TOM CRUISE Rum Tum Tugger.

MONDAY, JUNE 27
Rather than starting another week with more of the same (i.e., Charlie Sheenanigans), let's hop over to the world of politics. Batshit nutty Republican Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced her intention to run for the Presidency today in Waterloo, Iowa, remarking that she intended to embody the spirit of the town's most famous resident, John Wayne. Slight problem there, because as it turns out, it wasn't actor/patriotic American John Wayne who was born in Waterloo—it was creepy clown/serial killer John Wayne Gacy. (One could also make the case it's never a good idea to launch one's campaign in a town named "Waterloo"—but one monumental gaffe at a time, right?) Scrambling to dream up some sort of explanation, what follows is the best Bachmann's campaign could come up with: "John Wayne is from Iowa, his parents lived in Waterloo." Okay, we get it now: so Michelle's campaign will embody the spirit of John Wayne's parents who, other than copulating and spawning a famous actor, didn't accomplish a lot. Not the most auspicious beginning to a campaign, but at least Michelle got a good slogan out of it: Bachmann in 2012—At least she didn't murder 33 people!

TUESDAY, JUNE 28
Where's LaBeouf? We'll tell you where—in a gushy tell-all spread in Details magazine, where the Hollyweird bad boy dishes up goopy scoop on his career in Tinsel Turd's fast lane. For example? Shia comes out and admits that he hooked up on set with Transformers co-star and 100 percent fabricated sex robot Megan Fox! And even better? He's not sure if she was with then-boyfriend Brian Austin Green at the time. When asked if he knew if she was romantically involved with someone else while he was boning her, he offered the following quote: "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." Let's assume then that he doesn't know. Not that it matters—sex robots are contractually obligated to have sex with whoever asks them, regardless of current romantic entanglements. Or at least this is what Hubby Kip contends. (Confidential to Hubby Kip: You will be long dead by the time sex robots become a reality.) IN RELATED LaBEOUF NEWS... Aging action hero Harrison Ford was also quoted in the same Details article, commenting on how LaBeouf previously publicly insulted their disastrous film, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. "I think he was a fucking idiot," Harrison said of LaBeouf. "As an actor, I think it's my obligation to support the film without making a complete ass out of myself." In Ford's defense, this quote was possibly taken out of context, and while LaBeouf is definitively a "fucking idiot," it's only because he chose to bang Megan Fox. On behalf of "the media," we regret the misinterpretation.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29
Here's something we once would've been super excited about (say, back in 2009), but now is just another day of work in the gossip glue factory. Lindsay Lohan was released today after 35 days of house arrest! That means the tracking device on her ankle has been removed and her previous tracking device (the paparazzi) has been reinstated. LiLo will continue to terrorize the world as soon as she completes 480 hours of community service (giving a mani-pedi to cadavers in the county morgue) and enrolls in a "shoplifters alternative class." WAIT. "Shoplifters alternative class?" Isn't the alternative to shoplifting just paying for stuff with money? If that's the case, where's our PhD from Ann Taylor Loft?

THURSDAY, JUNE 30
So anyway, if you think Shia LaBeouf slipping the noodle to Megan Fox was gross-tastic, get a load of this: Gawker reported receiving a passed-around email supposedly written by a woman who allegedly had her alleged toes allegedly sucked by (allegedly) Quentin Tarantino! The story goes like this: The toe-suckee (hereafter called TS for short) attends a Hollywood party, and starts up an innocent chat-fest with QT which culminates in a tongue wrestling makeout sesh. He invites her back to his home, and—apparently figuring a good story trumps the fact that QT "looks like Frankenstein"—she agrees, where, after a bit more tongue massaging, she is eventually invited into his bedroom. (Have we said "allegedly" lately? "ALLEGEDLY!") At this point TS is desperately trying to avoid any contact with QT's "nub-like" penis and her "Britney," when he allegedly asks, "Hey... can I suck on your toes while I jerk off?" After the initial shock wears off, TS figures this "just might be my get out of jail free card on the whole chode in vag issue," and quickly agrees. Ten minutes later the alleged deed is allegedly done, and according to TS it wasn't so bad. "I didn't have to do anything (a nice bonus, since I am undoubtedly the laziest person in bed)," she wrote, adding, "no bodily secretions were ejected anywhere near me or my feet." Plus she was given a free ride home afterwards. Okay readers, you can open your eyes now... it's over. But was it true? We're going to say "no"—if only because the thought of QT sucking on our feet makes us want to become a double amputee.

FRIDAY, JULY 1
Happy birthday, Lindsay Lohan! Having completed her house arrest sentence—in part by having barbeques and inviting friends over to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in what's known in Hollyweird as "hard time"—LiLo split to the Hamptons this weekend to party for her 25th birthday. Congrats, Linds! We hope your inevitable getting loaded and stealing something valuable will finally demonstrate to California's legal system how grown-up you are. MEANWHILE... Well, we take that right back—Lindsay, we're sorry to have doubted you! "Have you guys seen food and gas prices lately? U.S. $ will soon be worthless if the Fed keeps printing money!" Lohan recently tweeted, showing that maybe—just maybe—the starlet is beginning to show some awareness of larger socioeconomic issu—no, wait. Sorry. Our mistake! Turns out that tweet was really from the National Inflation Organization, a tea-baggy group that paid Lohan to tweet an ad to her 2,160,000 followers. Sigh. Welcome back, Lindsay. We're glad to see you haven't changed. (And yes, we will totes come over to watch Kardashians next Wednesday.)

SATURDAY, JULY 2
And happy birthday, Tom Cruise! Spending the day in Miami with his daughter Suri, Cruise lounged poolside while he and Suri got their faces painted like tigers. Move along, folks—nothing to see here but a 49-year-old Scientology sociopath with a face that makes him look like he's a refugee from Cats. MEANWHILE... A far less whimsical sight could be seen on Ventro Prime's deserted ice-moon, Crovo—a chilly 259 light-years from balmy Florida. "Once again, my holo-invitation seems to have been 'lost' in the proverbial 'trans-galactic mail,'" Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII murmured to no one in particular while sitting on a frost-tundra, absent-mindedly fiddling with one of Crovo's famed ice gems. "No biggie, Tom! Hope you're enjoying Miami, Tom! It's not like I also think it sounds like it could be fun to get my face painted like a tiger, Tom!" After several silent chrono-periods, Emperor Klaktu then calmly climbed into his spaceship, ascended to Crovian orbit, and methodically used a powerful laser to etch the entire surface of the moon with massive, mysterious words: "COME ON VANILLA SKY WAS A B-MINUS AT BEST AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT."

SUNDAY, JULY 3
And happy (almost) birthday,America! And what better way to celebrate America's superiority over the British than to revel in Harry Potter's drinking problem? Now 21, British actor Daniel Radcliffe told GQ that he had struggled with alcohol throughout the filming of the last two Harry Potter movies. "I became so reliant on [booze] to enjoy stuff," Radcliffe said. "There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person's lifestyle that really isn't suited to me." Sober for the past year, Radcliffe observed, "There's no shame in enjoying a quiet life. And that's been the realization of the past few years for me." IN RELATED NEWS... Radcliffe's sobriety has a life expectancy of roughly six more days—at which point Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be released, sending swarms of obnoxious young children and depressing old dorks to Radcliffe's door. Trust us, Dan: Not even Dumbledore could conjure an elixir as magical as gin.