it wasn't leftover booze from 2006-2010?), and was whisked back in front of a judge today to be tried for parole violation. But once again proving that Linds is the luckiest LiLo alive, she beat the rap on yet another technicality. It turns out that in her previous trial, Judge Eldon Fox ordered regular testing for controlled substances—but neglected to add on alcohol! Whoopsy! And to make matters even whoopsier, the probation department is no longer allowed to probe Lindsay for drugs or booze, because there isn't a court order permitting it. That being said, we're pretty sure that Lindsay is going to do the right thing here; staying inside her house, and serving the rest of her sentence sober. Hold on... THIS JUST IN... Apparently Lindsay has moved out of her $2.25 million house, and into a new residence called the "Venice Beach Liquor Mart."
FRIDAY, JUNE 24
So remember when all anyone could talk about was Charlie Sheen being annoying? Well, he's back at it—and as a gossip columnist, we're legally obligated to report on it. Sorry, dears. First, the bad news for us: "Charlie has inked a deal with Lionsgate Television to create and star in a new sitcom," reveals Radar Online, quoting an "insider." "Charlie's character will be very similar to the one he played on Two and a Half Men, however the show will be a lot racier." Ugh. Okay, now for the bad news for Charlie: His final "goddess" has left him! "Natalie Kenly moved out last week—but hell hath no fury like a warlock scorned," gushes TMZ, which added, "Charlie brushed off the breakup, claiming it's 'not a common thing for the Masheen!'" No, we don't know why he's calling himself "the Masheen" either, and... argh. Let's just move on. (We are so not writing about him for at least another two weeks. Promise.)
SATURDAY, JUNE 25
"Waves of gay couples rushed on Saturday to make wedding plans that had been dreams for decades, as euphoria over New York's legalization of same-sex marriage promised to turn a traditional pride parade into an enormous roving engagement party," reported Reuters. Following Governor Andrew Cuomo's signing of the law last night, New York joined Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Vermont, Iowa, and Washington, DC, in taking the common-sense decision to no longer forbid gay people from having a fundamental human right. Congrats, New York gays! And to the waffling President Obama, not to mention all the other states (Oregon included) that have yet to get their shit together: This "gay marriage" thing is happening. How about we grow up and make it happen sooner rather than later? MEANWHILE... Not to be a buzzkill, but professional drip/crone Kim Kardashian and her douchebag basketball player fiancé Kris Humphries have set a date for their televised wedding, according to another professional drip/crone, Kathie Lee Gifford, who spilled the (boring) beans to PopEater. And yet... gay marriage still isn't legal everywhere! C'mon, people! Who wants to live in a world where a Kardashian has rights that other people don't? A Kardashian, President Obama. A Kardashian.
SUNDAY, JUNE 26
Delighting nerds, dweebs, geeks, nerds, and dorks the world over, sexy Doctor Who star Karen Gillan "was found naked in a New York hotel corridor after a night of riotous partying," gabs the Daily Mail. "Miss Gillian, 23, who plays the Time Lord's assistant Amy Pond, was seen 'whimpering' in the nude by guests at 7 am before security arrived, wrapped her in a sheet, and escorted her to her room." First, we're extremely sorry for making you read the phrase "the Time Lord's assistant," dears. Those four words should never be seen next to each other by anyone who isn't a virgin inside a videogame store. Second, Karen, move to America! We are super bored with our current batch of ill-behaving celebutantes (I mean, really—a Kardashian?) and we'd love to have you. Even if—sigh—we have to figure out whatever the eff a clock king is. MEANWHILE... Let's end the week on a classy note and check in with 447-year-old Brady Bunch star Florence Henderson! The New York Daily news has a snippet from Henderson's autobiography, in which the former Mrs. Brady reveals that at the Beverly Hills Hotel in the '60s, she "had a one-night stand with former New York Mayor John Lindsay that left her with a bad case of crabs." "Guess I learned the hard way that crabs do not discriminate but cross over all socioeconomic strata," Henderson writes of the encounter. As always, Mrs. Brady, we thank you for your words of wisdom. (Where was our mom with that advice?)